I never seem to have a good idea of what to write in this blog, although later when I read what I wrote there's often a reference to something I wrote about that seemed inconsequential at the time but then becomes relevant, so I want to post an update.
I've had a couple of interviews about some good opportunities but not been hired yet. I'm toying with the idea of going back to work for myself but I am not overly enthusiastic about the idea. I've never had good luck keeping good help, and my company is built on quality and reputation. That means I either have to do everything myself or double-check an employee's work constantly, and neither option really appeals to me. I've put out enough proof that I can run my own business that anyone that questions it just amuses me, and I'd really prefer to just get hired on with some big bureaucracy and work for "The Man" from here on. I want to just go do my job, stay out of the way of whatever fate befalls the world around me, and concentrate on my family from here on in.
Mary Ann will be going back out of state to visit family at the end of the week. I'll miss her but she always has such a good time and comes back refreshed and recharged so I am happy she has the chance. She's taken over the home-maker responsibilities since she can no longer work, and has proven to be quite an imaginative cook. I worked kitchens for a decade as a prep cook, line cook, head chef, kitchen manager and whatever other title they wanted to call me plus, I like to cook so I'm no slouch at the stove. However, I mentioned I'd like chili some time to Mary Ann a few days ago and she whipped up some stuff that, to be honest, I think was better than what I make. Claims she had never done it before but found a recipe which she added to. I informed her that had I known she could cook like that I would have assigned the task to her years ago! I'm glad she seems to be getting past the feeling that she is just a burden since becoming disabled and being forced to stop working outside the home. I've put a lot more time and effort into other things that didn't bring me half the joy Mary Ann does even if we do have to shuttle to a number of doctors regularly, but it hit her really hard when she couldn't do anything for Ginger and I and needed to be cared for so heavily. Its nice to see her feeling useful again.
Ginger is sick, so she's staying home a couple of days. She's just got a sore throat and a cold, so she isn't bedridden, but she is plenty uncomfortable. Her attitude has improved hugely as it usually does after she melts down the way she did last week. I just wish one of these days the improvement would stick! I had hoped to get some more "Play" in, because I think that would help to keep her a bit more stable, but with her being sick it isn't likely for a few days. Oh well, maybe next week.
Both the Ladies and I have been slashed yet again by Child. We are informed that instead of the two week visit we had expected at Christmas, Child would prefer to come for a total of four days, arriving in the afternoon day one and leaving early day four. According to Child this is so Child can be with their kids on Christmas. Further, Child would like this to happen on a schedule outside the dates previously agreed to, a schedule that just happens to coincide perfectly with a visit from Mary Ann's sister's kid whom Child enjoys. Child also pointed out that we are always welcome to visit there. Now honestly, in a fit of meanness I seriously considered knocking on their door Christmas day with my bags in one hand and that invite in the other, and saying to them the line we hear so often from them. "Didn't Child tell you we decided this?" but I won't (Probably). Further, I know for a fact the idea was planted, because it was word-for-word the exact same phrase Grandma Satan used years back to guilt trip Ginger. I put a foot down. First of all, we pay for the travel. If you aren't coming to see me I'm not footing the bill. Secondly, I had planned to surprise the Ladies for New Years, and even though I've had to reveal that there are plans I am NOT going to change them. I changed Thanksgiving to accommodate Aunt tree-hugger and Uncle Hollywood already. No more. Child knows I mean what I say and I don't get sweet talked like the Ladies can be sometimes. Child was told it was solely my decision that the accommodation will not be made and the options are stick to the original plan or spend Christmas there and come to us for a month in the spring instead of the agreed to two weeks. Child has gotten into too much trouble at school to be allowed to miss any, so coming prior to spring break is out. Further, we will be going forward with Christmas here on schedule, to include the big family parties with my parents and Mary Anns, which openly and lovingly include Ginger and (prior to this) Child, and if Child misses it we aren't rescheduling. If the extra grandparents choose to get Child gifts I'm not going to interfere, but I know from experience that my mom doesn't usually buy for people that can't make it to the party. She's flat out disgusted with Child to start with, and skipping Christmas will score no points.
Both Ginger and Mary Ann are crushed. We all know it's more stupid immature child than malicious child, but it still hurts yet again. I think it's especially irritating to us because we just popped nearly a grand on a guitar for Child that they refused to buy. We're all feeling pretty unappreciated. Personally, I'm also again flabbergasted that Child would choose them over us. This is actually another excellent example of what I mean. Child is exceptionally musically talented and wants to perform professionally. Child not only sings so well that when we go to karaoke night people hit the dance floor for every performance and even make requests to sing with Child, but Child also plays viola, cello, drums, guitar, and it turns out piano. We only found that out because while I was waiting to pay for the guitar, Child strolled over to the pianos on display and began to play, eventually working out the tune to Journey's "Don't Stop Believin'" just by ear. Last we knew Child wanted lessons but was refused them based on cost. When I said I'd pay if they would drive, they refused saying it was too far away (It's a ten minute drive). It wasn't only that Child wanted to play, but that the music instructor there and two professionals I checked with here all agreed that knowing how to play the piano helps a person sing better. I don't get it but it seems to be the consensus. A big part of my frustration and anger with them, and actually a big part of my disappointment with Child, is the difference in attitude so clearly demonstrated by them and so completely discounted by Child. If piano lessons would increase Child's skill in what would be a viable career path that Child wants to pursue, then Child NEEDS the opportunity to be provided and it is their responsibility to provide it. Not so long ago when Child resided with us, I didn't base what opportunities were provided based on how much I made, I based how much I had to make (And therefore how much I worked) on what opportunities I needed to provide. I went from a 70 hour week to 85 plus to get that cello. Can Child not see what's going on here? AAAARRRRGGGH!
Concentrate on what I have, right? And one more thing I'm grateful for is that I have this blog. When my head threatens to explode I can scream my fury into the wind here and some caring soul generally points out to me that things aren't so bad. I just wish I could find a way to convince Child to stop self-sabotaging all these dreams I hear touted. It's like watching a train wreck and being unable to help.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Friday, November 25, 2011
Here we go again
You know, I've gotten several comments on how great things are for us and so on, and they are usually. But we do have our struggles and in the interest of honesty I'll share that side tonight.
Ginger is a task to manage. She was (My opinion) abused as a child, and occasionally demonstrates some odd attitudes. For instance when we all first got together she was washing dishes at Mary Ann and my house (Ginger hadn't moved in yet) and Mary Ann and I were sitting at the table having gotten our chores done already so we could chat. We were joking and laughing and trying to include Ginger. Ginger became snarky and when I finally got to the bottom of it, it turned out Ginger felt we were sitting there just to laugh AT her, not with her. Understand we were not joking about her or referencing her at all. We were just having a normal conversation that made us happy so we occasionally laughed. We were even a bit miffed because Ginger was plainly ignoring us, even when we tried to draw her into the conversation.
On another occasion she was angry for months over the fact that Mary Ann had a new robe at Gingers apartment in case she spent the night, but Ginger hadn't gotten a robe. Then one day she finally realized Mary Ann did not and never had had a robe at Ginger's place. Ginger just imagined it.
Jump forward to a few months ago. New house, new schedules, new rules. One new rule for Ginger, close the bedroom door when you go to bed. I asked and asked and asked. Then I cajoled and pestered. Finally I flat out told. Then I ordered, and the very next day I come bopping by to see the door wide open. I outright lose my temper, Ginger gets angry, and finally admits she wants the door open so she can hear me in the morning. The very reason I wanted it closed (I didn't want to disturb her). Now we worked that issue out, which is to say I never cared one way or another, until I was blatantly defied. So we agreed she could leave the door open as long as I didn't ever hear a complaint about moving around and turning on lights at dark-thirty a m. Then we obviously had to discuss the fact that I plainly said close the door, she plainly acknowledged me more than once, and then she plainly did exactly the opposite of what I wanted and what she agreed to. She's been frustrating me lately so I thought we could talk today. But another issue Ginger has is she does not answer her phone. I was to fetch her home this morning from my in-laws house where she'd been visiting, and when I finished work I sent a text saying I was on my way and she needed to get ready to go. I arrive, there's Ginger, oblivious. I said let's go and she just takes her time, doo-be-doo. I pick up the pile of stuff she leaves in the floor as she goes back to the guest bedroom to leisurely gather her things, when she comes back I'm standing there ready to roll, when she points out her shoes are in the pile of stuff I'm holding. I hand her the shoes and tell her to get them on and get to the car where I will be waiting. She comes out a few minutes later asking if I picked up her phone. "No I didn't" I say "I picked up the pile you had laying. You don't even know where your phone is do you? Because I sent a message saying to get ready to go", and there she sat when I arrived, still playing computer games. And know this, she almost never apologizes. When she does apologize it's usually for something not appropriate to apologize for, or too late to make any difference. This also pisses me off.
So we start to talk in the car, the main point being when I've told you a dozen times to be sure to answer your phone, you need to keep that phone handy and get it answered. we get home, walk in, arrange ourselves in the living room and have been home all of five minutes when I ask where her phone is, she stands up triumphantly and says "In my back pocket where I always keep it. Oh CRAP, It's not in my pocket!"
Right.
Because you try sooooo hard. And that's where our difference of opinion lies. She says she can't, I say she doesn't. Big difference. Because she could, she just doesn't.
So she get's the phone squared away, and we move on to other things. Now she did today what she always tries, which is to go completely unresponsive. I'm convinced it's a guilt trip thing, but it isn't entirely effective on me, I just keep talking. Today we discussed the bedroom door issue.
"Did you understand you were to close the door?"
"Yes"
"Did you close it?"
"no"
"So you just blatantly defied me?"
"Yes Sir"
we talked about several other things and finally she was just not even trying anymore so I told her to take a break and go to the store like she was pestering me to do. She says "OK But let's write down what we discussed and see if it's relevant in a week". I think this is silly, these are things that have been bothering me longer than a week, but I see no reason to point that out and just agree. She goes to the store and comes back later. We sit down to dinner and I pull out a log book to write these things down as she suggested. I have a couple of things down already, which she approves, and then I ask what exactly to write concerning the blatant disobedience. She throws a fit and now claims she was NOT defying me but trying to figure out how to communicate with me.
Seriously? Because I notice once you drove me past all patience and that got you riled up, just plain and simple English resolved the issue just fine and in just a few minutes. PLUS, I am constantly accused of turning things around, but when I point out that this looks a lot like turning things around she screams "Never mind" and stomps off.
So, it will probably work out yet again, but to be honest, I'm kind of getting sick of this shit.
Ginger is a task to manage. She was (My opinion) abused as a child, and occasionally demonstrates some odd attitudes. For instance when we all first got together she was washing dishes at Mary Ann and my house (Ginger hadn't moved in yet) and Mary Ann and I were sitting at the table having gotten our chores done already so we could chat. We were joking and laughing and trying to include Ginger. Ginger became snarky and when I finally got to the bottom of it, it turned out Ginger felt we were sitting there just to laugh AT her, not with her. Understand we were not joking about her or referencing her at all. We were just having a normal conversation that made us happy so we occasionally laughed. We were even a bit miffed because Ginger was plainly ignoring us, even when we tried to draw her into the conversation.
On another occasion she was angry for months over the fact that Mary Ann had a new robe at Gingers apartment in case she spent the night, but Ginger hadn't gotten a robe. Then one day she finally realized Mary Ann did not and never had had a robe at Ginger's place. Ginger just imagined it.
Jump forward to a few months ago. New house, new schedules, new rules. One new rule for Ginger, close the bedroom door when you go to bed. I asked and asked and asked. Then I cajoled and pestered. Finally I flat out told. Then I ordered, and the very next day I come bopping by to see the door wide open. I outright lose my temper, Ginger gets angry, and finally admits she wants the door open so she can hear me in the morning. The very reason I wanted it closed (I didn't want to disturb her). Now we worked that issue out, which is to say I never cared one way or another, until I was blatantly defied. So we agreed she could leave the door open as long as I didn't ever hear a complaint about moving around and turning on lights at dark-thirty a m. Then we obviously had to discuss the fact that I plainly said close the door, she plainly acknowledged me more than once, and then she plainly did exactly the opposite of what I wanted and what she agreed to. She's been frustrating me lately so I thought we could talk today. But another issue Ginger has is she does not answer her phone. I was to fetch her home this morning from my in-laws house where she'd been visiting, and when I finished work I sent a text saying I was on my way and she needed to get ready to go. I arrive, there's Ginger, oblivious. I said let's go and she just takes her time, doo-be-doo. I pick up the pile of stuff she leaves in the floor as she goes back to the guest bedroom to leisurely gather her things, when she comes back I'm standing there ready to roll, when she points out her shoes are in the pile of stuff I'm holding. I hand her the shoes and tell her to get them on and get to the car where I will be waiting. She comes out a few minutes later asking if I picked up her phone. "No I didn't" I say "I picked up the pile you had laying. You don't even know where your phone is do you? Because I sent a message saying to get ready to go", and there she sat when I arrived, still playing computer games. And know this, she almost never apologizes. When she does apologize it's usually for something not appropriate to apologize for, or too late to make any difference. This also pisses me off.
So we start to talk in the car, the main point being when I've told you a dozen times to be sure to answer your phone, you need to keep that phone handy and get it answered. we get home, walk in, arrange ourselves in the living room and have been home all of five minutes when I ask where her phone is, she stands up triumphantly and says "In my back pocket where I always keep it. Oh CRAP, It's not in my pocket!"
Right.
Because you try sooooo hard. And that's where our difference of opinion lies. She says she can't, I say she doesn't. Big difference. Because she could, she just doesn't.
So she get's the phone squared away, and we move on to other things. Now she did today what she always tries, which is to go completely unresponsive. I'm convinced it's a guilt trip thing, but it isn't entirely effective on me, I just keep talking. Today we discussed the bedroom door issue.
"Did you understand you were to close the door?"
"Yes"
"Did you close it?"
"no"
"So you just blatantly defied me?"
"Yes Sir"
we talked about several other things and finally she was just not even trying anymore so I told her to take a break and go to the store like she was pestering me to do. She says "OK But let's write down what we discussed and see if it's relevant in a week". I think this is silly, these are things that have been bothering me longer than a week, but I see no reason to point that out and just agree. She goes to the store and comes back later. We sit down to dinner and I pull out a log book to write these things down as she suggested. I have a couple of things down already, which she approves, and then I ask what exactly to write concerning the blatant disobedience. She throws a fit and now claims she was NOT defying me but trying to figure out how to communicate with me.
Seriously? Because I notice once you drove me past all patience and that got you riled up, just plain and simple English resolved the issue just fine and in just a few minutes. PLUS, I am constantly accused of turning things around, but when I point out that this looks a lot like turning things around she screams "Never mind" and stomps off.
So, it will probably work out yet again, but to be honest, I'm kind of getting sick of this shit.
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
New day
So, a new day. I read today that giving thanks can actually combat dark moods and even depression, so I am going to list some things I'm thankful for.
My Freedom. So much was done to try to take it.
The Child. Despite the current circumstance.
Mary Ann and Ginger. Because let's be honest, how many people get what we have, even considering the circumstance and losses.
My mothers side of the family, as well as Mary Ann's family. While Ginger's phsychotic and evil family take every opportunity to try to hurt and destroy us, My mothers side and Mary Ann's family welcome us warmly. We turned down an offer from my mother to join them in order to take advantage of kids in Mary Ann's family that are here for Thanksgiving and asked to see Child. The Holidays make us very aware that we have the loyalty and support of a large part of our extended family that others never get.
My home. It's vengeance really, and I suppose shallow, but my last home had a huge yard that was turned into multiple gardens, flame lit as well as electric, with multiple fire pits and fountains. It was suggested several times I contact HGTV to enter one of their contests, though I never did. Ginger has bad allergies, Mary Ann has trouble walking now, and I'm too damned busy to keep up with that much landscaping work. We were able to sell the house (At a loss, but still we got out of it) and Ginger found the place we have now. It's has almost no yard, but is more than twice as big as our old house. It's right down the street from a bus stop that goes directly to the main bus terminal, allowing Mary Ann easy access to damned near anywhere without needing to drive. It's blocks from a huge park, has a two car garage, and allows me to truthfully say I live acrossed the street from the country club. Best part though is we leased it for less than our mortgage payment had been.
GM finally has replaced the transmission in my truck that went out UNDER WARRANTY (Which means there should have been no arguing the point in the first place).
And last one for today, tomorrow I can sleep in till 9. Understand I work 7 days a week and I get up about 4 A.M. Tomorrow I can sleep till 9, and then I go to the family celebration with no work at all. I only get the chance three times a year.
Happy Thanksgiving to all, and special thanks again to those that lent me a shoulder to cry on yesterday.
My Freedom. So much was done to try to take it.
The Child. Despite the current circumstance.
Mary Ann and Ginger. Because let's be honest, how many people get what we have, even considering the circumstance and losses.
My mothers side of the family, as well as Mary Ann's family. While Ginger's phsychotic and evil family take every opportunity to try to hurt and destroy us, My mothers side and Mary Ann's family welcome us warmly. We turned down an offer from my mother to join them in order to take advantage of kids in Mary Ann's family that are here for Thanksgiving and asked to see Child. The Holidays make us very aware that we have the loyalty and support of a large part of our extended family that others never get.
My home. It's vengeance really, and I suppose shallow, but my last home had a huge yard that was turned into multiple gardens, flame lit as well as electric, with multiple fire pits and fountains. It was suggested several times I contact HGTV to enter one of their contests, though I never did. Ginger has bad allergies, Mary Ann has trouble walking now, and I'm too damned busy to keep up with that much landscaping work. We were able to sell the house (At a loss, but still we got out of it) and Ginger found the place we have now. It's has almost no yard, but is more than twice as big as our old house. It's right down the street from a bus stop that goes directly to the main bus terminal, allowing Mary Ann easy access to damned near anywhere without needing to drive. It's blocks from a huge park, has a two car garage, and allows me to truthfully say I live acrossed the street from the country club. Best part though is we leased it for less than our mortgage payment had been.
GM finally has replaced the transmission in my truck that went out UNDER WARRANTY (Which means there should have been no arguing the point in the first place).
And last one for today, tomorrow I can sleep in till 9. Understand I work 7 days a week and I get up about 4 A.M. Tomorrow I can sleep till 9, and then I go to the family celebration with no work at all. I only get the chance three times a year.
Happy Thanksgiving to all, and special thanks again to those that lent me a shoulder to cry on yesterday.
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Hurt
Have you ever been really hurt? I mean, so bad that there's not pain at first, but your mind understands that the damage is extremely serious, and it just doesn't really know how to process it or react yet? Because that's how I feel right now. Like, "That's funny. It's just kind of numb and cold, but not painful really. But I can tell it is going to be agony as soon as the pain gets here".
In the course of conversation tonight Child informed us that certain things would be remaining here because "There aren't enough people in my family to use them".
We aren't family now? Aunt and uncle, who are that only by marriage actually, and who ignore you, and always break their promises to you, and who I know do not believe in you and your talents because they snicker at your dreams behind your back when I try to get them to support you, THEY are your "Family" now? I am just enraged, and hurt, and furious, and sickened, and I don't even know what else.
But I can't get something a friend said to me out of my head. He said my relationship with Child has become toxic to me because it never makes me feel good or happy. I could not deny he was right. And tonight, for the first time in over twenty years, I want to get drunk so I do not feel the pain. I can't allow that to happen. I also can't forget another part of the conversation my friend and I had. I told him I had failed my child once, and I simply would not allow that to happen ever again. He asked me what made me think child hadn't failed me. I hate to admit it, but I couldn't think of an answer. To be honest, I still can't. I don't know what to do. I just don't know what to do.
In the course of conversation tonight Child informed us that certain things would be remaining here because "There aren't enough people in my family to use them".
We aren't family now? Aunt and uncle, who are that only by marriage actually, and who ignore you, and always break their promises to you, and who I know do not believe in you and your talents because they snicker at your dreams behind your back when I try to get them to support you, THEY are your "Family" now? I am just enraged, and hurt, and furious, and sickened, and I don't even know what else.
But I can't get something a friend said to me out of my head. He said my relationship with Child has become toxic to me because it never makes me feel good or happy. I could not deny he was right. And tonight, for the first time in over twenty years, I want to get drunk so I do not feel the pain. I can't allow that to happen. I also can't forget another part of the conversation my friend and I had. I told him I had failed my child once, and I simply would not allow that to happen ever again. He asked me what made me think child hadn't failed me. I hate to admit it, but I couldn't think of an answer. To be honest, I still can't. I don't know what to do. I just don't know what to do.
Monday, November 7, 2011
A new side to me I find I dislike
We've been engaging in "Play" a bit more. Just a little with Mary Ann but a bit more with Ginger. She seems a bit more ready to "Take the risk" if you will. All of us have this new dimension whereby whenever we get involved in anything more alternative than just loving each other emotionally from acrossed the room, anything physical really, we get a little nervous. This is what we were persecuted for. This is not what the bogus charges were, but this is why they prosecuted me. They thought they would have an easy victory because they would bring the alternative lifestyle into play. Much of my attorneys time was spent objecting to the prosecutions attempts to bring my relationship with Ginger and Mary Ann in to the case, once even needing to officially object to the prosecutors characterization of their sexual relationship. My attorney correctly objected based on relevance. No matter what I am accused of doing, did do, or did not do with or to some other party, how can that in any way have any relevance or relationship to whether or not the two women have a sexual relationship with each other? Even the incredibly biased judge had to agree to that, and the prosecutor was told not to bring it up before the jury. It was clearly an attempt to prejudice the jury. The thing is, Ginger and Mary Ann DON'T have a sexual relationship and never have. There was never any indication of one, it was just a blatant lie. I find it telling that the prosecutor felt completely comfortable making the attempt. One wonders how often he gets away with it.
In any event, we are beginning to indulge a bit again, and hopefully will become more comfortable as we go. The problem is I still have that mental and emotional hurdle. That new part of me that I don't like. It's a little hard to describe but I want to offer an analogy that hopefully will make some sense at least. When I was 18 or so, I had a guy settle a debt he owed me by giving me a motorcycle. It was a nice bike, and the series had a good reputation, but it turns out it was not nearly as capable a performer as the bike I already owned. Not long after I got it from him I was out going somewhere on a sort of misty, rainy day. I went whizzing through an s curve I had taken dozens of times on my old bike, including in harder rains, and it tracked right around as surefooted as you please. The new bike couldn't handle the left to right change, and spun around before flopping forward onto it's side throwing me down in front of it. As I rolled and tumbled I looked back and saw the bike, streaming sparks, sliding along after me so I tried to roll faster rather than slower and curved myself out of it's way. Once we both stopped, I picked myself up, determined I was injured but not very seriously, picked up the bike and got it on it's stand, shut off the gas and went to find a tow truck. I healed up in about a month, and the bike was only damaged cosmetically really, but for years after that whenever I tried to turn right it felt like some invisible force was pushing me back upright. I knew it was my own head not being willing to lean over after that s-curve incident, and I knew the odds were slim I'd have another issue. In fact not long after that one of my buddies complained about wanting a bike badly but not being able to find anything he could afford. I told him about the new bike and that if he understood it was purely a cruiser and if he promised not to go corner carving he could have it for free and spend his bike fund on polishing out the scuffs and getting plates and insurance. He accepted and I went back to riding the old bike again which I knew from experience could make that turn without any issue at all. But no matter what my head said, my body just did not want to go. This is a bit like the reverse of that. My body enjoys the actions I take, but my head never lets up on how risky it is, or what might be done to punish us, even if we have every right in this country to do what we are doing. It's even awakened me at night a couple of times. But I know this works for us. I know I have never been happier than I was when we were pursuing the course we were on the day we were attacked, and I know the Ladies have said the same thing with no influence from me despite being afraid of what might happen themselves. So I will try to put us back on course and see where we go. It took several years, but eventually I reached a point on a motorcycle where I could turn so hard in either direction that I would occasionally drag the pegs. Hopefully my confidence and comfort level will return in this new arena more quickly.
In any event, we are beginning to indulge a bit again, and hopefully will become more comfortable as we go. The problem is I still have that mental and emotional hurdle. That new part of me that I don't like. It's a little hard to describe but I want to offer an analogy that hopefully will make some sense at least. When I was 18 or so, I had a guy settle a debt he owed me by giving me a motorcycle. It was a nice bike, and the series had a good reputation, but it turns out it was not nearly as capable a performer as the bike I already owned. Not long after I got it from him I was out going somewhere on a sort of misty, rainy day. I went whizzing through an s curve I had taken dozens of times on my old bike, including in harder rains, and it tracked right around as surefooted as you please. The new bike couldn't handle the left to right change, and spun around before flopping forward onto it's side throwing me down in front of it. As I rolled and tumbled I looked back and saw the bike, streaming sparks, sliding along after me so I tried to roll faster rather than slower and curved myself out of it's way. Once we both stopped, I picked myself up, determined I was injured but not very seriously, picked up the bike and got it on it's stand, shut off the gas and went to find a tow truck. I healed up in about a month, and the bike was only damaged cosmetically really, but for years after that whenever I tried to turn right it felt like some invisible force was pushing me back upright. I knew it was my own head not being willing to lean over after that s-curve incident, and I knew the odds were slim I'd have another issue. In fact not long after that one of my buddies complained about wanting a bike badly but not being able to find anything he could afford. I told him about the new bike and that if he understood it was purely a cruiser and if he promised not to go corner carving he could have it for free and spend his bike fund on polishing out the scuffs and getting plates and insurance. He accepted and I went back to riding the old bike again which I knew from experience could make that turn without any issue at all. But no matter what my head said, my body just did not want to go. This is a bit like the reverse of that. My body enjoys the actions I take, but my head never lets up on how risky it is, or what might be done to punish us, even if we have every right in this country to do what we are doing. It's even awakened me at night a couple of times. But I know this works for us. I know I have never been happier than I was when we were pursuing the course we were on the day we were attacked, and I know the Ladies have said the same thing with no influence from me despite being afraid of what might happen themselves. So I will try to put us back on course and see where we go. It took several years, but eventually I reached a point on a motorcycle where I could turn so hard in either direction that I would occasionally drag the pegs. Hopefully my confidence and comfort level will return in this new arena more quickly.
Sunday, October 30, 2011
This past weekend Ginger and I had the first full "Scene" any of the three of us have engaged in since the assault against us began in 2008. I know, amazingly long time isn't it? It started out spontaneously really. Mary Ann was off visiting family as she often does, Ginger and I were on our own for the evening. I had made dinner and called Ginger to table when I had a sudden urge. I sent Ginger back into our living room and removed her bra from under her shirt. I used it to bind her hands in front of her. I made one large plate of food for myself and had her sit at my feet. Then I fed her from my plate. I had put on some music that I like because it helps me unwind, and with Ginger so obviously content as she lay her head against my thigh and waited for her next bite, I felt myself relax as much as I have since the whole horror began. I can't say it was the same as it had been before, but it was as peaceful a feeling as I have known in a very long time. I remembered that the Ladies have said how a spanking can relax them. I wanted Ginger to feel this peace as well, so I put her head to the floor while she was still bound and paddled her ass with a paddle she made for me several years ago. I paddled her for several minutes, then turned her over to play with her as she lay on her back. She was extremely wet and her movements made it clear she was enjoying herself. I pulled her to her feet and hustled her to the bedroom where we made love for quite some time. When we were finished we lay in each others arms. I was feeling quite languorous and she seemed to feel the same. We didn't speak, we just relished the moment, the peace, and the presence of each other. It was still early in the evening but we both fell asleep and didn't rise until morning. It was a very pleasant evening.
The feeling didn't last, the next day I was back to feeling the anger, the pain, the loss which seems now to have become a part of my soul. These aren't the primary emotions I feel but they are like a constant background noise, ever present. It seems like this weekend should have been a milestone but, strangely, it doesn't feel like it. Perhaps it was more just one small stage of healing. Three years without that kind of interaction. I don't intend to go that long again. Still, it will be difficult. This is exactly what they used against us, our consensual but alternative relationship. Once you have experienced prejudice and hatred the way we have, it stays in the back of your mind always that you could be targeted for this.
The feeling didn't last, the next day I was back to feeling the anger, the pain, the loss which seems now to have become a part of my soul. These aren't the primary emotions I feel but they are like a constant background noise, ever present. It seems like this weekend should have been a milestone but, strangely, it doesn't feel like it. Perhaps it was more just one small stage of healing. Three years without that kind of interaction. I don't intend to go that long again. Still, it will be difficult. This is exactly what they used against us, our consensual but alternative relationship. Once you have experienced prejudice and hatred the way we have, it stays in the back of your mind always that you could be targeted for this.
Saturday, October 22, 2011
Yeah! What he said!
Loved this, so I'm sharing. I'm copying the text, but let me be clear this is from Mat Honan's Tumblr, here:
http://gizmodo.com/5851062/generation-x-is-sick-of-your-bullshit
Generation X Doesn’t Want to Hear It
Earlier generations have weathered recessions, of course; this stall we’re in has the look of something nastier. Social Security and Medicare are going to be diminished, at best. Hours worked are up even as hiring staggers along: Blood from a stone looks to be the normal order of things “going forward,” to borrow the business-speak. Economists are warning that even when the economy recuperates, full employment will be lower and growth will be slower—a sad little rhyme that adds up to something decidedly unpoetic. A majority of Americans say, for the first time ever, that this generation will not be better off than its parents.
From New York Magazine
Generation X is sick of your bullshit.
The first generation to do worse than its parents? Please. Been there. Generation X was told that so many times that it can't even read those words without hearing Winona Ryder's voice in its heads. Or maybe it's Ethan Hawke's. Possibly Bridget Fonda's. Generation X is getting older, and can't remember those movies so well anymore. In retrospect, maybe they weren't very good to begin with.
But Generation X is tired of your sense of entitlement. Generation X also graduated during a recession. It had even shittier jobs, and actually had to pay for its own music. (At least, when music mattered most to it.) Generation X is used to being fucked over. It lost its meager savings in the dot-com bust. Then came George Bush, and 9/11, and the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. Generation X bore the brunt of all that. And then came the housing crisis.
Generation X wasn't surprised. Generation X kind of expected it.
Generation X is a journeyman. It didn't invent hip hop, or punk rock, or even electronica (it's pretty sure those dudes in Kraftwerk are boomers) but it perfected all of them, and made them its own. It didn't invent the Web, but it largely built the damn thing. Generation X gave you Google and Twitter and blogging; Run DMC and Radiohead and Nirvana and Notorious B.I.G. Not that it gets any credit.
But that's okay. Generation X is used to being ignored, stuffed between two much larger, much more vocal, demographics. But whatever! Generation X is self-sufficient. It was a latchkey child. Its parents were too busy fulfilling their own personal ambitions to notice any of its trophies-which were admittedly few and far between because they were only awarded for victories, not participation.
In fairness, Generation X could use a better spokesperson. Barack Obama is just a little too senior to count among its own, and it has debts older than Mark Zuckerberg. Generation X hasn't had a real voice since Kurt Cobain blew his brains out, Tupac was murdered, Jeff Mangum went crazy, David Foster Wallace hung himself, Jeff Buckley drowned, River Phoenix overdosed, Elliott Smith stabbed himself (twice) in the heart, Axl got fat.
Generation X is beyond all that bullshit now. It quit smoking and doing coke a long time ago. It has blood pressure issues and is heavier than it would like to be. It might still take some ecstasy, if it knew where to get some. But probably not. Generation X has to be up really early tomorrow morning.
Generation X is tired.
It's a parent now, and there's always so damn much to do. Generation X wishes it had better health insurance and a deeper savings account. It wonders where its 30s went. It wonders if it still has time to catch up.
Right now, Generation X just wants a beer and to be left alone. It just wants to sit here quietly and think for a minute. Can you just do that, okay? It knows that you are so very special and so very numerous, but can you just leave it alone? Just for a little bit? Just long enough to sneak one last fucking cigarette? No?
Whatever. It's cool.
Generation X is used to disappointments. Generation X knows you didn't even read the whole thing. It doesn't want or expect your reblogs; it picked the wrong platform.
Generation X should have posted this to LiveJournal.
http://gizmodo.com/5851062/generation-x-is-sick-of-your-bullshit
Generation X Doesn’t Want to Hear It
Earlier generations have weathered recessions, of course; this stall we’re in has the look of something nastier. Social Security and Medicare are going to be diminished, at best. Hours worked are up even as hiring staggers along: Blood from a stone looks to be the normal order of things “going forward,” to borrow the business-speak. Economists are warning that even when the economy recuperates, full employment will be lower and growth will be slower—a sad little rhyme that adds up to something decidedly unpoetic. A majority of Americans say, for the first time ever, that this generation will not be better off than its parents.
From New York Magazine
Generation X is sick of your bullshit.
The first generation to do worse than its parents? Please. Been there. Generation X was told that so many times that it can't even read those words without hearing Winona Ryder's voice in its heads. Or maybe it's Ethan Hawke's. Possibly Bridget Fonda's. Generation X is getting older, and can't remember those movies so well anymore. In retrospect, maybe they weren't very good to begin with.
But Generation X is tired of your sense of entitlement. Generation X also graduated during a recession. It had even shittier jobs, and actually had to pay for its own music. (At least, when music mattered most to it.) Generation X is used to being fucked over. It lost its meager savings in the dot-com bust. Then came George Bush, and 9/11, and the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. Generation X bore the brunt of all that. And then came the housing crisis.
Generation X wasn't surprised. Generation X kind of expected it.
Generation X is a journeyman. It didn't invent hip hop, or punk rock, or even electronica (it's pretty sure those dudes in Kraftwerk are boomers) but it perfected all of them, and made them its own. It didn't invent the Web, but it largely built the damn thing. Generation X gave you Google and Twitter and blogging; Run DMC and Radiohead and Nirvana and Notorious B.I.G. Not that it gets any credit.
But that's okay. Generation X is used to being ignored, stuffed between two much larger, much more vocal, demographics. But whatever! Generation X is self-sufficient. It was a latchkey child. Its parents were too busy fulfilling their own personal ambitions to notice any of its trophies-which were admittedly few and far between because they were only awarded for victories, not participation.
In fairness, Generation X could use a better spokesperson. Barack Obama is just a little too senior to count among its own, and it has debts older than Mark Zuckerberg. Generation X hasn't had a real voice since Kurt Cobain blew his brains out, Tupac was murdered, Jeff Mangum went crazy, David Foster Wallace hung himself, Jeff Buckley drowned, River Phoenix overdosed, Elliott Smith stabbed himself (twice) in the heart, Axl got fat.
Generation X is beyond all that bullshit now. It quit smoking and doing coke a long time ago. It has blood pressure issues and is heavier than it would like to be. It might still take some ecstasy, if it knew where to get some. But probably not. Generation X has to be up really early tomorrow morning.
Generation X is tired.
It's a parent now, and there's always so damn much to do. Generation X wishes it had better health insurance and a deeper savings account. It wonders where its 30s went. It wonders if it still has time to catch up.
Right now, Generation X just wants a beer and to be left alone. It just wants to sit here quietly and think for a minute. Can you just do that, okay? It knows that you are so very special and so very numerous, but can you just leave it alone? Just for a little bit? Just long enough to sneak one last fucking cigarette? No?
Whatever. It's cool.
Generation X is used to disappointments. Generation X knows you didn't even read the whole thing. It doesn't want or expect your reblogs; it picked the wrong platform.
Generation X should have posted this to LiveJournal.
Friday, October 14, 2011
F(*^ this whole day
I'm exhausted, but I can't sleep. Today ended just sickeningly.
Well it started out well enough. It was actually going extremely well. Mary Ann is visiting family today, so I dropped her off on the way to work. I had some chores which I ran and then was back in town in time for lunch with Ginger. It was a nice time, and afterwards I asked if she could sneak off for the rest of the day. She asked her boss, who agreed to let her go immediately after the Friday meeting, which he accurately predicted would take 10 minutes. Woo Hoo!! But after the meeting Ginger decides she needs to clean up her workspace (She really did, and I ride her about it pretty regularly) so we spend an hour organizing. Then we come home, but realize we need to get my phone repaired. Amazingly the new Iphone release caused no real business at the phone store, so we trotted over there and had the repair made, then she batted her eyelashes at me and convinced me to buy her a latte'. We finally make it home and I complete one of the two thousand items still on my to-do list for the house. We sit down in the living room and the conversation turns to the relationship. That, and I should have seen this coming, becomes an argument. Some of it was useful, because as a general rule Ginger has to be pushed to anger before she'll admit to any problem. But a lot of it was just silly, and in the end she was argung that I borrow money and don't pay it back, and I'm pointing out that 1) I don't ask to borrow money, I tell her I need it and if she needs it back to pay a bill before pay day just let me know. She never asks so I never give it to her. 2) There have been several times when she needed money, and I didn't base my decision about "Lending" it to her on whether or not it was borrowed. If she needs money I find it, because that's the relationship. I also never ask for it back 3) This isn't a business arrangement. When I ask her if I can "Borrow" some money it's like when my buddies ask if they can "Borrow" a piece of gum. I don't expect it back and they know they aren't going to return it. Finally, #4, she and I live together and share the household expenses. Granted, I pay the whole cell phone bill and buy the groceries, and she pays the power bill in full, but we can't "Borrow" money from each other because it's not her money and my money, it's OUR money. However, since I understand now the way she thinks we can do it her way. Then she get's mad because it's not HER way, and that's not what she said. This was a back and forth, with me basically shrugging and saying we can do it the way she wanted, however she wanted to phrase it, and her arguing that it wasn't her way and I was not listening. I finally got up to get something to eat, and she went the roundabout way to the basement while I was gone, so I decided she was done arguing with me. SORRY, I mean apparently I was done arguing with her. Then I check my email. As I've mentioned before, Ginger's Moron family has stolen the child from us and tried hard to poison child against us. Child has been turned in for smoking Mary J, and was tested, results positive. So the school is going to do random testing and place restrictions on child. All reasonable restrictions and they are a good tool to send the message, so done deal.
NOPE!!
Family will also throw down restrictions and (Oh and this is rich) Do further random testing. Now know two things. Child was a straight A, straight as an arrow, golden child while living with us. Never lied, never stole. Since being with them, the grades are barely passing, medically diagnosed depression, flirtation with gang activity, cutting behavior, and now this. The only reason we haven't returned to court is because Family would make it a fight, and two local psychologists have agreed with the psychologist in their state that it would likely do more damage to subject child to the court battle needed to win custody than leave things alone. The second thing you need to know is that the family has a history of failing to follow through, so child knows as well as I that this is all bullshit, and no consequence will last for more than a few weeks. If we were not poly there would be no question of these idiots keeping custody, but as it is the courts have indicated a clear preference for their home being the child's home. These are people who just decreed 12 hours of yardwork a week for child to reimburse the time they had to spend with the school and will be spending focused on child because of their own damned restrictions. Who demands the child make up for parenting time? Asses, Asses, ASSES!!!
Well it started out well enough. It was actually going extremely well. Mary Ann is visiting family today, so I dropped her off on the way to work. I had some chores which I ran and then was back in town in time for lunch with Ginger. It was a nice time, and afterwards I asked if she could sneak off for the rest of the day. She asked her boss, who agreed to let her go immediately after the Friday meeting, which he accurately predicted would take 10 minutes. Woo Hoo!! But after the meeting Ginger decides she needs to clean up her workspace (She really did, and I ride her about it pretty regularly) so we spend an hour organizing. Then we come home, but realize we need to get my phone repaired. Amazingly the new Iphone release caused no real business at the phone store, so we trotted over there and had the repair made, then she batted her eyelashes at me and convinced me to buy her a latte'. We finally make it home and I complete one of the two thousand items still on my to-do list for the house. We sit down in the living room and the conversation turns to the relationship. That, and I should have seen this coming, becomes an argument. Some of it was useful, because as a general rule Ginger has to be pushed to anger before she'll admit to any problem. But a lot of it was just silly, and in the end she was argung that I borrow money and don't pay it back, and I'm pointing out that 1) I don't ask to borrow money, I tell her I need it and if she needs it back to pay a bill before pay day just let me know. She never asks so I never give it to her. 2) There have been several times when she needed money, and I didn't base my decision about "Lending" it to her on whether or not it was borrowed. If she needs money I find it, because that's the relationship. I also never ask for it back 3) This isn't a business arrangement. When I ask her if I can "Borrow" some money it's like when my buddies ask if they can "Borrow" a piece of gum. I don't expect it back and they know they aren't going to return it. Finally, #4, she and I live together and share the household expenses. Granted, I pay the whole cell phone bill and buy the groceries, and she pays the power bill in full, but we can't "Borrow" money from each other because it's not her money and my money, it's OUR money. However, since I understand now the way she thinks we can do it her way. Then she get's mad because it's not HER way, and that's not what she said. This was a back and forth, with me basically shrugging and saying we can do it the way she wanted, however she wanted to phrase it, and her arguing that it wasn't her way and I was not listening. I finally got up to get something to eat, and she went the roundabout way to the basement while I was gone, so I decided she was done arguing with me. SORRY, I mean apparently I was done arguing with her. Then I check my email. As I've mentioned before, Ginger's Moron family has stolen the child from us and tried hard to poison child against us. Child has been turned in for smoking Mary J, and was tested, results positive. So the school is going to do random testing and place restrictions on child. All reasonable restrictions and they are a good tool to send the message, so done deal.
NOPE!!
Family will also throw down restrictions and (Oh and this is rich) Do further random testing. Now know two things. Child was a straight A, straight as an arrow, golden child while living with us. Never lied, never stole. Since being with them, the grades are barely passing, medically diagnosed depression, flirtation with gang activity, cutting behavior, and now this. The only reason we haven't returned to court is because Family would make it a fight, and two local psychologists have agreed with the psychologist in their state that it would likely do more damage to subject child to the court battle needed to win custody than leave things alone. The second thing you need to know is that the family has a history of failing to follow through, so child knows as well as I that this is all bullshit, and no consequence will last for more than a few weeks. If we were not poly there would be no question of these idiots keeping custody, but as it is the courts have indicated a clear preference for their home being the child's home. These are people who just decreed 12 hours of yardwork a week for child to reimburse the time they had to spend with the school and will be spending focused on child because of their own damned restrictions. Who demands the child make up for parenting time? Asses, Asses, ASSES!!!
Saturday, October 1, 2011
Exhausted, mind wandering
I sat down to eat last night and just never got up. That's not really a problem but it doesn't get anything done. The house is coming along finally, now that I have the time to focus on it. We've had so much stuff just stacked up for so long it's been like living in a warehouse, but 14 hour days aren't conducive to organizing a house after work. When I first got laid off I started just walking into the house, grabbing whatever was at hand, and putting it wherever it went. These pictures hang here, oh, and to do that I'll have to move this box of (Opening box) .....OH! those shelves I have to display my model trains, which are (Looking around)....oh yes, over there, behind my antique display cabinet, which goes over on this side of the room (Drag it into place)... You get the picture. Just keep putting things where the mental image of the finished product dictates and eventually everything will be in it's place. Hang the swag lamps. Clean the pumps and guides on the rain lamp and get it hung. Brace the bookshelves and then put them in place. Cull the least wanted books as you unpack the dozens of boxes (Hey, we like books) and place them on the shelves. Place the display cabinets then unpack the chachkis... Blah blah. There is finally getting to be some reason in the chaos.
Ginger decided she doesn't really want her nightstand lamp any longer. I've mentioned before I'm a near hopeless pack rat. It so happens I found a set of dual swag crystal lamps about 5 years ago, which I brought home and immediately packed in a box in bubble wrap. Looks like I finally have a use for them. I think I'll need to rewire them to hang differently, but they will be perfect for Ginger's room. I also have another lamp I put in storage when I finished my first round of tech school in 1987. It's been moved from attic to garage to shed to attic ever since (Hey, it's a cool lamp). It was hanging over this 1960s over-sized arm chair in my living room back then. We got it at a garage sale to put in my very first apartment. That chair looked like something that would be on Buck Rogers ship for the pilot to sit in, I loved that thing! I'm going for a sort of retro feel in the downstairs seating area, and my mother asked if I wanted that chair again.
Me: "Heck yeah! If I could find one."
Her: "Oh, I still have yours"
Me: You still have the Buck Rogers rocket chair?!
Her: "Yeah, out in my storage shed."
Me: "You have my Buck Rogers rocket chair in your storage shed right now."
Her: "Yes"
Me: "Where was it before?"
Her: "In the hunters suite at the motel."
Me: "And you brought it back when you sold the motel?"
Her: "Yeah. I always liked it."
Now at this point it will help you to know a couple of things. First, until the last few years my mother and I weren't very close. I didn't visit her much at all. So it isn't all that odd that I never saw the chair. Second, my apartment where the chair first lived with me was 2 states from where I grew up. When I moved off to go to school we bought the chair after we got there. When I left school we packed stuff up and I came back home where the chair turned out not able to be used. I unenthusiastically put it with some other stuff for my mother to cull through, take anything she wanted, and then donate the remainder to goodwill who was to come pick it up. I went off to work that day and to the best of my recollection never saw or heard about the chair again. A little later I moved in with Mary Ann, then we married. A few years after that my mother and her partner bought a motel in yet another state and ran it for 17 years. When he passed away she sold it and came back here to be close to her family. To get back into my house that chair was moved 6 times through 4 states. I did of course, take it back and put it downstairs.
I've also culled out boxes and boxes of pretties, knick-knacks, kitchen gadgets, artwork, clothing, tools, and cleaning supplies used for my business. I've organized what I wanted to keep and sent the rest off to goodwill or the like, and as of right now if you walked in this house.........You would never know. I still have shelves and shelves of stuff to organize and put away. I still have tools in just a massive pile that needs to make it into my tool box. I still have massive amounts of chemicals and cleaning products bought back when the amount of clients I had justified buying things on case lots and the amount of room I had justified storing that much at once. Things are different now. LOL
Oh well, just keep going, right? Mary Ann is back home finally, but the trip must have really worn her out because she went to bed last night and slept most of today! I'm glad she's home and I'm sure in a day or two she'l be back in the routine. Ginger came home from work and was reading something called Miss Minimalist, which struck me a touch ironic after I spent literally all day packing things away and putting them in the attic, or in the newest "Donate" pile (Or for that matter, I filled three of our 45 gallon trash containers just today! One handy thing, I still have 8 of those trash cans. At least that pile of stuff is always contained!) Maybe if Ginger keeps reading that book, we'll be making another run to Goodwill or the Salvation Army soon.
In any event, things will be back to normal soon I hope. Or at least as normal as it gets until everything is finally sorted, organized and put away. Until then, I just "Keep on truckin'". (Can you tell I was writing this in the retro-room?)
Ginger decided she doesn't really want her nightstand lamp any longer. I've mentioned before I'm a near hopeless pack rat. It so happens I found a set of dual swag crystal lamps about 5 years ago, which I brought home and immediately packed in a box in bubble wrap. Looks like I finally have a use for them. I think I'll need to rewire them to hang differently, but they will be perfect for Ginger's room. I also have another lamp I put in storage when I finished my first round of tech school in 1987. It's been moved from attic to garage to shed to attic ever since (Hey, it's a cool lamp). It was hanging over this 1960s over-sized arm chair in my living room back then. We got it at a garage sale to put in my very first apartment. That chair looked like something that would be on Buck Rogers ship for the pilot to sit in, I loved that thing! I'm going for a sort of retro feel in the downstairs seating area, and my mother asked if I wanted that chair again.
Me: "Heck yeah! If I could find one."
Her: "Oh, I still have yours"
Me: You still have the Buck Rogers rocket chair?!
Her: "Yeah, out in my storage shed."
Me: "You have my Buck Rogers rocket chair in your storage shed right now."
Her: "Yes"
Me: "Where was it before?"
Her: "In the hunters suite at the motel."
Me: "And you brought it back when you sold the motel?"
Her: "Yeah. I always liked it."
Now at this point it will help you to know a couple of things. First, until the last few years my mother and I weren't very close. I didn't visit her much at all. So it isn't all that odd that I never saw the chair. Second, my apartment where the chair first lived with me was 2 states from where I grew up. When I moved off to go to school we bought the chair after we got there. When I left school we packed stuff up and I came back home where the chair turned out not able to be used. I unenthusiastically put it with some other stuff for my mother to cull through, take anything she wanted, and then donate the remainder to goodwill who was to come pick it up. I went off to work that day and to the best of my recollection never saw or heard about the chair again. A little later I moved in with Mary Ann, then we married. A few years after that my mother and her partner bought a motel in yet another state and ran it for 17 years. When he passed away she sold it and came back here to be close to her family. To get back into my house that chair was moved 6 times through 4 states. I did of course, take it back and put it downstairs.
I've also culled out boxes and boxes of pretties, knick-knacks, kitchen gadgets, artwork, clothing, tools, and cleaning supplies used for my business. I've organized what I wanted to keep and sent the rest off to goodwill or the like, and as of right now if you walked in this house.........You would never know. I still have shelves and shelves of stuff to organize and put away. I still have tools in just a massive pile that needs to make it into my tool box. I still have massive amounts of chemicals and cleaning products bought back when the amount of clients I had justified buying things on case lots and the amount of room I had justified storing that much at once. Things are different now. LOL
Oh well, just keep going, right? Mary Ann is back home finally, but the trip must have really worn her out because she went to bed last night and slept most of today! I'm glad she's home and I'm sure in a day or two she'l be back in the routine. Ginger came home from work and was reading something called Miss Minimalist, which struck me a touch ironic after I spent literally all day packing things away and putting them in the attic, or in the newest "Donate" pile (Or for that matter, I filled three of our 45 gallon trash containers just today! One handy thing, I still have 8 of those trash cans. At least that pile of stuff is always contained!) Maybe if Ginger keeps reading that book, we'll be making another run to Goodwill or the Salvation Army soon.
In any event, things will be back to normal soon I hope. Or at least as normal as it gets until everything is finally sorted, organized and put away. Until then, I just "Keep on truckin'". (Can you tell I was writing this in the retro-room?)
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Changing focus
It's been a dark place in my head lately, and I've been trying to drive away the negative thoughts by focusing on what I have instead of what we've had taken from us. But it occurred to me that I should be grateful also for what I have had, because it's more than many ever get. Something that popped into my head along these lines was a t-shirt I saw a while back that featured two smokin' women and a beefcake guy all entangled with one another while shooting the camera sultry looks. Above the pic it said "POLYAMORY" and below it read "It doesn't always look like this". It was underscoring the point that most poly people are just average folks. After all not every married couple looks like Brad and Angelina either!
But it occurs to me that I DID have that experience. Shortly after we met, Ginger started modeling. Just for fun Mary Ann would sometimes drive her to the shoots. Every time Mary Ann would be offered work as model as well. These were two very hot and sexy women (And still are)! And yet they are both smart, capable, dedicated, loyal, and yes, obedient.
I also think of all the people we know that are not still together. Kinky OR vanilla, the relationship attrition rate is nasty! And yet we have faced much more difficult circumstances than any of them have, and we are still together. I realize most people will never have what I have had, and I realize that I need to stop whining and appreciate that. I know there will still be days when depression attacks, but it's one more tool to use to fight back.
Things on the home front are holding steady. I can't start the courses for the degree I want until January, so that sucks. I may take welding in the meantime, which has nothing at all to do with the degree I want, but would be a handy skill to have. We seem to be making it on the seriously downsized income so far (Keeping fingers crossed). Ginger has been getting frustrated by a project at work, but I snuck in to help her make up some time and we figured out some of the issues together. She tested the latest piece she built today and it's working now. She also volunteers with the homeless through a local community program, and the program volunteers seem to have accepted us since we were invited to dinner at the bosses house. They want our help with their next project and they have hinted they'd like me to drive one of their trucks sometimes. Ginger and I both miss Mary Ann but she is coming home next week.
In fact she left to come home today, but will spend a couple days with her parents to see her niece before getting here. Big change with her to report. As I mentioned earlier Ginger is ex military and she inherited guns a few years ago. She keeps them in a gun safe in the house, and for a long time belonged to a gun club where she could go shoot. Mary Ann has always feared guns though, and when we married I sold all mine but one pellet gun, and that I store in My father-in-laws gun case at his home. Mary Ann does have a bold and daring side. For instance she was scared of my motorcycles when we met, but she learned to ride her own motorcycle after we married and I even got her one of her own. She has on occasion been known to down Hot Damn liquor faster than I drink my rum. And of course living our lifestyle is not for the faint-hearted! She's been staying with a cousin these last weeks, and her cousin's redneck hunter of a husband had been talking to her about how guns, like motorcycles, are just machines. Dangerous and deserving of respect yes, but not to be feared. But I was not prepared for her to call me a couple of days ago and tell me she had agreed to go skeet shooting, much less that she had hit her first target and moved up to a BIGGER RIFLE!! I'm already looking for a gun club and have told Ginger to find out what it takes to legally carry the guns. I want to encourage this. And once again my ladies defy the stereotypes the vanillas put on submissive women. I may be the scary one at 6'4" and 300 pounds, but it turns out I'm the meekest and least dangerous one in the house! Once more I point out that if you piss off my Ladies what I do to you will be the least of your problems!
In honor of this achievement I am including the video for what has long been a favorite song of mine. Who knew it would turn out to be so apropos?
But it occurs to me that I DID have that experience. Shortly after we met, Ginger started modeling. Just for fun Mary Ann would sometimes drive her to the shoots. Every time Mary Ann would be offered work as model as well. These were two very hot and sexy women (And still are)! And yet they are both smart, capable, dedicated, loyal, and yes, obedient.
I also think of all the people we know that are not still together. Kinky OR vanilla, the relationship attrition rate is nasty! And yet we have faced much more difficult circumstances than any of them have, and we are still together. I realize most people will never have what I have had, and I realize that I need to stop whining and appreciate that. I know there will still be days when depression attacks, but it's one more tool to use to fight back.
Things on the home front are holding steady. I can't start the courses for the degree I want until January, so that sucks. I may take welding in the meantime, which has nothing at all to do with the degree I want, but would be a handy skill to have. We seem to be making it on the seriously downsized income so far (Keeping fingers crossed). Ginger has been getting frustrated by a project at work, but I snuck in to help her make up some time and we figured out some of the issues together. She tested the latest piece she built today and it's working now. She also volunteers with the homeless through a local community program, and the program volunteers seem to have accepted us since we were invited to dinner at the bosses house. They want our help with their next project and they have hinted they'd like me to drive one of their trucks sometimes. Ginger and I both miss Mary Ann but she is coming home next week.
In fact she left to come home today, but will spend a couple days with her parents to see her niece before getting here. Big change with her to report. As I mentioned earlier Ginger is ex military and she inherited guns a few years ago. She keeps them in a gun safe in the house, and for a long time belonged to a gun club where she could go shoot. Mary Ann has always feared guns though, and when we married I sold all mine but one pellet gun, and that I store in My father-in-laws gun case at his home. Mary Ann does have a bold and daring side. For instance she was scared of my motorcycles when we met, but she learned to ride her own motorcycle after we married and I even got her one of her own. She has on occasion been known to down Hot Damn liquor faster than I drink my rum. And of course living our lifestyle is not for the faint-hearted! She's been staying with a cousin these last weeks, and her cousin's redneck hunter of a husband had been talking to her about how guns, like motorcycles, are just machines. Dangerous and deserving of respect yes, but not to be feared. But I was not prepared for her to call me a couple of days ago and tell me she had agreed to go skeet shooting, much less that she had hit her first target and moved up to a BIGGER RIFLE!! I'm already looking for a gun club and have told Ginger to find out what it takes to legally carry the guns. I want to encourage this. And once again my ladies defy the stereotypes the vanillas put on submissive women. I may be the scary one at 6'4" and 300 pounds, but it turns out I'm the meekest and least dangerous one in the house! Once more I point out that if you piss off my Ladies what I do to you will be the least of your problems!
In honor of this achievement I am including the video for what has long been a favorite song of mine. Who knew it would turn out to be so apropos?
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Tired
I feel tired. Not sleepy, but weary. Worn out. I've felt this way for a while. I'm just not at all motivated to get back up and get back in the fray of life. I'm constantly giving myself pep talks. I like quotes, and I know several, and lately I have to say them to myself just to keep going. You know, Things like;
Good things may come to those who wait, but only things left by those that hustle.
Losers quit when they're tired, winners quit when their done.
Things like that. But it worries me. I used to find some pleasure in the fight. I don't seem to any more. I don't know why. And I don't know what to do about it. So I think of these men I aspire to emulate, and I recall their words. Men like Churchill, who once said "Continuous effort - not strength or intelligence - is the key to unlocking our potential." So I get up and go again. But I can't seem to remember why anymore. This is not who I used to be. I hope I find my potential again soon.
Good things may come to those who wait, but only things left by those that hustle.
Losers quit when they're tired, winners quit when their done.
Things like that. But it worries me. I used to find some pleasure in the fight. I don't seem to any more. I don't know why. And I don't know what to do about it. So I think of these men I aspire to emulate, and I recall their words. Men like Churchill, who once said "Continuous effort - not strength or intelligence - is the key to unlocking our potential." So I get up and go again. But I can't seem to remember why anymore. This is not who I used to be. I hope I find my potential again soon.
Saturday, September 17, 2011
Oh Gawd!
So this seems to often come as a surprise to folks, but I'm a strong believer in Christ. No, I'm not going to preach. But the topic this evening is about the Triquetra. Also known as the trinity knot, if you google a picture you'll probably recognize it. It's used a lot as a symbol of polyamory and a while back I even considered using it as part of a tattoo I wanted. Since I take tattoos seriously and feel they should not be indulged in lightly I investigated the meaning of the symbol. Symbol of the Christian Trinity (Father, Son, Holy Ghost), symbol of the Pagans (Maiden, Mother, Crone). Apparently the Wiccans even use it, symbolizing Mind, Body, Spirit by it's use. There's no consensus on whether it was used first by the Christians or the Celts, but I figured if it was commandeered for Christ millenia ago, I'm probably O.K. to use it. Then I read an opinion that it's a stylized 666 symbol.
That sound you hear is my screeching halt.
So no really big deal, I just re-worked the tattoo design, and with my layoff it's not financially feasible to get inked anyway so plenty of time to refine the design. Then as I was unpacking I came acrossed a stained glass triquetra. It's beautiful, and up until that 666 thing I loved the design even before I knew it's meaning. No one seems to know where it came from, but that isn't as mysterious as it might sound. I'm a pack rat at the genetic level, and it wouldn't be at all unusual for me to buy something that I liked and stick it in a box the same day "Until I had a place for it" only to forget all about it by the end of the week. I once found a Christmas gift in my attic that was two years overdue, and I clearly remembered that I had rushed out on Christmas eve that year to get something for that person because they are hard to buy for and I had completely forgotten that I'd found the perfect gift and snapped it up last August. I might easily have bought this thing and just don't remember it. In any event, I like it. I have been investigating more, and I can't find much that indicates any serious likelihood that the symbol originated as a Satanic symbol. It may well end up in a window here. After all, it hasn't glowed at night or set the house on fire for the last however many years it's been kicking around. Still, I'm not risking it as a tattoo though. I'll go with something completely original so I know what the meaning is!
That sound you hear is my screeching halt.
So no really big deal, I just re-worked the tattoo design, and with my layoff it's not financially feasible to get inked anyway so plenty of time to refine the design. Then as I was unpacking I came acrossed a stained glass triquetra. It's beautiful, and up until that 666 thing I loved the design even before I knew it's meaning. No one seems to know where it came from, but that isn't as mysterious as it might sound. I'm a pack rat at the genetic level, and it wouldn't be at all unusual for me to buy something that I liked and stick it in a box the same day "Until I had a place for it" only to forget all about it by the end of the week. I once found a Christmas gift in my attic that was two years overdue, and I clearly remembered that I had rushed out on Christmas eve that year to get something for that person because they are hard to buy for and I had completely forgotten that I'd found the perfect gift and snapped it up last August. I might easily have bought this thing and just don't remember it. In any event, I like it. I have been investigating more, and I can't find much that indicates any serious likelihood that the symbol originated as a Satanic symbol. It may well end up in a window here. After all, it hasn't glowed at night or set the house on fire for the last however many years it's been kicking around. Still, I'm not risking it as a tattoo though. I'll go with something completely original so I know what the meaning is!
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Well, it's been busy the last couple of weeks. The buyer of the property I managed had made a number of demands for work to be done prior to the sale. My boss made the seller aware of it, and let him know I was attempting to meet the demands but that it was unlikely they could be met on the timeline I was given (they were unreasonable and there were a lot of them). Eventually the buyer was told he was purchasing the property "As is" according to the contract, and I would get done what I could, and he could take it or leave it. He was also told to stop contacting me outside of the normal 9 to 5 hours. I was appreciative, I was sick of getting requests at 10 p.m. I wanted to leave on a high note, so I set my own standard of getting as much done as possible. I had only been sleeping 4 or 5 hours a night anyway, but I worked 30 straight hours the final two days. The deal was sealed about 1:30 in the afternoon, and I was officially laid off. I came home and got some work done on applying for unemployment, then decided to lay down and take a nap. Instead I slept until my alarm went off the next morning! Since then I've applied for unemployment, registered for school, and started my job search. For the moment I can be picky, but soon enough I'm going to need to find something with medical benefits. I had thought to return to working for myself. But I was told last week by an insurance broker that because of Mary Ann's medical issues no company would offer her private insurance at any price. I was advised to accept Cobra, and once that is exhausted there are government programs that can be applied to. Yeah, $750 a month just for Mary Ann. If I could afford that, I wouldn't bother to get another job!
In the meantime I'm trying to get the house we moved into a bit better organized. Things have been sitting in boxes for over 6 months, but because of my workday I wasn't getting to it, and because it's specifically my stuff that needs to be sorted and downsized, I couldn't really assign it to the Ladies. So at least now I'll have the time for that.
Mary Ann has traveled out of state with her parents to see an aunt she is very close to. The Aunt had to have open heart surgery. She's still weak and has a host of medical issues (She's 80 years old, so no surprise, but it doesn't make her recovery easier!) but she came through the surgery better than anyone could have hoped. She has chosen to move into assisted care though, so Mary Ann will be taking advantage of her unemployed status to stay a while and help with that. She's likely to be gone another month, which absolutely sucks since I may well be back to work when she returns, but with the house being empty during the day I do tend to get stuff done a lot more efficiently. No sweet distractions! Now that I'm sleeping more than 4 hours a night though, my strength is returning and Ginger is walking, well, let's say gingerly. lol.
I'm trying to stay focused on what we have as opposed to what we don't have. I admit though, this is a place I haven't been in for awhile and would rather not have returned to. Although actually it's a little like a new place, or at least has a new factor. I grew up really poor. I worked my ass off to climb out, and I accomplished that. Don't misunderstand me, we were never rich by any means. But not so long ago we could afford extras pretty easily. We ate out once or twice a month, went to the movies almost as often, and pretty regularly attended events of one type or another out of town. After the assault we were forced to repel we were left with some serious debt, and of course my business all but shut down and Mary Ann's illness, not to mention all the legal costs we had to borrow to pay. Two lawyers fighting two battles in two states gets pricey to say the least! With my lay-off we're lucky to rent a movie, much less see one in the theatre. Mary Ann can't even drive any longer, much less ride a motorcycle, a result of the stress she was subjected to. And Ginger is a lot less bright and bubbly, and a lot more cynical than before. I hate to see those changes. I don't know if any of us will ever be as happy as we were once. But, despite all of this, we have remained loyal and dedicated to one another. There was an obvious and deliberate attempt to break us apart by both the state and by Ginger's disapproving family over the last few years, and they each failed utterly. While there have absolutely been extreme negative consequences to us by their efforts, there was little more than a hiccup caused by any of it in terms of the strength of our relationship. That at least, I can be grateful for.
In the meantime I'm trying to get the house we moved into a bit better organized. Things have been sitting in boxes for over 6 months, but because of my workday I wasn't getting to it, and because it's specifically my stuff that needs to be sorted and downsized, I couldn't really assign it to the Ladies. So at least now I'll have the time for that.
Mary Ann has traveled out of state with her parents to see an aunt she is very close to. The Aunt had to have open heart surgery. She's still weak and has a host of medical issues (She's 80 years old, so no surprise, but it doesn't make her recovery easier!) but she came through the surgery better than anyone could have hoped. She has chosen to move into assisted care though, so Mary Ann will be taking advantage of her unemployed status to stay a while and help with that. She's likely to be gone another month, which absolutely sucks since I may well be back to work when she returns, but with the house being empty during the day I do tend to get stuff done a lot more efficiently. No sweet distractions! Now that I'm sleeping more than 4 hours a night though, my strength is returning and Ginger is walking, well, let's say gingerly. lol.
I'm trying to stay focused on what we have as opposed to what we don't have. I admit though, this is a place I haven't been in for awhile and would rather not have returned to. Although actually it's a little like a new place, or at least has a new factor. I grew up really poor. I worked my ass off to climb out, and I accomplished that. Don't misunderstand me, we were never rich by any means. But not so long ago we could afford extras pretty easily. We ate out once or twice a month, went to the movies almost as often, and pretty regularly attended events of one type or another out of town. After the assault we were forced to repel we were left with some serious debt, and of course my business all but shut down and Mary Ann's illness, not to mention all the legal costs we had to borrow to pay. Two lawyers fighting two battles in two states gets pricey to say the least! With my lay-off we're lucky to rent a movie, much less see one in the theatre. Mary Ann can't even drive any longer, much less ride a motorcycle, a result of the stress she was subjected to. And Ginger is a lot less bright and bubbly, and a lot more cynical than before. I hate to see those changes. I don't know if any of us will ever be as happy as we were once. But, despite all of this, we have remained loyal and dedicated to one another. There was an obvious and deliberate attempt to break us apart by both the state and by Ginger's disapproving family over the last few years, and they each failed utterly. While there have absolutely been extreme negative consequences to us by their efforts, there was little more than a hiccup caused by any of it in terms of the strength of our relationship. That at least, I can be grateful for.
Monday, August 22, 2011
Bob and weave
I got the word today, I have a week left at the job that provides about 60% of my income, along with all my health benefits. I was self employed for 10 years. I took a job with a big corporation after Mary Ann lost her position at her corporation because of her disabled condition. My new company has been awesome. So awesome in fact it makes me nervous. They quite literally started paying her medical expenses 12 hours after I qualified for the benefits. They sent me a number to call and a number to ID me one evening, and the next day the doctor's office called that number, spoke to the rep about 2 minutes, hung up the phone and said we were all good. I haven't had a problem since. I actually didn't get the ID card until about a week later. I'm waiting to find out it's all a scam and none of the bills have been paid or something. It was just too easy.
But they were always selling the property. I had planned to transfer to another one but they sold it too. They would like me to transfer about 4 states over. In fact I can choose between several locations, but they are all several states away. However Mary Ann's family lives here, and they have been very supportive and helpful during all of our troubles these last few years. No one wants to leave them. Also Ginger, despite her bombshell appearance, has a job in a very specific high tech industry doing some really advanced scientific stuff. So far she's introduced me to an electrical engineer, a theoretical physicist whom I later saw discussing his project on national T.V., and some guy whose job title I don't know, but who I do know they recruited from NASA about 7 or 8 years ago, before those guys were all getting laid off. So you see that this isn't the kind of work that you just transfer from company to company to do. Unfortunately it's also not the kind of job that pays big bucks either. Since we can't legally plural marry, none of her benefits are transferable to Mary Ann.
So, the hits just keep coming. But, we are together, I am free, we have what we really NEED, just less than we'd want and little breathing room financially. Things could certainly be worse. To be honest, I don't really like my job anyway. I sure liked knowing I could walk into any doctors office and get care for Mary Ann though. That part I'm going to need to get replaced.
But they were always selling the property. I had planned to transfer to another one but they sold it too. They would like me to transfer about 4 states over. In fact I can choose between several locations, but they are all several states away. However Mary Ann's family lives here, and they have been very supportive and helpful during all of our troubles these last few years. No one wants to leave them. Also Ginger, despite her bombshell appearance, has a job in a very specific high tech industry doing some really advanced scientific stuff. So far she's introduced me to an electrical engineer, a theoretical physicist whom I later saw discussing his project on national T.V., and some guy whose job title I don't know, but who I do know they recruited from NASA about 7 or 8 years ago, before those guys were all getting laid off. So you see that this isn't the kind of work that you just transfer from company to company to do. Unfortunately it's also not the kind of job that pays big bucks either. Since we can't legally plural marry, none of her benefits are transferable to Mary Ann.
So, the hits just keep coming. But, we are together, I am free, we have what we really NEED, just less than we'd want and little breathing room financially. Things could certainly be worse. To be honest, I don't really like my job anyway. I sure liked knowing I could walk into any doctors office and get care for Mary Ann though. That part I'm going to need to get replaced.
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
What's in a name?
I always find it difficult to protect our privacy without sounding goofy, but I never know what to call my ladies when I write about them. Neither is the other, and both of them are wonderful individuals, so I feel a need to create cover names. I like some of the ones I've seen over the years, like the sub who refers to her dominant as "Bossman" or the teenager referred to as "WildChild", but I was having a hard time coming up with names for my Ladies. But a few days ago I stumbled acrossed an article about Dawn Wells, who played Mary Ann on Gilligan's Island, and it began to percolate in my head that there was the answer.
One of my Ladies is the epitome of the good girl. Skipped school once in her life and got caught that time. In the 22 years we've been married she has gotten exactly one traffic ticket, for a burnt out tail light, which was dropped as soon as I popped a new bulb in and she drove it down to the cop shop to have the repair verified. She dresses and speaks conservatively, doesn't much like to be the center of attention, and had never had hard liquor before we met. He mother called my house one night at 11 p.m. looking for her because she had rarely been out so late and never without getting permission first, and at the time she was 20 years old. You see what I mean?
One of my Ladies has a 1940's Hollywood bombshell figure. She's former military, has been known to wear clothing that draws a lot of attention and she is a confirmed exhibitionist so sometimes she takes it off when people are around. She likes to drive fast and she is the only one of us to keep guns in the house. Not completely by choice, she has been on her own since she was 17 years old.
So it just occurred to me not long ago to call them Ginger and Mary Ann. That way I can avoid saying "The other Lady..." which I find a little insulting, even though apparently neither of the Ladies does since it seems to make perfect sense to them to refer to someone that way when there are two people involved. In any event, in the future Mary Ann will be what I call the Lady I married, and Ginger will be the Lady That the state wouldn't allow me to marry.
Me? Well think of me as having Gilligan's intelligence in the Skipper's body, and you'd not be far off.
One of my Ladies is the epitome of the good girl. Skipped school once in her life and got caught that time. In the 22 years we've been married she has gotten exactly one traffic ticket, for a burnt out tail light, which was dropped as soon as I popped a new bulb in and she drove it down to the cop shop to have the repair verified. She dresses and speaks conservatively, doesn't much like to be the center of attention, and had never had hard liquor before we met. He mother called my house one night at 11 p.m. looking for her because she had rarely been out so late and never without getting permission first, and at the time she was 20 years old. You see what I mean?
One of my Ladies has a 1940's Hollywood bombshell figure. She's former military, has been known to wear clothing that draws a lot of attention and she is a confirmed exhibitionist so sometimes she takes it off when people are around. She likes to drive fast and she is the only one of us to keep guns in the house. Not completely by choice, she has been on her own since she was 17 years old.
So it just occurred to me not long ago to call them Ginger and Mary Ann. That way I can avoid saying "The other Lady..." which I find a little insulting, even though apparently neither of the Ladies does since it seems to make perfect sense to them to refer to someone that way when there are two people involved. In any event, in the future Mary Ann will be what I call the Lady I married, and Ginger will be the Lady That the state wouldn't allow me to marry.
Me? Well think of me as having Gilligan's intelligence in the Skipper's body, and you'd not be far off.
Monday, August 15, 2011
This is not the point, but I need to say it.
The point of this blog is to remind me of the joys in my life, and to sort of keep me focused on the positive, because I have developed a habit of letting my attention drift towards the bad that has been inflicted upon us. However, I have just read about someones experience when it was let slip that they were submissive whilst getting a procedure in the hospital. It was nothing severe, but it was instantly interpreted by the nurse as negative. In response another person defended the nurses view, and explained they are trained to think that way, and even said something along the lines of better safe than sorry. Better safe than sorry makes everything O.K. I want to say no, it's not. It's not O.K. because it isn't safe to assume the worst. That attitude is referred to as "Thinking Dirty", and the term means medical and law enforcement personnel work from the base assumption that abuse happened. They begin their involvement from the assumption that the abuse they suspect is real, did happen, and never allow themselves to consider that possibly it is not or seek the truth about what is going on. That attitude hurts people.
I know it hurts people because that's what happened to us. I want to say to those that would defend society that even in an effort to protect the abused and oppressed it's not O.K. to out a family by name in the newspaper because you can not conceive of two smart, capable, strong willed women CHOOSING to love, much less obey, the same man. It's not O.K. to rip a child from their home on the off chance that there is some kind of abuse after that home has been investigated TWICE without a single indication of any abuse or neglect occurring. Especially after you have placed another child in the home while that child's parent was incarcerated because you certified it safe. It is definitely NOT O.K. for two adults to interrogate a child and then call the child a liar to their face when the child does not tell them what they want to hear because the child told the truth. It is not O.K. to so terrify the child that that child is afraid to reside anywhere in your state out of fear of being snatched and completely isolated and removed from their family by you. It is not O.K. to rip a mothers heart out by those same tactics resulting in her child being driven away. It is not O.K. to ruin a decades work building a business and a reputation with lies that you later admit you've never had any evidence of. It is not O.K. to imprison people for something you later admit you have never had any evidence of. It is not O.K. to cause so much stress and fear to a healthy person, especially one whom you actually classify as a victim that they suffer medically diagnosed PTSD on a par with soldiers enduring combat in the Middle East. Panic attacks and heart trouble and neurological disorder so intense that it results in medically diagnosed disability.
We were law abiding citizens in what purports to be a free country. We volunteer with the homeless and with disadvantaged children. We give blood regularly. We pay our taxes and help out with the neighborhood watch. We did our part and paid our share without complaint and when we went beyond even that out of our belief in helping others because it's the right thing to do, we were accused of having ulterior motives for no other reason than our lifestyle. Because apparently according to your beliefs alternative lifestyle people can't possibly be motivated by anything other than sex. Well here's a shock, that's not true! We were the people you were supposed to protect! Instead you tried to destroy us because you disapproved of our choice to share one anothers lives and love. And now you justify it by saying "Well abuse does sometimes happen, better safe than sorry"?
Let me point something out. While it is heinous enough that you were destroying our livelihood, maiming my Lady, causing severe mental distress to all of us and mentally and emotionally raping our young child, you were also utterly failing to protect whichever poor soul was actually being abused because you were distracted by your distaste for our choices. And you prevented us from being able to help as well. You increased the problem.
They say the road to Hell is paved with good intentions. I'm not convinced of your good intentions. I think you want to force your views on others that do not share them. But none of that matters any more. I am convinced you will burn in Hell, because no matter what you say to try to justify all you've done, nothing of what you've done is ever O.K.
I know it hurts people because that's what happened to us. I want to say to those that would defend society that even in an effort to protect the abused and oppressed it's not O.K. to out a family by name in the newspaper because you can not conceive of two smart, capable, strong willed women CHOOSING to love, much less obey, the same man. It's not O.K. to rip a child from their home on the off chance that there is some kind of abuse after that home has been investigated TWICE without a single indication of any abuse or neglect occurring. Especially after you have placed another child in the home while that child's parent was incarcerated because you certified it safe. It is definitely NOT O.K. for two adults to interrogate a child and then call the child a liar to their face when the child does not tell them what they want to hear because the child told the truth. It is not O.K. to so terrify the child that that child is afraid to reside anywhere in your state out of fear of being snatched and completely isolated and removed from their family by you. It is not O.K. to rip a mothers heart out by those same tactics resulting in her child being driven away. It is not O.K. to ruin a decades work building a business and a reputation with lies that you later admit you've never had any evidence of. It is not O.K. to imprison people for something you later admit you have never had any evidence of. It is not O.K. to cause so much stress and fear to a healthy person, especially one whom you actually classify as a victim that they suffer medically diagnosed PTSD on a par with soldiers enduring combat in the Middle East. Panic attacks and heart trouble and neurological disorder so intense that it results in medically diagnosed disability.
We were law abiding citizens in what purports to be a free country. We volunteer with the homeless and with disadvantaged children. We give blood regularly. We pay our taxes and help out with the neighborhood watch. We did our part and paid our share without complaint and when we went beyond even that out of our belief in helping others because it's the right thing to do, we were accused of having ulterior motives for no other reason than our lifestyle. Because apparently according to your beliefs alternative lifestyle people can't possibly be motivated by anything other than sex. Well here's a shock, that's not true! We were the people you were supposed to protect! Instead you tried to destroy us because you disapproved of our choice to share one anothers lives and love. And now you justify it by saying "Well abuse does sometimes happen, better safe than sorry"?
Let me point something out. While it is heinous enough that you were destroying our livelihood, maiming my Lady, causing severe mental distress to all of us and mentally and emotionally raping our young child, you were also utterly failing to protect whichever poor soul was actually being abused because you were distracted by your distaste for our choices. And you prevented us from being able to help as well. You increased the problem.
They say the road to Hell is paved with good intentions. I'm not convinced of your good intentions. I think you want to force your views on others that do not share them. But none of that matters any more. I am convinced you will burn in Hell, because no matter what you say to try to justify all you've done, nothing of what you've done is ever O.K.
Friday, August 5, 2011
Just a quick point.
I was told today that poly never lasts. I've heard it said about D/s, DD, and a number of other alternative lifestyles. Seems like the first argument against anything not the norm is that it just can't work. In fact I've had a lot of people tell me their opinions about the way I live. An awful lot of them don't approve, don't like it, are quite certain it can't work, and are quite happy to be quite vocal about it. These folks are just dead certain that this kind of relationship simply can't last. They wait with baited breath for that moment when they can say "I told you so!" I'd like to tell these folks something and I'd like them to listen very carefully and consider what I'm about to say before they offer more opinions about the chances of success of my relationship.
Today is my 22nd wedding anniversary.
Anyone want to offer a toast?
Today is my 22nd wedding anniversary.
Anyone want to offer a toast?
Friday, July 22, 2011
Beginning in the middle
This is not my first blog, but it still seems hard to get started. Let me just describe the point. I am a poly male that enjoys some aspects of BDSM but does not identify as BDSM lifestyle. I don't identify as lifestyle because I feel that BDSM as it is represents a disgrace to what it should be. I live with two wonderful women and we three have been involved in a long term relationship for several years. During the last few of those years, we have been relentlessly attacked for our choices. We have been attacked in criminal court (We won) in Civil court (We'll have to call that a draw) and by a few disapproving members of one Ladies family (We are still fighting).
I had expected to follow that arc of life we all have heard. Justice for all, work and save, stay committed and true, and at the end of life you will be able to relax and enjoy the fruits of the labor. But now my belief in our government and it's willingness to fulfill it's duties regarding the sanctity of our rights as citizens, as well as my faith in society as a whole, have been all but destroyed. Certainly my understanding of these things has been radically and permanently altered. I find myself at a point where I have little of my old life left. I feel as those that have fought a long and bloody war on their own soil must feel at the end. I am told I am victorious, for all the monumental battles are won. But there seems to be no spoils left to claim, and no country left to preserve. Only the ruined remnants of what was once the happiest place I'd ever known.
I have considered my options, and they seem to be only two in number. I can wallow in the pain of loss, or I can begin the long process of rebuilding from here, in the middle of my life. Quitting is something I don't do well, so I choose to begin to rebuild. The point of this blog is to function as a tool to help me to focus my energy and efforts on rebuilding the happiness and joy that was so pervasive in our lives prior to these attacks. I also hope that it serves as a chronicle of what poly life is really like. Perhaps this blog can be a tool for understanding, which could be a beginning of an ending to the hate and fear so many seem to have for polyamorous families. And finally I hope it serves as a meeting place for those with tolerant and/or even like-minded views, with whom I can converse and gain knowledge.
I had expected to follow that arc of life we all have heard. Justice for all, work and save, stay committed and true, and at the end of life you will be able to relax and enjoy the fruits of the labor. But now my belief in our government and it's willingness to fulfill it's duties regarding the sanctity of our rights as citizens, as well as my faith in society as a whole, have been all but destroyed. Certainly my understanding of these things has been radically and permanently altered. I find myself at a point where I have little of my old life left. I feel as those that have fought a long and bloody war on their own soil must feel at the end. I am told I am victorious, for all the monumental battles are won. But there seems to be no spoils left to claim, and no country left to preserve. Only the ruined remnants of what was once the happiest place I'd ever known.
I have considered my options, and they seem to be only two in number. I can wallow in the pain of loss, or I can begin the long process of rebuilding from here, in the middle of my life. Quitting is something I don't do well, so I choose to begin to rebuild. The point of this blog is to function as a tool to help me to focus my energy and efforts on rebuilding the happiness and joy that was so pervasive in our lives prior to these attacks. I also hope that it serves as a chronicle of what poly life is really like. Perhaps this blog can be a tool for understanding, which could be a beginning of an ending to the hate and fear so many seem to have for polyamorous families. And finally I hope it serves as a meeting place for those with tolerant and/or even like-minded views, with whom I can converse and gain knowledge.
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