Have you ever been really hurt? I mean, so bad that there's not pain at first, but your mind understands that the damage is extremely serious, and it just doesn't really know how to process it or react yet? Because that's how I feel right now. Like, "That's funny. It's just kind of numb and cold, but not painful really. But I can tell it is going to be agony as soon as the pain gets here".
In the course of conversation tonight Child informed us that certain things would be remaining here because "There aren't enough people in my family to use them".
We aren't family now? Aunt and uncle, who are that only by marriage actually, and who ignore you, and always break their promises to you, and who I know do not believe in you and your talents because they snicker at your dreams behind your back when I try to get them to support you, THEY are your "Family" now? I am just enraged, and hurt, and furious, and sickened, and I don't even know what else.
But I can't get something a friend said to me out of my head. He said my relationship with Child has become toxic to me because it never makes me feel good or happy. I could not deny he was right. And tonight, for the first time in over twenty years, I want to get drunk so I do not feel the pain. I can't allow that to happen. I also can't forget another part of the conversation my friend and I had. I told him I had failed my child once, and I simply would not allow that to happen ever again. He asked me what made me think child hadn't failed me. I hate to admit it, but I couldn't think of an answer. To be honest, I still can't. I don't know what to do. I just don't know what to do.
Yes Sir mouse has been hurt. It's hard. So very sorry you're hurting. We all hurt sometimes. Of course mouse doesn't know the details, but she's been exiled by her family -- all because she doesn't share their beliefs. How could she? It hurt, but to be cut out over the ideal that you're teaching someone a lesson is beyond childish.
ReplyDeleteSending big hugs,
mouse
Relationships may be toxic, but as parents we love our children unconditionally even if they let us down. Kids are also immature, impulsive and focused on the moment. I did and said things I very much regret when I was young. And families can be just plain mean and vindictive. I've also experienced that firsthand, like you and mouse.
ReplyDeleteWhat to do about all the mess that can be life? If I knew I'd be the guru sitting on the mountaintop! The only thing I can suggest is to keep as positive an attitude as you can, know that someday Child will recognize things as they are even if it's not as soon as you might like, and know that we are all sending you big cyberhugs. :)
I'm so sorry your hurting, that really sucks! Only people that we love can hurt us to the bone! You will always love your child, that is the job that God gave you when you became a parent... it's our job to love them even when they don't think they love us!
ReplyDeleteI don't know the entire situation, but you have shared enough to know that it's a strained relationship at best... I hate that for all concerned. All you can do is love your child, be there for him/her, and remember that this person loves you too, even if Child is too immature to know it!!
Thankfully the one constant in life is that it's constantly changing, given that, this too shall pass! You are right though, it's not worth drinking over... the pain will still be there in the morning!! ((hugs))
Wow,I didn't expect comments. I appreciate them all. You all are right, and I know it. I just needed to find release and I am told writing is supposed to help. It didn't for the record, but the comments did, so thank you all again.
ReplyDeleteI also know, and guess you all deserve to know, that the comment came hot on the heals of a trip to the music store, where the unbelievably gifted Child was given a guitar long desired by Child and very hard won by me. Further, while there I heard some really beautiful piano music, and when I turned it was child. I didn't know Child had learned to play. It underscored how much I am missing and I am extremely...I don't even know the word to use. I'm not usually jealous, but I think that might be the closest thing I can offer. Then, after going to a lot of trouble to accommodate Child's vegetarian diet, I was told that phase is over now and meat would be fine. Again, underscore what I'm missing. In any event, I was already on edge when I got the "Family comment".