I never seem to have a good idea of what to write in this blog, although later when I read what I wrote there's often a reference to something I wrote about that seemed inconsequential at the time but then becomes relevant, so I want to post an update.
I've had a couple of interviews about some good opportunities but not been hired yet. I'm toying with the idea of going back to work for myself but I am not overly enthusiastic about the idea. I've never had good luck keeping good help, and my company is built on quality and reputation. That means I either have to do everything myself or double-check an employee's work constantly, and neither option really appeals to me. I've put out enough proof that I can run my own business that anyone that questions it just amuses me, and I'd really prefer to just get hired on with some big bureaucracy and work for "The Man" from here on. I want to just go do my job, stay out of the way of whatever fate befalls the world around me, and concentrate on my family from here on in.
Mary Ann will be going back out of state to visit family at the end of the week. I'll miss her but she always has such a good time and comes back refreshed and recharged so I am happy she has the chance. She's taken over the home-maker responsibilities since she can no longer work, and has proven to be quite an imaginative cook. I worked kitchens for a decade as a prep cook, line cook, head chef, kitchen manager and whatever other title they wanted to call me plus, I like to cook so I'm no slouch at the stove. However, I mentioned I'd like chili some time to Mary Ann a few days ago and she whipped up some stuff that, to be honest, I think was better than what I make. Claims she had never done it before but found a recipe which she added to. I informed her that had I known she could cook like that I would have assigned the task to her years ago! I'm glad she seems to be getting past the feeling that she is just a burden since becoming disabled and being forced to stop working outside the home. I've put a lot more time and effort into other things that didn't bring me half the joy Mary Ann does even if we do have to shuttle to a number of doctors regularly, but it hit her really hard when she couldn't do anything for Ginger and I and needed to be cared for so heavily. Its nice to see her feeling useful again.
Ginger is sick, so she's staying home a couple of days. She's just got a sore throat and a cold, so she isn't bedridden, but she is plenty uncomfortable. Her attitude has improved hugely as it usually does after she melts down the way she did last week. I just wish one of these days the improvement would stick! I had hoped to get some more "Play" in, because I think that would help to keep her a bit more stable, but with her being sick it isn't likely for a few days. Oh well, maybe next week.
Both the Ladies and I have been slashed yet again by Child. We are informed that instead of the two week visit we had expected at Christmas, Child would prefer to come for a total of four days, arriving in the afternoon day one and leaving early day four. According to Child this is so Child can be with their kids on Christmas. Further, Child would like this to happen on a schedule outside the dates previously agreed to, a schedule that just happens to coincide perfectly with a visit from Mary Ann's sister's kid whom Child enjoys. Child also pointed out that we are always welcome to visit there. Now honestly, in a fit of meanness I seriously considered knocking on their door Christmas day with my bags in one hand and that invite in the other, and saying to them the line we hear so often from them. "Didn't Child tell you we decided this?" but I won't (Probably). Further, I know for a fact the idea was planted, because it was word-for-word the exact same phrase Grandma Satan used years back to guilt trip Ginger. I put a foot down. First of all, we pay for the travel. If you aren't coming to see me I'm not footing the bill. Secondly, I had planned to surprise the Ladies for New Years, and even though I've had to reveal that there are plans I am NOT going to change them. I changed Thanksgiving to accommodate Aunt tree-hugger and Uncle Hollywood already. No more. Child knows I mean what I say and I don't get sweet talked like the Ladies can be sometimes. Child was told it was solely my decision that the accommodation will not be made and the options are stick to the original plan or spend Christmas there and come to us for a month in the spring instead of the agreed to two weeks. Child has gotten into too much trouble at school to be allowed to miss any, so coming prior to spring break is out. Further, we will be going forward with Christmas here on schedule, to include the big family parties with my parents and Mary Anns, which openly and lovingly include Ginger and (prior to this) Child, and if Child misses it we aren't rescheduling. If the extra grandparents choose to get Child gifts I'm not going to interfere, but I know from experience that my mom doesn't usually buy for people that can't make it to the party. She's flat out disgusted with Child to start with, and skipping Christmas will score no points.
Both Ginger and Mary Ann are crushed. We all know it's more stupid immature child than malicious child, but it still hurts yet again. I think it's especially irritating to us because we just popped nearly a grand on a guitar for Child that they refused to buy. We're all feeling pretty unappreciated. Personally, I'm also again flabbergasted that Child would choose them over us. This is actually another excellent example of what I mean. Child is exceptionally musically talented and wants to perform professionally. Child not only sings so well that when we go to karaoke night people hit the dance floor for every performance and even make requests to sing with Child, but Child also plays viola, cello, drums, guitar, and it turns out piano. We only found that out because while I was waiting to pay for the guitar, Child strolled over to the pianos on display and began to play, eventually working out the tune to Journey's "Don't Stop Believin'" just by ear. Last we knew Child wanted lessons but was refused them based on cost. When I said I'd pay if they would drive, they refused saying it was too far away (It's a ten minute drive). It wasn't only that Child wanted to play, but that the music instructor there and two professionals I checked with here all agreed that knowing how to play the piano helps a person sing better. I don't get it but it seems to be the consensus. A big part of my frustration and anger with them, and actually a big part of my disappointment with Child, is the difference in attitude so clearly demonstrated by them and so completely discounted by Child. If piano lessons would increase Child's skill in what would be a viable career path that Child wants to pursue, then Child NEEDS the opportunity to be provided and it is their responsibility to provide it. Not so long ago when Child resided with us, I didn't base what opportunities were provided based on how much I made, I based how much I had to make (And therefore how much I worked) on what opportunities I needed to provide. I went from a 70 hour week to 85 plus to get that cello. Can Child not see what's going on here? AAAARRRRGGGH!
Concentrate on what I have, right? And one more thing I'm grateful for is that I have this blog. When my head threatens to explode I can scream my fury into the wind here and some caring soul generally points out to me that things aren't so bad. I just wish I could find a way to convince Child to stop self-sabotaging all these dreams I hear touted. It's like watching a train wreck and being unable to help.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Friday, November 25, 2011
Here we go again
You know, I've gotten several comments on how great things are for us and so on, and they are usually. But we do have our struggles and in the interest of honesty I'll share that side tonight.
Ginger is a task to manage. She was (My opinion) abused as a child, and occasionally demonstrates some odd attitudes. For instance when we all first got together she was washing dishes at Mary Ann and my house (Ginger hadn't moved in yet) and Mary Ann and I were sitting at the table having gotten our chores done already so we could chat. We were joking and laughing and trying to include Ginger. Ginger became snarky and when I finally got to the bottom of it, it turned out Ginger felt we were sitting there just to laugh AT her, not with her. Understand we were not joking about her or referencing her at all. We were just having a normal conversation that made us happy so we occasionally laughed. We were even a bit miffed because Ginger was plainly ignoring us, even when we tried to draw her into the conversation.
On another occasion she was angry for months over the fact that Mary Ann had a new robe at Gingers apartment in case she spent the night, but Ginger hadn't gotten a robe. Then one day she finally realized Mary Ann did not and never had had a robe at Ginger's place. Ginger just imagined it.
Jump forward to a few months ago. New house, new schedules, new rules. One new rule for Ginger, close the bedroom door when you go to bed. I asked and asked and asked. Then I cajoled and pestered. Finally I flat out told. Then I ordered, and the very next day I come bopping by to see the door wide open. I outright lose my temper, Ginger gets angry, and finally admits she wants the door open so she can hear me in the morning. The very reason I wanted it closed (I didn't want to disturb her). Now we worked that issue out, which is to say I never cared one way or another, until I was blatantly defied. So we agreed she could leave the door open as long as I didn't ever hear a complaint about moving around and turning on lights at dark-thirty a m. Then we obviously had to discuss the fact that I plainly said close the door, she plainly acknowledged me more than once, and then she plainly did exactly the opposite of what I wanted and what she agreed to. She's been frustrating me lately so I thought we could talk today. But another issue Ginger has is she does not answer her phone. I was to fetch her home this morning from my in-laws house where she'd been visiting, and when I finished work I sent a text saying I was on my way and she needed to get ready to go. I arrive, there's Ginger, oblivious. I said let's go and she just takes her time, doo-be-doo. I pick up the pile of stuff she leaves in the floor as she goes back to the guest bedroom to leisurely gather her things, when she comes back I'm standing there ready to roll, when she points out her shoes are in the pile of stuff I'm holding. I hand her the shoes and tell her to get them on and get to the car where I will be waiting. She comes out a few minutes later asking if I picked up her phone. "No I didn't" I say "I picked up the pile you had laying. You don't even know where your phone is do you? Because I sent a message saying to get ready to go", and there she sat when I arrived, still playing computer games. And know this, she almost never apologizes. When she does apologize it's usually for something not appropriate to apologize for, or too late to make any difference. This also pisses me off.
So we start to talk in the car, the main point being when I've told you a dozen times to be sure to answer your phone, you need to keep that phone handy and get it answered. we get home, walk in, arrange ourselves in the living room and have been home all of five minutes when I ask where her phone is, she stands up triumphantly and says "In my back pocket where I always keep it. Oh CRAP, It's not in my pocket!"
Right.
Because you try sooooo hard. And that's where our difference of opinion lies. She says she can't, I say she doesn't. Big difference. Because she could, she just doesn't.
So she get's the phone squared away, and we move on to other things. Now she did today what she always tries, which is to go completely unresponsive. I'm convinced it's a guilt trip thing, but it isn't entirely effective on me, I just keep talking. Today we discussed the bedroom door issue.
"Did you understand you were to close the door?"
"Yes"
"Did you close it?"
"no"
"So you just blatantly defied me?"
"Yes Sir"
we talked about several other things and finally she was just not even trying anymore so I told her to take a break and go to the store like she was pestering me to do. She says "OK But let's write down what we discussed and see if it's relevant in a week". I think this is silly, these are things that have been bothering me longer than a week, but I see no reason to point that out and just agree. She goes to the store and comes back later. We sit down to dinner and I pull out a log book to write these things down as she suggested. I have a couple of things down already, which she approves, and then I ask what exactly to write concerning the blatant disobedience. She throws a fit and now claims she was NOT defying me but trying to figure out how to communicate with me.
Seriously? Because I notice once you drove me past all patience and that got you riled up, just plain and simple English resolved the issue just fine and in just a few minutes. PLUS, I am constantly accused of turning things around, but when I point out that this looks a lot like turning things around she screams "Never mind" and stomps off.
So, it will probably work out yet again, but to be honest, I'm kind of getting sick of this shit.
Ginger is a task to manage. She was (My opinion) abused as a child, and occasionally demonstrates some odd attitudes. For instance when we all first got together she was washing dishes at Mary Ann and my house (Ginger hadn't moved in yet) and Mary Ann and I were sitting at the table having gotten our chores done already so we could chat. We were joking and laughing and trying to include Ginger. Ginger became snarky and when I finally got to the bottom of it, it turned out Ginger felt we were sitting there just to laugh AT her, not with her. Understand we were not joking about her or referencing her at all. We were just having a normal conversation that made us happy so we occasionally laughed. We were even a bit miffed because Ginger was plainly ignoring us, even when we tried to draw her into the conversation.
On another occasion she was angry for months over the fact that Mary Ann had a new robe at Gingers apartment in case she spent the night, but Ginger hadn't gotten a robe. Then one day she finally realized Mary Ann did not and never had had a robe at Ginger's place. Ginger just imagined it.
Jump forward to a few months ago. New house, new schedules, new rules. One new rule for Ginger, close the bedroom door when you go to bed. I asked and asked and asked. Then I cajoled and pestered. Finally I flat out told. Then I ordered, and the very next day I come bopping by to see the door wide open. I outright lose my temper, Ginger gets angry, and finally admits she wants the door open so she can hear me in the morning. The very reason I wanted it closed (I didn't want to disturb her). Now we worked that issue out, which is to say I never cared one way or another, until I was blatantly defied. So we agreed she could leave the door open as long as I didn't ever hear a complaint about moving around and turning on lights at dark-thirty a m. Then we obviously had to discuss the fact that I plainly said close the door, she plainly acknowledged me more than once, and then she plainly did exactly the opposite of what I wanted and what she agreed to. She's been frustrating me lately so I thought we could talk today. But another issue Ginger has is she does not answer her phone. I was to fetch her home this morning from my in-laws house where she'd been visiting, and when I finished work I sent a text saying I was on my way and she needed to get ready to go. I arrive, there's Ginger, oblivious. I said let's go and she just takes her time, doo-be-doo. I pick up the pile of stuff she leaves in the floor as she goes back to the guest bedroom to leisurely gather her things, when she comes back I'm standing there ready to roll, when she points out her shoes are in the pile of stuff I'm holding. I hand her the shoes and tell her to get them on and get to the car where I will be waiting. She comes out a few minutes later asking if I picked up her phone. "No I didn't" I say "I picked up the pile you had laying. You don't even know where your phone is do you? Because I sent a message saying to get ready to go", and there she sat when I arrived, still playing computer games. And know this, she almost never apologizes. When she does apologize it's usually for something not appropriate to apologize for, or too late to make any difference. This also pisses me off.
So we start to talk in the car, the main point being when I've told you a dozen times to be sure to answer your phone, you need to keep that phone handy and get it answered. we get home, walk in, arrange ourselves in the living room and have been home all of five minutes when I ask where her phone is, she stands up triumphantly and says "In my back pocket where I always keep it. Oh CRAP, It's not in my pocket!"
Right.
Because you try sooooo hard. And that's where our difference of opinion lies. She says she can't, I say she doesn't. Big difference. Because she could, she just doesn't.
So she get's the phone squared away, and we move on to other things. Now she did today what she always tries, which is to go completely unresponsive. I'm convinced it's a guilt trip thing, but it isn't entirely effective on me, I just keep talking. Today we discussed the bedroom door issue.
"Did you understand you were to close the door?"
"Yes"
"Did you close it?"
"no"
"So you just blatantly defied me?"
"Yes Sir"
we talked about several other things and finally she was just not even trying anymore so I told her to take a break and go to the store like she was pestering me to do. She says "OK But let's write down what we discussed and see if it's relevant in a week". I think this is silly, these are things that have been bothering me longer than a week, but I see no reason to point that out and just agree. She goes to the store and comes back later. We sit down to dinner and I pull out a log book to write these things down as she suggested. I have a couple of things down already, which she approves, and then I ask what exactly to write concerning the blatant disobedience. She throws a fit and now claims she was NOT defying me but trying to figure out how to communicate with me.
Seriously? Because I notice once you drove me past all patience and that got you riled up, just plain and simple English resolved the issue just fine and in just a few minutes. PLUS, I am constantly accused of turning things around, but when I point out that this looks a lot like turning things around she screams "Never mind" and stomps off.
So, it will probably work out yet again, but to be honest, I'm kind of getting sick of this shit.
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
New day
So, a new day. I read today that giving thanks can actually combat dark moods and even depression, so I am going to list some things I'm thankful for.
My Freedom. So much was done to try to take it.
The Child. Despite the current circumstance.
Mary Ann and Ginger. Because let's be honest, how many people get what we have, even considering the circumstance and losses.
My mothers side of the family, as well as Mary Ann's family. While Ginger's phsychotic and evil family take every opportunity to try to hurt and destroy us, My mothers side and Mary Ann's family welcome us warmly. We turned down an offer from my mother to join them in order to take advantage of kids in Mary Ann's family that are here for Thanksgiving and asked to see Child. The Holidays make us very aware that we have the loyalty and support of a large part of our extended family that others never get.
My home. It's vengeance really, and I suppose shallow, but my last home had a huge yard that was turned into multiple gardens, flame lit as well as electric, with multiple fire pits and fountains. It was suggested several times I contact HGTV to enter one of their contests, though I never did. Ginger has bad allergies, Mary Ann has trouble walking now, and I'm too damned busy to keep up with that much landscaping work. We were able to sell the house (At a loss, but still we got out of it) and Ginger found the place we have now. It's has almost no yard, but is more than twice as big as our old house. It's right down the street from a bus stop that goes directly to the main bus terminal, allowing Mary Ann easy access to damned near anywhere without needing to drive. It's blocks from a huge park, has a two car garage, and allows me to truthfully say I live acrossed the street from the country club. Best part though is we leased it for less than our mortgage payment had been.
GM finally has replaced the transmission in my truck that went out UNDER WARRANTY (Which means there should have been no arguing the point in the first place).
And last one for today, tomorrow I can sleep in till 9. Understand I work 7 days a week and I get up about 4 A.M. Tomorrow I can sleep till 9, and then I go to the family celebration with no work at all. I only get the chance three times a year.
Happy Thanksgiving to all, and special thanks again to those that lent me a shoulder to cry on yesterday.
My Freedom. So much was done to try to take it.
The Child. Despite the current circumstance.
Mary Ann and Ginger. Because let's be honest, how many people get what we have, even considering the circumstance and losses.
My mothers side of the family, as well as Mary Ann's family. While Ginger's phsychotic and evil family take every opportunity to try to hurt and destroy us, My mothers side and Mary Ann's family welcome us warmly. We turned down an offer from my mother to join them in order to take advantage of kids in Mary Ann's family that are here for Thanksgiving and asked to see Child. The Holidays make us very aware that we have the loyalty and support of a large part of our extended family that others never get.
My home. It's vengeance really, and I suppose shallow, but my last home had a huge yard that was turned into multiple gardens, flame lit as well as electric, with multiple fire pits and fountains. It was suggested several times I contact HGTV to enter one of their contests, though I never did. Ginger has bad allergies, Mary Ann has trouble walking now, and I'm too damned busy to keep up with that much landscaping work. We were able to sell the house (At a loss, but still we got out of it) and Ginger found the place we have now. It's has almost no yard, but is more than twice as big as our old house. It's right down the street from a bus stop that goes directly to the main bus terminal, allowing Mary Ann easy access to damned near anywhere without needing to drive. It's blocks from a huge park, has a two car garage, and allows me to truthfully say I live acrossed the street from the country club. Best part though is we leased it for less than our mortgage payment had been.
GM finally has replaced the transmission in my truck that went out UNDER WARRANTY (Which means there should have been no arguing the point in the first place).
And last one for today, tomorrow I can sleep in till 9. Understand I work 7 days a week and I get up about 4 A.M. Tomorrow I can sleep till 9, and then I go to the family celebration with no work at all. I only get the chance three times a year.
Happy Thanksgiving to all, and special thanks again to those that lent me a shoulder to cry on yesterday.
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Hurt
Have you ever been really hurt? I mean, so bad that there's not pain at first, but your mind understands that the damage is extremely serious, and it just doesn't really know how to process it or react yet? Because that's how I feel right now. Like, "That's funny. It's just kind of numb and cold, but not painful really. But I can tell it is going to be agony as soon as the pain gets here".
In the course of conversation tonight Child informed us that certain things would be remaining here because "There aren't enough people in my family to use them".
We aren't family now? Aunt and uncle, who are that only by marriage actually, and who ignore you, and always break their promises to you, and who I know do not believe in you and your talents because they snicker at your dreams behind your back when I try to get them to support you, THEY are your "Family" now? I am just enraged, and hurt, and furious, and sickened, and I don't even know what else.
But I can't get something a friend said to me out of my head. He said my relationship with Child has become toxic to me because it never makes me feel good or happy. I could not deny he was right. And tonight, for the first time in over twenty years, I want to get drunk so I do not feel the pain. I can't allow that to happen. I also can't forget another part of the conversation my friend and I had. I told him I had failed my child once, and I simply would not allow that to happen ever again. He asked me what made me think child hadn't failed me. I hate to admit it, but I couldn't think of an answer. To be honest, I still can't. I don't know what to do. I just don't know what to do.
In the course of conversation tonight Child informed us that certain things would be remaining here because "There aren't enough people in my family to use them".
We aren't family now? Aunt and uncle, who are that only by marriage actually, and who ignore you, and always break their promises to you, and who I know do not believe in you and your talents because they snicker at your dreams behind your back when I try to get them to support you, THEY are your "Family" now? I am just enraged, and hurt, and furious, and sickened, and I don't even know what else.
But I can't get something a friend said to me out of my head. He said my relationship with Child has become toxic to me because it never makes me feel good or happy. I could not deny he was right. And tonight, for the first time in over twenty years, I want to get drunk so I do not feel the pain. I can't allow that to happen. I also can't forget another part of the conversation my friend and I had. I told him I had failed my child once, and I simply would not allow that to happen ever again. He asked me what made me think child hadn't failed me. I hate to admit it, but I couldn't think of an answer. To be honest, I still can't. I don't know what to do. I just don't know what to do.
Monday, November 7, 2011
A new side to me I find I dislike
We've been engaging in "Play" a bit more. Just a little with Mary Ann but a bit more with Ginger. She seems a bit more ready to "Take the risk" if you will. All of us have this new dimension whereby whenever we get involved in anything more alternative than just loving each other emotionally from acrossed the room, anything physical really, we get a little nervous. This is what we were persecuted for. This is not what the bogus charges were, but this is why they prosecuted me. They thought they would have an easy victory because they would bring the alternative lifestyle into play. Much of my attorneys time was spent objecting to the prosecutions attempts to bring my relationship with Ginger and Mary Ann in to the case, once even needing to officially object to the prosecutors characterization of their sexual relationship. My attorney correctly objected based on relevance. No matter what I am accused of doing, did do, or did not do with or to some other party, how can that in any way have any relevance or relationship to whether or not the two women have a sexual relationship with each other? Even the incredibly biased judge had to agree to that, and the prosecutor was told not to bring it up before the jury. It was clearly an attempt to prejudice the jury. The thing is, Ginger and Mary Ann DON'T have a sexual relationship and never have. There was never any indication of one, it was just a blatant lie. I find it telling that the prosecutor felt completely comfortable making the attempt. One wonders how often he gets away with it.
In any event, we are beginning to indulge a bit again, and hopefully will become more comfortable as we go. The problem is I still have that mental and emotional hurdle. That new part of me that I don't like. It's a little hard to describe but I want to offer an analogy that hopefully will make some sense at least. When I was 18 or so, I had a guy settle a debt he owed me by giving me a motorcycle. It was a nice bike, and the series had a good reputation, but it turns out it was not nearly as capable a performer as the bike I already owned. Not long after I got it from him I was out going somewhere on a sort of misty, rainy day. I went whizzing through an s curve I had taken dozens of times on my old bike, including in harder rains, and it tracked right around as surefooted as you please. The new bike couldn't handle the left to right change, and spun around before flopping forward onto it's side throwing me down in front of it. As I rolled and tumbled I looked back and saw the bike, streaming sparks, sliding along after me so I tried to roll faster rather than slower and curved myself out of it's way. Once we both stopped, I picked myself up, determined I was injured but not very seriously, picked up the bike and got it on it's stand, shut off the gas and went to find a tow truck. I healed up in about a month, and the bike was only damaged cosmetically really, but for years after that whenever I tried to turn right it felt like some invisible force was pushing me back upright. I knew it was my own head not being willing to lean over after that s-curve incident, and I knew the odds were slim I'd have another issue. In fact not long after that one of my buddies complained about wanting a bike badly but not being able to find anything he could afford. I told him about the new bike and that if he understood it was purely a cruiser and if he promised not to go corner carving he could have it for free and spend his bike fund on polishing out the scuffs and getting plates and insurance. He accepted and I went back to riding the old bike again which I knew from experience could make that turn without any issue at all. But no matter what my head said, my body just did not want to go. This is a bit like the reverse of that. My body enjoys the actions I take, but my head never lets up on how risky it is, or what might be done to punish us, even if we have every right in this country to do what we are doing. It's even awakened me at night a couple of times. But I know this works for us. I know I have never been happier than I was when we were pursuing the course we were on the day we were attacked, and I know the Ladies have said the same thing with no influence from me despite being afraid of what might happen themselves. So I will try to put us back on course and see where we go. It took several years, but eventually I reached a point on a motorcycle where I could turn so hard in either direction that I would occasionally drag the pegs. Hopefully my confidence and comfort level will return in this new arena more quickly.
In any event, we are beginning to indulge a bit again, and hopefully will become more comfortable as we go. The problem is I still have that mental and emotional hurdle. That new part of me that I don't like. It's a little hard to describe but I want to offer an analogy that hopefully will make some sense at least. When I was 18 or so, I had a guy settle a debt he owed me by giving me a motorcycle. It was a nice bike, and the series had a good reputation, but it turns out it was not nearly as capable a performer as the bike I already owned. Not long after I got it from him I was out going somewhere on a sort of misty, rainy day. I went whizzing through an s curve I had taken dozens of times on my old bike, including in harder rains, and it tracked right around as surefooted as you please. The new bike couldn't handle the left to right change, and spun around before flopping forward onto it's side throwing me down in front of it. As I rolled and tumbled I looked back and saw the bike, streaming sparks, sliding along after me so I tried to roll faster rather than slower and curved myself out of it's way. Once we both stopped, I picked myself up, determined I was injured but not very seriously, picked up the bike and got it on it's stand, shut off the gas and went to find a tow truck. I healed up in about a month, and the bike was only damaged cosmetically really, but for years after that whenever I tried to turn right it felt like some invisible force was pushing me back upright. I knew it was my own head not being willing to lean over after that s-curve incident, and I knew the odds were slim I'd have another issue. In fact not long after that one of my buddies complained about wanting a bike badly but not being able to find anything he could afford. I told him about the new bike and that if he understood it was purely a cruiser and if he promised not to go corner carving he could have it for free and spend his bike fund on polishing out the scuffs and getting plates and insurance. He accepted and I went back to riding the old bike again which I knew from experience could make that turn without any issue at all. But no matter what my head said, my body just did not want to go. This is a bit like the reverse of that. My body enjoys the actions I take, but my head never lets up on how risky it is, or what might be done to punish us, even if we have every right in this country to do what we are doing. It's even awakened me at night a couple of times. But I know this works for us. I know I have never been happier than I was when we were pursuing the course we were on the day we were attacked, and I know the Ladies have said the same thing with no influence from me despite being afraid of what might happen themselves. So I will try to put us back on course and see where we go. It took several years, but eventually I reached a point on a motorcycle where I could turn so hard in either direction that I would occasionally drag the pegs. Hopefully my confidence and comfort level will return in this new arena more quickly.
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