Thorn in my side

Well, I had a topic post all ready to be spell checked and posted, but due to circumstances I'm putting it off. In fact I may not even post it now as it seems my view is (As usual) out of the mainstream and would likely be terribly controversial. But, I am going to touch on the topic in a different way.

I've been tense and angry since last weekend. In fact it built up to last weekend, and I think I've finally realized why. Over the course of the last few days, and indeed the last few weeks, I've seen a lot of news stories and heard a lot of opinions concerning the act of rape, accusations of rape, and reactions to those accusations. It seems that as soon as the accusation is made it is believed. A lot of the comments I've been seeing and hearing have been offered from "Former victims of abuse". They speak with this arrogance of certainty that no one can understand like they do. It seems our society wants this to be the case. Everyone wants to be the hero saving the rape victim. The "victims" all want to know they've helped save the next person. The FBI has changed their definition of what rape is which results in a radical increase in the number of "Victims". It's a pandemic of rape! Except it isn't real.

Joe Paterno, a man that spent his entire life and career taking a nothing backwater college and making it a wealthy juggernaut of an institution, a man that has helped literally thousands of young men succeed in life through his efforts for decades at that institution, died disgraced probably of a broken heart, and why? Because he didn't personally call the police about an accusation of an act he did not witness? He followed the rules and reported the incident to the school administration, who did call the police, who did not find reason to pursue the matter. So now he's fired for not meeting a "Moral obligation"? Let me point out that we don't even know if the accusation is true or not, much less can I see where Mr. Paterno could possibly be held in any way accountable for wrongdoing. But he was fired....from his whole life. What would have been the point of living for him?

What's that? There must have been strong evidence of misbehavior if they fired him? You mean like when Duke University fired the Lacrosse coach because three of his players were accused of raping an exotic dancer? Unfortunately when the truth came out the players were cleared.

And let me stop there, and point out that we've now reached a point where the fact that a woman was not raped is "Unfortunate". Doesn't that strike you as sick?!

Eventually the coach dropped a slander lawsuit when a settlement was reached, but what's never been clear to me is, what happened to the people that made the decision to take punitive action and find the truth later? Are they still employed as top administrators at the school? Some other school? Did they suffer any repercussions at all? That coach had two teen-aged children as I recall. Their father went from a well paying job to unemployment. Do you suppose that affected their lives at all? What about when they had to move. Uprooted to a new school, leaving friends, being the new kids. What are the odds the new school mates did NOT know who they were, that they did not get teased about it? Pretty slim I'd bet. And the Lacrosse players, the team shut down, all their reputations tarnished. Do you suppose anyone didn't just brand them all right down to the waterboy as rapists? And three of them arrested, jailed, then paraded for weeks in front of the news cameras as they, too, were slandered repeatedly. Do you suppose there were any long term effect to them? And the school itself. Where do you suppose all that money for restitution came from? Do you think maybe there was some budgetary impact there that affected even the incoming freshmen and the opportunities they had from their time in college? And since I'm displaying my ignorance of the obvious, could someone help me understand how, even if it had been true that three college players threw a party and raped a girl there (Stripper, cheer leader, girl scout, whoever) How is that in any way the coaches fault? Are we going to be arresting the parents too? After all, they have to have at least as much responsibility for the child, right?

What's that you say? But we must at least take any allegation of assault involving a child very seriously? Is that right? Then you'll be glad to know that all over the country, those cases are being taken very seriously. A couple of months ago a North Carolina boy aged 9 was suspended from school for sexual harassment. What did he do? Well he told a friend his teacher was "Cute". Not hot, or sexy, or anything graphic, the word he used was "Cute". Careful out there gentlemen, if one third grader telling another his teacher is "Cute" is sexual harassment, why we adults might be approaching rape.

Think I'm taking one rare anomaly as the norm? Then what about the six year old in California who was charged with sexual assault resulting from a game of tag. Supposedly he contacted his playmate during the game in the "upper thigh and groin area". No witnesses other than the accuser, but the accused (Age six mind you) was taken to the principals office where he finally confessed to the touch after two hours of questions by the adults who only then, after the confession, contacted his parents. In a twist of irony the parents contacted a lawyer who pointed out to officials that in California you can not charge a third grader with sexual assault in any circumstance because the law states that no sexual intent can be present unless the child is in at least the fourth grade. I would think that would be embarrassing to the school, but remember, they proudly brought the charges in the first place, so probably not. I read the results once of a study that concluded that young children that are seduced into abuse, IE they are coerced or convinced to go along willingly, suffer almost all, if not all, their damage resulting from the incident after the fact, when they are told something horrible happened to them and are offered "Help". You see, they aren't humiliated, horrified, depressed, or feeling betrayed until they are "Helped". I don't pretend to have a better idea than prosecuting the offender, but I do wonder if the idea is that it's all about the child and his or her well being, how do we as a society justify the damage done by "Helping"? I was reminded of this study because the parents of the California boy say he is suffering from confusion and a bit depressed. You see, just a few days prior to this he was given an award for being such a good student, and now this. He can't understand what he did wrong or why the teachers are angry with him. He wonders why he needs to go to another school.

Do you suppose this experience will stick with him?

At least that six year old wasn't sexually violent. In Massachusetts a seven year old is facing trouble after he admitted that he gave a bully a shot to the jewels. The fact that he was fending off an older boy who stole his gloves and choked him before he struck the older boy in the groin while on the school bus is beside the point, sexual harassment charges followed. I think it's terribly lenient of them to not call it rape and a violent rape at that. But then I guess I shouldn't be surprised after all, considering that the theft and choking incidents merited no punishments at all for the older boy. In fact as I say, the choking was occurring on the school bus and no one intervened, so I guess that was O.K.

Don't mistake what I'm saying. Rape is a vile thing, in fact vile is not a strong enough word. And let's get something else straight, my Ladies have been on the receiving end. Before she met me, Mary Ann had a boyfriend simply pull her pants down and fuck her in the gravel of an out of the way place he had taken her to. It was date rape, she went with him willingly not knowing his plans, but it was rape. The use of her body by force and without consent. Soon after we started dating Ginger, she had a man that was employed by the apartment complex where she lived offer to help her carry some shelving up to her place. She agreed since they were acquainted, and was grateful for the help. At least until he shoved her against a wall, stuck his hands up her shirt and down her pants and tried to force his tongue into her mouth while undressing her. Fortunately she was able to fight him off, push him out her door and then slam and lock it. We reported it to the police who did prosecute, though not enthusiastically. During the time that took, Ginger began having other employees enter her apartment without notice while no one was home, including on Christmas day to do a "Routine property inspection". Do you suppose they "Routinely" work Christmas? They would look around, open drawers, and so on. They weren't happy when we set up a surveillance camera but the visits stopped. Then when advised by a counselor she was seeing after the incident to move out because the location was inextricably linked to the memory, the complex claimed this was not grounds to break her lease. We bought it out instead but they tried to keep her deposit, claiming the apartment was left in bad condition. Fortunately I know something about leasing. When I pointed out we'd had the clean-out performed by a company that provided these services professionally for various leasing agencies, and that I had receipts, video, and a good lawyer, they decided to see things our way and there was no further incident. I tell you this so you can understand that we all know what can and does happen, and that the victimization is not just the sexual assault, but it is the fallout after and that it goes on for a long time. I know the victims of rape and attempted rape are not just the women, but the man that feels he failed to protect her, and the relationship that is forever affected by the act. The very personalities of the people that suffer these things change.

WE, too, are "Rape survivors". And we are also survivors of false rape charges. "Survivors" sounds better than "Victims" but trust me, it doesn't feel any differently. And now we are victims of the attitudes of society. Ginger has decided to do more walking. Saves gas, good exercise, all those right reasons. Recognizing the reality at least a well as most people, I have sent both Ladies through the nationwide RADS program several times. If you are not familiar, it stands for Rape And Aggression Defense class. It is supposed to teach a woman how to get away from a bad situation. I cocked an eyebrow when from the start the women in this class are told not to worry about whatever damage they do, because they can't be prosecuted so long as they remember to tell the police they "Feared for their lives". Legal loophole, makes things self defense, even if it wasn't. Who can blame the poor helpless woman if she "feared for her life". She had a right to attack. Still, it's a rough world and yes, sometimes mistakes get made out of fear. I can accept the policy. But in this most recent class, a story was told that went like this;

"Woman likes man. Woman sees the man while out for the evening drinking. Woman accepts mans offer to join him and proceeds to get drunk. Woman goes home with man at end of evening. Woman awakes the next morning in mans bed, and realizes she's been slutting it up. Horrified, woman claims man raped her. According to the instructor, who made this statement in front of the police officers who help sponsor these classes, this was a rape because the woman has a right to get drunk". There was some further male bashing which truly upset Ginger, and when approached by the instructor as to what was wrong she told the instructor exactly what and why. The instructor immediately said she wanted to try to get Ginger some help. Really? She just wanted to help. Here's the thing, she could immediately help greatly by stopping telling young women in her class that if they accept or even encourage a man to take them to bed, and then regret it later, that it is rape. She could instead suggest that if a woman wants to avoid these situations they could employ personal responsibility. Don't let yourself get into these situations, and if you do then please accept that it isn't the mans fault that you willingly lowered your standards enough to let him take you home. It's his fault if he's a slob. It's her fault if she chose to go to bed with him, even if she was drunk at the time.

I was discussing this with an acquaintance who related to me a story from a few years ago where he went to the employee Christmas party where he worked, and happened to witness a fellow female employee take two of her co workers outside. He then noticed they stopped at the car and she basically gave one a blow job while the other screwed her right there in the parking lot. A couple of days later she learned that this little gathering was not the secret she believed, but had been witnessed by many of the people that could easily see them from the party in the clubhouse. She claimed rape. Several people at the party, including my acquaintance, went to the police to say she was a very willing participant, but each was asked if she was drunk and each truthfully said yes she was. They were then informed that since she was drunk she could not legally give consent. When informed that the males were also drunk, the police said that was irrelevant. The thread that saved these guys was, at the trial several employees testified that the woman initiated the issue by inviting the guys outside. Their lawyers argued (Oh the irony) That they were not legally able to consent. What I notice is, the woman was never charged with raping them. I wonder why, don't you? Could it be male "Victims" are no fun to save from rape?

So this is where my head was, when I tumbled into the posts and writings of several lifestyle blogs and sites, and suddenly started seeing these comments about how a submissive that willingly accepts the state of "Total slave" and "Complete power exchange" and is then shared with others or "Trained' to never refuse a sexual request, has been "Raped". Several women claimed to not have realized at the time that they were being "Raped". While I don't want to minimize the fact that having made huge mistakes certainly is a negative thing that must be endured. While I want to recognize the pain and acknowledge the damage done by a bad relationship and bad choices. I need to be terribly politically incorrect and point out that by virtue of the fact that choice was involved, it was not rape. And don't talk to me about coercion, that goes on all the time. Most lifestyle people call it pushing boundaries or challenging limits. You can only do that if you get the persons permission to violate the limit in order to experience the act in order to evaluate it. An awful lot of women I've met experienced anal sex for the first time this way, and an awful lot of them still engage in it for various reasons. They weren't raped, and they certainly didn't get raped and enjoy it, thus deciding to do it again and again.

And that's been my problem. I have difficulty with blatant stupidity, and lately I've been exposed to a lot of it. Everyone wants to know why the students at State College still supported Paterno. Maybe they are in a better position to know the truth? None of the other women in that self defense course even questioned the validity of the idea that it's not the womans fault if she willingly goes to bed with a man she would never choose if she were not drunk. Have you read about Josh POwell? The one who killed his boys and then himself recently? I hear he must have done it because otherwise why kill himself. Well, his wife disappeared, he was blamed for that despite the fact that the police admit there is no evidence to support the claim, then lost his kids and as far as I can tell that was because his FATHER is accused of having child porn on his computer. In fact he had just been the victor in an attempt to add restrictions to his visitation rights, because the judge saw no evidence that a change was warranted. He was followed by news crews constantly publicly broadcasting his ordeal, and I'm sure he constantly heard opinions on the situation. Opinions about him personally. One can only wonder how he was supposed to work, date, heal at all. And maybe he DID do it all. Maybe he killed his wife and molested his boys and was a general blight to all of mankind. But at this point, just as possible he didn't and wasn't, but no one seems to want that to be the case. It makes me just want to slam my head in to the wall in frustration at the absurdity, the apathy, the brainlessness of society!

There's more about this that gets to me, but it's Valentines day. I'm going to go be with the Ladies and try to focus on the positive. Hope all out there in reader-land have a wonderful day as well.