This past weekend Ginger and I had the first full "Scene" any of the three of us have engaged in since the assault against us began in 2008. I know, amazingly long time isn't it? It started out spontaneously really. Mary Ann was off visiting family as she often does, Ginger and I were on our own for the evening. I had made dinner and called Ginger to table when I had a sudden urge. I sent Ginger back into our living room and removed her bra from under her shirt. I used it to bind her hands in front of her. I made one large plate of food for myself and had her sit at my feet. Then I fed her from my plate. I had put on some music that I like because it helps me unwind, and with Ginger so obviously content as she lay her head against my thigh and waited for her next bite, I felt myself relax as much as I have since the whole horror began. I can't say it was the same as it had been before, but it was as peaceful a feeling as I have known in a very long time. I remembered that the Ladies have said how a spanking can relax them. I wanted Ginger to feel this peace as well, so I put her head to the floor while she was still bound and paddled her ass with a paddle she made for me several years ago. I paddled her for several minutes, then turned her over to play with her as she lay on her back. She was extremely wet and her movements made it clear she was enjoying herself. I pulled her to her feet and hustled her to the bedroom where we made love for quite some time. When we were finished we lay in each others arms. I was feeling quite languorous and she seemed to feel the same. We didn't speak, we just relished the moment, the peace, and the presence of each other. It was still early in the evening but we both fell asleep and didn't rise until morning. It was a very pleasant evening.
The feeling didn't last, the next day I was back to feeling the anger, the pain, the loss which seems now to have become a part of my soul. These aren't the primary emotions I feel but they are like a constant background noise, ever present. It seems like this weekend should have been a milestone but, strangely, it doesn't feel like it. Perhaps it was more just one small stage of healing. Three years without that kind of interaction. I don't intend to go that long again. Still, it will be difficult. This is exactly what they used against us, our consensual but alternative relationship. Once you have experienced prejudice and hatred the way we have, it stays in the back of your mind always that you could be targeted for this.
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Saturday, October 22, 2011
Yeah! What he said!
Loved this, so I'm sharing. I'm copying the text, but let me be clear this is from Mat Honan's Tumblr, here:
http://gizmodo.com/5851062/generation-x-is-sick-of-your-bullshit
Generation X Doesn’t Want to Hear It
Earlier generations have weathered recessions, of course; this stall we’re in has the look of something nastier. Social Security and Medicare are going to be diminished, at best. Hours worked are up even as hiring staggers along: Blood from a stone looks to be the normal order of things “going forward,” to borrow the business-speak. Economists are warning that even when the economy recuperates, full employment will be lower and growth will be slower—a sad little rhyme that adds up to something decidedly unpoetic. A majority of Americans say, for the first time ever, that this generation will not be better off than its parents.
From New York Magazine
Generation X is sick of your bullshit.
The first generation to do worse than its parents? Please. Been there. Generation X was told that so many times that it can't even read those words without hearing Winona Ryder's voice in its heads. Or maybe it's Ethan Hawke's. Possibly Bridget Fonda's. Generation X is getting older, and can't remember those movies so well anymore. In retrospect, maybe they weren't very good to begin with.
But Generation X is tired of your sense of entitlement. Generation X also graduated during a recession. It had even shittier jobs, and actually had to pay for its own music. (At least, when music mattered most to it.) Generation X is used to being fucked over. It lost its meager savings in the dot-com bust. Then came George Bush, and 9/11, and the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. Generation X bore the brunt of all that. And then came the housing crisis.
Generation X wasn't surprised. Generation X kind of expected it.
Generation X is a journeyman. It didn't invent hip hop, or punk rock, or even electronica (it's pretty sure those dudes in Kraftwerk are boomers) but it perfected all of them, and made them its own. It didn't invent the Web, but it largely built the damn thing. Generation X gave you Google and Twitter and blogging; Run DMC and Radiohead and Nirvana and Notorious B.I.G. Not that it gets any credit.
But that's okay. Generation X is used to being ignored, stuffed between two much larger, much more vocal, demographics. But whatever! Generation X is self-sufficient. It was a latchkey child. Its parents were too busy fulfilling their own personal ambitions to notice any of its trophies-which were admittedly few and far between because they were only awarded for victories, not participation.
In fairness, Generation X could use a better spokesperson. Barack Obama is just a little too senior to count among its own, and it has debts older than Mark Zuckerberg. Generation X hasn't had a real voice since Kurt Cobain blew his brains out, Tupac was murdered, Jeff Mangum went crazy, David Foster Wallace hung himself, Jeff Buckley drowned, River Phoenix overdosed, Elliott Smith stabbed himself (twice) in the heart, Axl got fat.
Generation X is beyond all that bullshit now. It quit smoking and doing coke a long time ago. It has blood pressure issues and is heavier than it would like to be. It might still take some ecstasy, if it knew where to get some. But probably not. Generation X has to be up really early tomorrow morning.
Generation X is tired.
It's a parent now, and there's always so damn much to do. Generation X wishes it had better health insurance and a deeper savings account. It wonders where its 30s went. It wonders if it still has time to catch up.
Right now, Generation X just wants a beer and to be left alone. It just wants to sit here quietly and think for a minute. Can you just do that, okay? It knows that you are so very special and so very numerous, but can you just leave it alone? Just for a little bit? Just long enough to sneak one last fucking cigarette? No?
Whatever. It's cool.
Generation X is used to disappointments. Generation X knows you didn't even read the whole thing. It doesn't want or expect your reblogs; it picked the wrong platform.
Generation X should have posted this to LiveJournal.
http://gizmodo.com/5851062/generation-x-is-sick-of-your-bullshit
Generation X Doesn’t Want to Hear It
Earlier generations have weathered recessions, of course; this stall we’re in has the look of something nastier. Social Security and Medicare are going to be diminished, at best. Hours worked are up even as hiring staggers along: Blood from a stone looks to be the normal order of things “going forward,” to borrow the business-speak. Economists are warning that even when the economy recuperates, full employment will be lower and growth will be slower—a sad little rhyme that adds up to something decidedly unpoetic. A majority of Americans say, for the first time ever, that this generation will not be better off than its parents.
From New York Magazine
Generation X is sick of your bullshit.
The first generation to do worse than its parents? Please. Been there. Generation X was told that so many times that it can't even read those words without hearing Winona Ryder's voice in its heads. Or maybe it's Ethan Hawke's. Possibly Bridget Fonda's. Generation X is getting older, and can't remember those movies so well anymore. In retrospect, maybe they weren't very good to begin with.
But Generation X is tired of your sense of entitlement. Generation X also graduated during a recession. It had even shittier jobs, and actually had to pay for its own music. (At least, when music mattered most to it.) Generation X is used to being fucked over. It lost its meager savings in the dot-com bust. Then came George Bush, and 9/11, and the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. Generation X bore the brunt of all that. And then came the housing crisis.
Generation X wasn't surprised. Generation X kind of expected it.
Generation X is a journeyman. It didn't invent hip hop, or punk rock, or even electronica (it's pretty sure those dudes in Kraftwerk are boomers) but it perfected all of them, and made them its own. It didn't invent the Web, but it largely built the damn thing. Generation X gave you Google and Twitter and blogging; Run DMC and Radiohead and Nirvana and Notorious B.I.G. Not that it gets any credit.
But that's okay. Generation X is used to being ignored, stuffed between two much larger, much more vocal, demographics. But whatever! Generation X is self-sufficient. It was a latchkey child. Its parents were too busy fulfilling their own personal ambitions to notice any of its trophies-which were admittedly few and far between because they were only awarded for victories, not participation.
In fairness, Generation X could use a better spokesperson. Barack Obama is just a little too senior to count among its own, and it has debts older than Mark Zuckerberg. Generation X hasn't had a real voice since Kurt Cobain blew his brains out, Tupac was murdered, Jeff Mangum went crazy, David Foster Wallace hung himself, Jeff Buckley drowned, River Phoenix overdosed, Elliott Smith stabbed himself (twice) in the heart, Axl got fat.
Generation X is beyond all that bullshit now. It quit smoking and doing coke a long time ago. It has blood pressure issues and is heavier than it would like to be. It might still take some ecstasy, if it knew where to get some. But probably not. Generation X has to be up really early tomorrow morning.
Generation X is tired.
It's a parent now, and there's always so damn much to do. Generation X wishes it had better health insurance and a deeper savings account. It wonders where its 30s went. It wonders if it still has time to catch up.
Right now, Generation X just wants a beer and to be left alone. It just wants to sit here quietly and think for a minute. Can you just do that, okay? It knows that you are so very special and so very numerous, but can you just leave it alone? Just for a little bit? Just long enough to sneak one last fucking cigarette? No?
Whatever. It's cool.
Generation X is used to disappointments. Generation X knows you didn't even read the whole thing. It doesn't want or expect your reblogs; it picked the wrong platform.
Generation X should have posted this to LiveJournal.
Friday, October 14, 2011
F(*^ this whole day
I'm exhausted, but I can't sleep. Today ended just sickeningly.
Well it started out well enough. It was actually going extremely well. Mary Ann is visiting family today, so I dropped her off on the way to work. I had some chores which I ran and then was back in town in time for lunch with Ginger. It was a nice time, and afterwards I asked if she could sneak off for the rest of the day. She asked her boss, who agreed to let her go immediately after the Friday meeting, which he accurately predicted would take 10 minutes. Woo Hoo!! But after the meeting Ginger decides she needs to clean up her workspace (She really did, and I ride her about it pretty regularly) so we spend an hour organizing. Then we come home, but realize we need to get my phone repaired. Amazingly the new Iphone release caused no real business at the phone store, so we trotted over there and had the repair made, then she batted her eyelashes at me and convinced me to buy her a latte'. We finally make it home and I complete one of the two thousand items still on my to-do list for the house. We sit down in the living room and the conversation turns to the relationship. That, and I should have seen this coming, becomes an argument. Some of it was useful, because as a general rule Ginger has to be pushed to anger before she'll admit to any problem. But a lot of it was just silly, and in the end she was argung that I borrow money and don't pay it back, and I'm pointing out that 1) I don't ask to borrow money, I tell her I need it and if she needs it back to pay a bill before pay day just let me know. She never asks so I never give it to her. 2) There have been several times when she needed money, and I didn't base my decision about "Lending" it to her on whether or not it was borrowed. If she needs money I find it, because that's the relationship. I also never ask for it back 3) This isn't a business arrangement. When I ask her if I can "Borrow" some money it's like when my buddies ask if they can "Borrow" a piece of gum. I don't expect it back and they know they aren't going to return it. Finally, #4, she and I live together and share the household expenses. Granted, I pay the whole cell phone bill and buy the groceries, and she pays the power bill in full, but we can't "Borrow" money from each other because it's not her money and my money, it's OUR money. However, since I understand now the way she thinks we can do it her way. Then she get's mad because it's not HER way, and that's not what she said. This was a back and forth, with me basically shrugging and saying we can do it the way she wanted, however she wanted to phrase it, and her arguing that it wasn't her way and I was not listening. I finally got up to get something to eat, and she went the roundabout way to the basement while I was gone, so I decided she was done arguing with me. SORRY, I mean apparently I was done arguing with her. Then I check my email. As I've mentioned before, Ginger's Moron family has stolen the child from us and tried hard to poison child against us. Child has been turned in for smoking Mary J, and was tested, results positive. So the school is going to do random testing and place restrictions on child. All reasonable restrictions and they are a good tool to send the message, so done deal.
NOPE!!
Family will also throw down restrictions and (Oh and this is rich) Do further random testing. Now know two things. Child was a straight A, straight as an arrow, golden child while living with us. Never lied, never stole. Since being with them, the grades are barely passing, medically diagnosed depression, flirtation with gang activity, cutting behavior, and now this. The only reason we haven't returned to court is because Family would make it a fight, and two local psychologists have agreed with the psychologist in their state that it would likely do more damage to subject child to the court battle needed to win custody than leave things alone. The second thing you need to know is that the family has a history of failing to follow through, so child knows as well as I that this is all bullshit, and no consequence will last for more than a few weeks. If we were not poly there would be no question of these idiots keeping custody, but as it is the courts have indicated a clear preference for their home being the child's home. These are people who just decreed 12 hours of yardwork a week for child to reimburse the time they had to spend with the school and will be spending focused on child because of their own damned restrictions. Who demands the child make up for parenting time? Asses, Asses, ASSES!!!
Well it started out well enough. It was actually going extremely well. Mary Ann is visiting family today, so I dropped her off on the way to work. I had some chores which I ran and then was back in town in time for lunch with Ginger. It was a nice time, and afterwards I asked if she could sneak off for the rest of the day. She asked her boss, who agreed to let her go immediately after the Friday meeting, which he accurately predicted would take 10 minutes. Woo Hoo!! But after the meeting Ginger decides she needs to clean up her workspace (She really did, and I ride her about it pretty regularly) so we spend an hour organizing. Then we come home, but realize we need to get my phone repaired. Amazingly the new Iphone release caused no real business at the phone store, so we trotted over there and had the repair made, then she batted her eyelashes at me and convinced me to buy her a latte'. We finally make it home and I complete one of the two thousand items still on my to-do list for the house. We sit down in the living room and the conversation turns to the relationship. That, and I should have seen this coming, becomes an argument. Some of it was useful, because as a general rule Ginger has to be pushed to anger before she'll admit to any problem. But a lot of it was just silly, and in the end she was argung that I borrow money and don't pay it back, and I'm pointing out that 1) I don't ask to borrow money, I tell her I need it and if she needs it back to pay a bill before pay day just let me know. She never asks so I never give it to her. 2) There have been several times when she needed money, and I didn't base my decision about "Lending" it to her on whether or not it was borrowed. If she needs money I find it, because that's the relationship. I also never ask for it back 3) This isn't a business arrangement. When I ask her if I can "Borrow" some money it's like when my buddies ask if they can "Borrow" a piece of gum. I don't expect it back and they know they aren't going to return it. Finally, #4, she and I live together and share the household expenses. Granted, I pay the whole cell phone bill and buy the groceries, and she pays the power bill in full, but we can't "Borrow" money from each other because it's not her money and my money, it's OUR money. However, since I understand now the way she thinks we can do it her way. Then she get's mad because it's not HER way, and that's not what she said. This was a back and forth, with me basically shrugging and saying we can do it the way she wanted, however she wanted to phrase it, and her arguing that it wasn't her way and I was not listening. I finally got up to get something to eat, and she went the roundabout way to the basement while I was gone, so I decided she was done arguing with me. SORRY, I mean apparently I was done arguing with her. Then I check my email. As I've mentioned before, Ginger's Moron family has stolen the child from us and tried hard to poison child against us. Child has been turned in for smoking Mary J, and was tested, results positive. So the school is going to do random testing and place restrictions on child. All reasonable restrictions and they are a good tool to send the message, so done deal.
NOPE!!
Family will also throw down restrictions and (Oh and this is rich) Do further random testing. Now know two things. Child was a straight A, straight as an arrow, golden child while living with us. Never lied, never stole. Since being with them, the grades are barely passing, medically diagnosed depression, flirtation with gang activity, cutting behavior, and now this. The only reason we haven't returned to court is because Family would make it a fight, and two local psychologists have agreed with the psychologist in their state that it would likely do more damage to subject child to the court battle needed to win custody than leave things alone. The second thing you need to know is that the family has a history of failing to follow through, so child knows as well as I that this is all bullshit, and no consequence will last for more than a few weeks. If we were not poly there would be no question of these idiots keeping custody, but as it is the courts have indicated a clear preference for their home being the child's home. These are people who just decreed 12 hours of yardwork a week for child to reimburse the time they had to spend with the school and will be spending focused on child because of their own damned restrictions. Who demands the child make up for parenting time? Asses, Asses, ASSES!!!
Saturday, October 1, 2011
Exhausted, mind wandering
I sat down to eat last night and just never got up. That's not really a problem but it doesn't get anything done. The house is coming along finally, now that I have the time to focus on it. We've had so much stuff just stacked up for so long it's been like living in a warehouse, but 14 hour days aren't conducive to organizing a house after work. When I first got laid off I started just walking into the house, grabbing whatever was at hand, and putting it wherever it went. These pictures hang here, oh, and to do that I'll have to move this box of (Opening box) .....OH! those shelves I have to display my model trains, which are (Looking around)....oh yes, over there, behind my antique display cabinet, which goes over on this side of the room (Drag it into place)... You get the picture. Just keep putting things where the mental image of the finished product dictates and eventually everything will be in it's place. Hang the swag lamps. Clean the pumps and guides on the rain lamp and get it hung. Brace the bookshelves and then put them in place. Cull the least wanted books as you unpack the dozens of boxes (Hey, we like books) and place them on the shelves. Place the display cabinets then unpack the chachkis... Blah blah. There is finally getting to be some reason in the chaos.
Ginger decided she doesn't really want her nightstand lamp any longer. I've mentioned before I'm a near hopeless pack rat. It so happens I found a set of dual swag crystal lamps about 5 years ago, which I brought home and immediately packed in a box in bubble wrap. Looks like I finally have a use for them. I think I'll need to rewire them to hang differently, but they will be perfect for Ginger's room. I also have another lamp I put in storage when I finished my first round of tech school in 1987. It's been moved from attic to garage to shed to attic ever since (Hey, it's a cool lamp). It was hanging over this 1960s over-sized arm chair in my living room back then. We got it at a garage sale to put in my very first apartment. That chair looked like something that would be on Buck Rogers ship for the pilot to sit in, I loved that thing! I'm going for a sort of retro feel in the downstairs seating area, and my mother asked if I wanted that chair again.
Me: "Heck yeah! If I could find one."
Her: "Oh, I still have yours"
Me: You still have the Buck Rogers rocket chair?!
Her: "Yeah, out in my storage shed."
Me: "You have my Buck Rogers rocket chair in your storage shed right now."
Her: "Yes"
Me: "Where was it before?"
Her: "In the hunters suite at the motel."
Me: "And you brought it back when you sold the motel?"
Her: "Yeah. I always liked it."
Now at this point it will help you to know a couple of things. First, until the last few years my mother and I weren't very close. I didn't visit her much at all. So it isn't all that odd that I never saw the chair. Second, my apartment where the chair first lived with me was 2 states from where I grew up. When I moved off to go to school we bought the chair after we got there. When I left school we packed stuff up and I came back home where the chair turned out not able to be used. I unenthusiastically put it with some other stuff for my mother to cull through, take anything she wanted, and then donate the remainder to goodwill who was to come pick it up. I went off to work that day and to the best of my recollection never saw or heard about the chair again. A little later I moved in with Mary Ann, then we married. A few years after that my mother and her partner bought a motel in yet another state and ran it for 17 years. When he passed away she sold it and came back here to be close to her family. To get back into my house that chair was moved 6 times through 4 states. I did of course, take it back and put it downstairs.
I've also culled out boxes and boxes of pretties, knick-knacks, kitchen gadgets, artwork, clothing, tools, and cleaning supplies used for my business. I've organized what I wanted to keep and sent the rest off to goodwill or the like, and as of right now if you walked in this house.........You would never know. I still have shelves and shelves of stuff to organize and put away. I still have tools in just a massive pile that needs to make it into my tool box. I still have massive amounts of chemicals and cleaning products bought back when the amount of clients I had justified buying things on case lots and the amount of room I had justified storing that much at once. Things are different now. LOL
Oh well, just keep going, right? Mary Ann is back home finally, but the trip must have really worn her out because she went to bed last night and slept most of today! I'm glad she's home and I'm sure in a day or two she'l be back in the routine. Ginger came home from work and was reading something called Miss Minimalist, which struck me a touch ironic after I spent literally all day packing things away and putting them in the attic, or in the newest "Donate" pile (Or for that matter, I filled three of our 45 gallon trash containers just today! One handy thing, I still have 8 of those trash cans. At least that pile of stuff is always contained!) Maybe if Ginger keeps reading that book, we'll be making another run to Goodwill or the Salvation Army soon.
In any event, things will be back to normal soon I hope. Or at least as normal as it gets until everything is finally sorted, organized and put away. Until then, I just "Keep on truckin'". (Can you tell I was writing this in the retro-room?)
Ginger decided she doesn't really want her nightstand lamp any longer. I've mentioned before I'm a near hopeless pack rat. It so happens I found a set of dual swag crystal lamps about 5 years ago, which I brought home and immediately packed in a box in bubble wrap. Looks like I finally have a use for them. I think I'll need to rewire them to hang differently, but they will be perfect for Ginger's room. I also have another lamp I put in storage when I finished my first round of tech school in 1987. It's been moved from attic to garage to shed to attic ever since (Hey, it's a cool lamp). It was hanging over this 1960s over-sized arm chair in my living room back then. We got it at a garage sale to put in my very first apartment. That chair looked like something that would be on Buck Rogers ship for the pilot to sit in, I loved that thing! I'm going for a sort of retro feel in the downstairs seating area, and my mother asked if I wanted that chair again.
Me: "Heck yeah! If I could find one."
Her: "Oh, I still have yours"
Me: You still have the Buck Rogers rocket chair?!
Her: "Yeah, out in my storage shed."
Me: "You have my Buck Rogers rocket chair in your storage shed right now."
Her: "Yes"
Me: "Where was it before?"
Her: "In the hunters suite at the motel."
Me: "And you brought it back when you sold the motel?"
Her: "Yeah. I always liked it."
Now at this point it will help you to know a couple of things. First, until the last few years my mother and I weren't very close. I didn't visit her much at all. So it isn't all that odd that I never saw the chair. Second, my apartment where the chair first lived with me was 2 states from where I grew up. When I moved off to go to school we bought the chair after we got there. When I left school we packed stuff up and I came back home where the chair turned out not able to be used. I unenthusiastically put it with some other stuff for my mother to cull through, take anything she wanted, and then donate the remainder to goodwill who was to come pick it up. I went off to work that day and to the best of my recollection never saw or heard about the chair again. A little later I moved in with Mary Ann, then we married. A few years after that my mother and her partner bought a motel in yet another state and ran it for 17 years. When he passed away she sold it and came back here to be close to her family. To get back into my house that chair was moved 6 times through 4 states. I did of course, take it back and put it downstairs.
I've also culled out boxes and boxes of pretties, knick-knacks, kitchen gadgets, artwork, clothing, tools, and cleaning supplies used for my business. I've organized what I wanted to keep and sent the rest off to goodwill or the like, and as of right now if you walked in this house.........You would never know. I still have shelves and shelves of stuff to organize and put away. I still have tools in just a massive pile that needs to make it into my tool box. I still have massive amounts of chemicals and cleaning products bought back when the amount of clients I had justified buying things on case lots and the amount of room I had justified storing that much at once. Things are different now. LOL
Oh well, just keep going, right? Mary Ann is back home finally, but the trip must have really worn her out because she went to bed last night and slept most of today! I'm glad she's home and I'm sure in a day or two she'l be back in the routine. Ginger came home from work and was reading something called Miss Minimalist, which struck me a touch ironic after I spent literally all day packing things away and putting them in the attic, or in the newest "Donate" pile (Or for that matter, I filled three of our 45 gallon trash containers just today! One handy thing, I still have 8 of those trash cans. At least that pile of stuff is always contained!) Maybe if Ginger keeps reading that book, we'll be making another run to Goodwill or the Salvation Army soon.
In any event, things will be back to normal soon I hope. Or at least as normal as it gets until everything is finally sorted, organized and put away. Until then, I just "Keep on truckin'". (Can you tell I was writing this in the retro-room?)
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