It's been a dark place in my head lately, and I've been trying to drive away the negative thoughts by focusing on what I have instead of what we've had taken from us. But it occurred to me that I should be grateful also for what I have had, because it's more than many ever get. Something that popped into my head along these lines was a t-shirt I saw a while back that featured two smokin' women and a beefcake guy all entangled with one another while shooting the camera sultry looks. Above the pic it said "POLYAMORY" and below it read "It doesn't always look like this". It was underscoring the point that most poly people are just average folks. After all not every married couple looks like Brad and Angelina either!
But it occurs to me that I DID have that experience. Shortly after we met, Ginger started modeling. Just for fun Mary Ann would sometimes drive her to the shoots. Every time Mary Ann would be offered work as model as well. These were two very hot and sexy women (And still are)! And yet they are both smart, capable, dedicated, loyal, and yes, obedient.
I also think of all the people we know that are not still together. Kinky OR vanilla, the relationship attrition rate is nasty! And yet we have faced much more difficult circumstances than any of them have, and we are still together. I realize most people will never have what I have had, and I realize that I need to stop whining and appreciate that. I know there will still be days when depression attacks, but it's one more tool to use to fight back.
Things on the home front are holding steady. I can't start the courses for the degree I want until January, so that sucks. I may take welding in the meantime, which has nothing at all to do with the degree I want, but would be a handy skill to have. We seem to be making it on the seriously downsized income so far (Keeping fingers crossed). Ginger has been getting frustrated by a project at work, but I snuck in to help her make up some time and we figured out some of the issues together. She tested the latest piece she built today and it's working now. She also volunteers with the homeless through a local community program, and the program volunteers seem to have accepted us since we were invited to dinner at the bosses house. They want our help with their next project and they have hinted they'd like me to drive one of their trucks sometimes. Ginger and I both miss Mary Ann but she is coming home next week.
In fact she left to come home today, but will spend a couple days with her parents to see her niece before getting here. Big change with her to report. As I mentioned earlier Ginger is ex military and she inherited guns a few years ago. She keeps them in a gun safe in the house, and for a long time belonged to a gun club where she could go shoot. Mary Ann has always feared guns though, and when we married I sold all mine but one pellet gun, and that I store in My father-in-laws gun case at his home. Mary Ann does have a bold and daring side. For instance she was scared of my motorcycles when we met, but she learned to ride her own motorcycle after we married and I even got her one of her own. She has on occasion been known to down Hot Damn liquor faster than I drink my rum. And of course living our lifestyle is not for the faint-hearted! She's been staying with a cousin these last weeks, and her cousin's redneck hunter of a husband had been talking to her about how guns, like motorcycles, are just machines. Dangerous and deserving of respect yes, but not to be feared. But I was not prepared for her to call me a couple of days ago and tell me she had agreed to go skeet shooting, much less that she had hit her first target and moved up to a BIGGER RIFLE!! I'm already looking for a gun club and have told Ginger to find out what it takes to legally carry the guns. I want to encourage this. And once again my ladies defy the stereotypes the vanillas put on submissive women. I may be the scary one at 6'4" and 300 pounds, but it turns out I'm the meekest and least dangerous one in the house! Once more I point out that if you piss off my Ladies what I do to you will be the least of your problems!
In honor of this achievement I am including the video for what has long been a favorite song of mine. Who knew it would turn out to be so apropos?
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Tired
I feel tired. Not sleepy, but weary. Worn out. I've felt this way for a while. I'm just not at all motivated to get back up and get back in the fray of life. I'm constantly giving myself pep talks. I like quotes, and I know several, and lately I have to say them to myself just to keep going. You know, Things like;
Good things may come to those who wait, but only things left by those that hustle.
Losers quit when they're tired, winners quit when their done.
Things like that. But it worries me. I used to find some pleasure in the fight. I don't seem to any more. I don't know why. And I don't know what to do about it. So I think of these men I aspire to emulate, and I recall their words. Men like Churchill, who once said "Continuous effort - not strength or intelligence - is the key to unlocking our potential." So I get up and go again. But I can't seem to remember why anymore. This is not who I used to be. I hope I find my potential again soon.
Good things may come to those who wait, but only things left by those that hustle.
Losers quit when they're tired, winners quit when their done.
Things like that. But it worries me. I used to find some pleasure in the fight. I don't seem to any more. I don't know why. And I don't know what to do about it. So I think of these men I aspire to emulate, and I recall their words. Men like Churchill, who once said "Continuous effort - not strength or intelligence - is the key to unlocking our potential." So I get up and go again. But I can't seem to remember why anymore. This is not who I used to be. I hope I find my potential again soon.
Saturday, September 17, 2011
Oh Gawd!
So this seems to often come as a surprise to folks, but I'm a strong believer in Christ. No, I'm not going to preach. But the topic this evening is about the Triquetra. Also known as the trinity knot, if you google a picture you'll probably recognize it. It's used a lot as a symbol of polyamory and a while back I even considered using it as part of a tattoo I wanted. Since I take tattoos seriously and feel they should not be indulged in lightly I investigated the meaning of the symbol. Symbol of the Christian Trinity (Father, Son, Holy Ghost), symbol of the Pagans (Maiden, Mother, Crone). Apparently the Wiccans even use it, symbolizing Mind, Body, Spirit by it's use. There's no consensus on whether it was used first by the Christians or the Celts, but I figured if it was commandeered for Christ millenia ago, I'm probably O.K. to use it. Then I read an opinion that it's a stylized 666 symbol.
That sound you hear is my screeching halt.
So no really big deal, I just re-worked the tattoo design, and with my layoff it's not financially feasible to get inked anyway so plenty of time to refine the design. Then as I was unpacking I came acrossed a stained glass triquetra. It's beautiful, and up until that 666 thing I loved the design even before I knew it's meaning. No one seems to know where it came from, but that isn't as mysterious as it might sound. I'm a pack rat at the genetic level, and it wouldn't be at all unusual for me to buy something that I liked and stick it in a box the same day "Until I had a place for it" only to forget all about it by the end of the week. I once found a Christmas gift in my attic that was two years overdue, and I clearly remembered that I had rushed out on Christmas eve that year to get something for that person because they are hard to buy for and I had completely forgotten that I'd found the perfect gift and snapped it up last August. I might easily have bought this thing and just don't remember it. In any event, I like it. I have been investigating more, and I can't find much that indicates any serious likelihood that the symbol originated as a Satanic symbol. It may well end up in a window here. After all, it hasn't glowed at night or set the house on fire for the last however many years it's been kicking around. Still, I'm not risking it as a tattoo though. I'll go with something completely original so I know what the meaning is!
That sound you hear is my screeching halt.
So no really big deal, I just re-worked the tattoo design, and with my layoff it's not financially feasible to get inked anyway so plenty of time to refine the design. Then as I was unpacking I came acrossed a stained glass triquetra. It's beautiful, and up until that 666 thing I loved the design even before I knew it's meaning. No one seems to know where it came from, but that isn't as mysterious as it might sound. I'm a pack rat at the genetic level, and it wouldn't be at all unusual for me to buy something that I liked and stick it in a box the same day "Until I had a place for it" only to forget all about it by the end of the week. I once found a Christmas gift in my attic that was two years overdue, and I clearly remembered that I had rushed out on Christmas eve that year to get something for that person because they are hard to buy for and I had completely forgotten that I'd found the perfect gift and snapped it up last August. I might easily have bought this thing and just don't remember it. In any event, I like it. I have been investigating more, and I can't find much that indicates any serious likelihood that the symbol originated as a Satanic symbol. It may well end up in a window here. After all, it hasn't glowed at night or set the house on fire for the last however many years it's been kicking around. Still, I'm not risking it as a tattoo though. I'll go with something completely original so I know what the meaning is!
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Well, it's been busy the last couple of weeks. The buyer of the property I managed had made a number of demands for work to be done prior to the sale. My boss made the seller aware of it, and let him know I was attempting to meet the demands but that it was unlikely they could be met on the timeline I was given (they were unreasonable and there were a lot of them). Eventually the buyer was told he was purchasing the property "As is" according to the contract, and I would get done what I could, and he could take it or leave it. He was also told to stop contacting me outside of the normal 9 to 5 hours. I was appreciative, I was sick of getting requests at 10 p.m. I wanted to leave on a high note, so I set my own standard of getting as much done as possible. I had only been sleeping 4 or 5 hours a night anyway, but I worked 30 straight hours the final two days. The deal was sealed about 1:30 in the afternoon, and I was officially laid off. I came home and got some work done on applying for unemployment, then decided to lay down and take a nap. Instead I slept until my alarm went off the next morning! Since then I've applied for unemployment, registered for school, and started my job search. For the moment I can be picky, but soon enough I'm going to need to find something with medical benefits. I had thought to return to working for myself. But I was told last week by an insurance broker that because of Mary Ann's medical issues no company would offer her private insurance at any price. I was advised to accept Cobra, and once that is exhausted there are government programs that can be applied to. Yeah, $750 a month just for Mary Ann. If I could afford that, I wouldn't bother to get another job!
In the meantime I'm trying to get the house we moved into a bit better organized. Things have been sitting in boxes for over 6 months, but because of my workday I wasn't getting to it, and because it's specifically my stuff that needs to be sorted and downsized, I couldn't really assign it to the Ladies. So at least now I'll have the time for that.
Mary Ann has traveled out of state with her parents to see an aunt she is very close to. The Aunt had to have open heart surgery. She's still weak and has a host of medical issues (She's 80 years old, so no surprise, but it doesn't make her recovery easier!) but she came through the surgery better than anyone could have hoped. She has chosen to move into assisted care though, so Mary Ann will be taking advantage of her unemployed status to stay a while and help with that. She's likely to be gone another month, which absolutely sucks since I may well be back to work when she returns, but with the house being empty during the day I do tend to get stuff done a lot more efficiently. No sweet distractions! Now that I'm sleeping more than 4 hours a night though, my strength is returning and Ginger is walking, well, let's say gingerly. lol.
I'm trying to stay focused on what we have as opposed to what we don't have. I admit though, this is a place I haven't been in for awhile and would rather not have returned to. Although actually it's a little like a new place, or at least has a new factor. I grew up really poor. I worked my ass off to climb out, and I accomplished that. Don't misunderstand me, we were never rich by any means. But not so long ago we could afford extras pretty easily. We ate out once or twice a month, went to the movies almost as often, and pretty regularly attended events of one type or another out of town. After the assault we were forced to repel we were left with some serious debt, and of course my business all but shut down and Mary Ann's illness, not to mention all the legal costs we had to borrow to pay. Two lawyers fighting two battles in two states gets pricey to say the least! With my lay-off we're lucky to rent a movie, much less see one in the theatre. Mary Ann can't even drive any longer, much less ride a motorcycle, a result of the stress she was subjected to. And Ginger is a lot less bright and bubbly, and a lot more cynical than before. I hate to see those changes. I don't know if any of us will ever be as happy as we were once. But, despite all of this, we have remained loyal and dedicated to one another. There was an obvious and deliberate attempt to break us apart by both the state and by Ginger's disapproving family over the last few years, and they each failed utterly. While there have absolutely been extreme negative consequences to us by their efforts, there was little more than a hiccup caused by any of it in terms of the strength of our relationship. That at least, I can be grateful for.
In the meantime I'm trying to get the house we moved into a bit better organized. Things have been sitting in boxes for over 6 months, but because of my workday I wasn't getting to it, and because it's specifically my stuff that needs to be sorted and downsized, I couldn't really assign it to the Ladies. So at least now I'll have the time for that.
Mary Ann has traveled out of state with her parents to see an aunt she is very close to. The Aunt had to have open heart surgery. She's still weak and has a host of medical issues (She's 80 years old, so no surprise, but it doesn't make her recovery easier!) but she came through the surgery better than anyone could have hoped. She has chosen to move into assisted care though, so Mary Ann will be taking advantage of her unemployed status to stay a while and help with that. She's likely to be gone another month, which absolutely sucks since I may well be back to work when she returns, but with the house being empty during the day I do tend to get stuff done a lot more efficiently. No sweet distractions! Now that I'm sleeping more than 4 hours a night though, my strength is returning and Ginger is walking, well, let's say gingerly. lol.
I'm trying to stay focused on what we have as opposed to what we don't have. I admit though, this is a place I haven't been in for awhile and would rather not have returned to. Although actually it's a little like a new place, or at least has a new factor. I grew up really poor. I worked my ass off to climb out, and I accomplished that. Don't misunderstand me, we were never rich by any means. But not so long ago we could afford extras pretty easily. We ate out once or twice a month, went to the movies almost as often, and pretty regularly attended events of one type or another out of town. After the assault we were forced to repel we were left with some serious debt, and of course my business all but shut down and Mary Ann's illness, not to mention all the legal costs we had to borrow to pay. Two lawyers fighting two battles in two states gets pricey to say the least! With my lay-off we're lucky to rent a movie, much less see one in the theatre. Mary Ann can't even drive any longer, much less ride a motorcycle, a result of the stress she was subjected to. And Ginger is a lot less bright and bubbly, and a lot more cynical than before. I hate to see those changes. I don't know if any of us will ever be as happy as we were once. But, despite all of this, we have remained loyal and dedicated to one another. There was an obvious and deliberate attempt to break us apart by both the state and by Ginger's disapproving family over the last few years, and they each failed utterly. While there have absolutely been extreme negative consequences to us by their efforts, there was little more than a hiccup caused by any of it in terms of the strength of our relationship. That at least, I can be grateful for.
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