If only things could be black and white

During the assault one of the things the authorities did was to hammer on this idea of a "BDSM lifestyle".  They did the usual stuff, it's sick, the women are just afraid they don't really want to live that way, blah blah.  At one point I was asked what it meant that I said we had a BDSM lifestyle, and I actually answered by describing the ideas about commitment and dedication we share.  But here's the thing, I DON'T say we have a BDSM lifestyle.  As far as I can recall, I've never said that.  The closest I can remember ever coming to that statement was to say that the lifestyle is not the play to people that seemed to wonder why the women weren't constantly prancing around on a leash wearing only a thong while displaying their pretty cane-striped asses.  The prosecutors are who said we had a BDSM lifestyle.  I should have asked them what they thought it meant. 
In any event, for quite some time I've had a real issue with terminology.  I avoid calling the Ladies submissive, I don't describe myself as dominant, and so on. I thought this discomfort was a residual effect of the assault, since we were very obviously targeted and punished more for our lifestyle as things went on than for anything else.  At one point my attorney pointed out that the prosecutors case was rapidly falling apart and suggested that it simply be dismissed.  The prosecutor responded "Either way, your client is a pretty fucked up guy, and we'll be going forward".  Fucked up guy is an exact quote.  In a blatant irony, immediately after I was arrested the lead detective informed Ginger that he'd been watching us and that I was much more affectionate to her than most husbands to their wives that he'd known.  Further irony is that while friends reflect that feeling, a stranger has never walked up to comment on how close Ginger and I obviously are, and that happens to Mary Ann and I fairly often. People we've never met will approach us just to say how sweet we are together.  It's nice, but a little weird!   Oh, and is it any surprise that detective is divorced now?  But I digress.  I thought this was a residual from our experiences, and I still do think that's part of it.  But I've also come to think it may be more. 

I've been thinking lately that my real problem is that we hang out with BDSM people, we enjoy some aspects of BDSM "Play", and we are generally perceived to be BDSM lifestylers by others in "The scene", but we aren't really.  The Ladies dress pretty much as they will.  Time was I bought most of their clothes but only because I liked getting them gifts.  They've never been forbidden to buy their own things and of late my mother, who loves to score a bargain and has lately bonded even more closely than ever to her two "Daughters in law"  has absolutely stuffed their closets with jeans and tops and shoes and belts and just general stuff. They keep what they want and send the rest to goodwill or other friends or whatever, and I may or may not be consulted.  And I'm fine with that.  Each of the Ladies has at some point mentioned that they might like to have a rule that I must be called "Sir" like so many of our one time friends had, but to be blunt I don't care for that.  Oh a friends woman or a stray self-identifying "Submissive" calling me sir is nice.  It denotes a respect that I understand and appreciate being given.  But it seems at the same time to be a bit cold.  To maintain an emotional distance that I don't want between my Ladies and I.  They call me by my name most of the time, though after the first couple of years together I found out that "Behind my back" as it were, they will occasionally call me Superman.  They do this in the same way they lately tease me about "Mere mortals sleep EVERY night, not just every third night" since I have been pulling an all nighter about once or twice a week lately as well as shifting from third shift to first and then back every weekend.  It's good natured and affectionate and not at all the strictly respectful and serious tone used by every "Slave and master" we've known.  We are way to freewheeling and affectionate and interactive for that.  We joke with each other and occasionally they are actually sarcastic with me.  Ginger, for example, has told a couple of people who ask if I am jealous or not that we have no problem in that regard for the simple reason that I am much to arrogant to believe she would ever leave me for another man.  She says it with a laugh, and I find it funny, but our "Lifestyle" friends seemed appalled that she would call me arrogant.  We just don't fit the dom-sub definition.  Or do we......

We very very rarely fight.  In fact we fight much less than most other "Lifestyle" couples we've known.  When we do have some argument, it's almost always over something that we all understand from the first isn't going to end up as a relationship deal breaker.  We argue over which style of rocker to put on the front porch for example.  And once a decision is made, whoever "Lost" just drops it, because really who cares?  We have a routine that I pay attention to in order to be certain the ship runs smoothly.  That routine was created cooperatively as opposed to being assigned at my whim, but I do insist it be followed as closely as possible.  There's no defiance about it when it comes up.  I just ask if they need help or when a thing is expected to be done and they get on it.  Just a gentle reminder is all that's needed.  Both of them are pretty blase' about most decisions.  If I ask if they want to go out I usually get "If you want to".  I've learned not to bother to ask where they want to go.  They don't really care if we go for Mexican or Italian and when asked I usually hear "Whatever you want".  It was the same way with the last car we bought. 

Me: "Car or truck do you suppose"?

Ladies:  "Whichever, you'll drive it most of the time".

Mary Ann did express a hope for four wheel drive, that was it.  (Of course she got it!  How can you spoil a girl without giving her the stuff she asks for, especially when she never asks for anything?)  So if they are not expected to do what they are told, I do have to admit that they generally will do what they are asked, when they are asked, how they are asked, because they are asked.  In fact at get-togethers they are often the most obedient "submissives" in the room, which is a bit odd because they are almost always the ones with the fewest restrictions and the most freedoms. 

I still have no answer to the questions about our "BDSM lifestyle", other than to defer to a version of the standard of the BDSM Community.  It's generally accepted that if the people in question define a thing as dom or sub or D/s, then others are to respect that.  Conversely, I suppose if someone considers us BDSM lifestyle I'm O.K. with it.  Still, that doesn't help with what terminology I want to use to describe us.  I guess for now we'll just flounder on undefined. 

I did run acrossed a song that makes me think of us though.  It's an oldie I had forgotten that popped into my mind a few days back.  I had had an awful day, and when I came home both Ladies were very kind and attentive and for whatever reason this song came strongly to my mind.  Follow the link if you're interested. You may have to cut and paste it, I'm not sure it is properly added. 


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ziKyqlcbYRY

O.K. Week

It's been an O.K. week.  I passed another training station at work and have been assigned to the next one.  The day I started we got a new foreman, which happily enough turned out to be a guy I already am aquainted with and get along with well.  Ginger had foot surgery and Mary Ann has been taken off some of her drugs in order to gauge if she still needs the same intensity.  I'm not thrilled at each of them having issues at the same time, but my mother and mother-in-law have been staying back and forth, so there's always someone here with them.  I'm told that last night my mother and my girlfriend sat up half the night giggling like schoolgirls at a slumber party, which is pretty damned cool considering the alternative nature of our relationship.  The biggest down to the week has been that we lease the house we are living in, and we were notified by the landlord that the property owner has complained about "debris" in our driveway.  I would really prefer to just get along with the owner, but I was forced to point out to the landlord that the "Debris", based on the location given, consists of my legally licensed flatbed trailer, which the city assueres me is neither a zoning nor ordinance violation parked where and how it is. Also, as I have done some leasing and am familiar with the law, I pointed out that the fact that I lease the house doesn't mean the owner is my mommy now.  If they don't like the trailer, that's just too bad as a matter of law.  As it happens, I'm not planning on keeping the trailer anyway, so hopefully it will all amount to nothing.  I'm just miffed at the principle of the thing.  Why does it seem there's always someone eager to piss in my cornflakes for no good reason at all?  We've been here over a year and never gotten a complaint from a neighbor or paid the rent late.  This house is underwater on the mortgage, failed to sell when listed, and sat empty three months or better when offered for lease before we took it.  The grass is mowed weekly, the gutters cleaned out as needed, and I'm repairing the back porcha at my own expense because I can do most of it myself.  Wouldn't you think we could just be left in peace?  UGH!

Wait, where did this extra minute come from?

For the first time in a long time I have everything done today I needed to get done and nothing is getting put off.  Actually, I should be getting ready for bed, but I'm not yet really tired.  Since I haven't posted in quite some time I thought I'd take the opportunity.

Work is settling down a bit more.  I was getting a new assignment every few days, now I am getting left in place for weeks at a time.  I'm still being moved around for training purposes, but I don't feel so totally lost any longer.  Mary Ann has been out of state visiting family and though back in the state now she will still be out of town for the rest of this week.

Beings as we were on our own, I took the chance to take Ginger to a classical music concert.  She likes that kind of thing and I confess I enjoyed it as well.  I did make the mistake of leaving it to her to plan though, and things didn't go particularly well at first.  She knew only in a general sense where the theater was located, she didn't know where to park once we got there, expecting to just drive around until she found somewhere, and she had missed the fact that the food and beverage sales were cash only.  Not knowing this I didn't bring any cash, so we had to go without.  I realize it's actually my responsibility to have a plan, but I've always required my partners to maintain their capabilities just in case something happens.  Like lightening falls from the sky and catches me in the forehead, or former friends of the family go on a lying spree to (So called) law enforcement and the prosecutor forges ahead at all costs because he disapproves of our lifestyle choice.  You know, like that.  Well, I love Ginger, but it's come to my attention that she is going to need some remedial training.  Like I don't have enough to do.  lol

I've managed to clean up the leaves of last fall.  For some reason I had bags and bags of what looks like Oak leaves in my yard, despite the fact that I can't even see a tree with leaves like that from anywhere on my property.  I've also worked out a mowing schedule I think I can maintain even with the hours I work.  We've tried contracting it, but we have had no luck finding a reliable service provider, so I guess it's up to me.

We haven't played much past hand spanking on occasion.  I think we all have that bit of dread resulting from the assault.  Or more specifically, the statement made by the prosecutor that despite the fact that the case was falling apart that office was going to go forward no matter what due to the lifestyle.  The lifestyle was the thing they beat on us with.  At least for myself, every time we start scene-play I can't help being aware that I might have to defend this in court to a jury.  It's a distracting reaction to have to deal with.  Still, that's what I have to deal with, so I forge ahead in the hope that time really does heal all wounds.  Or at least scars them over well enough that some semblance of confidence in my constitutional rights to privacy and freedom of choice are restored and I can lose myself in a scene again.  At this point I think we are all content to take things slowly and just be content with things as they are and as they improve slowly but steadily.

And I've decided not to read blogs for a while nor ask my friends about their relationships, because so many folks seem to be having trouble in that area and the solutions seem so screamingly obvious to me.  And yet if I offer an opinion, I know I'll be told that "There's no right way" blah blah (Maybe not, but it seems pretty clear what you are currently doing is one of the WRONG ways, now doesn't it?  Because you've been crying to me about the exact same issues for weeks, or months)  and there will be hard feelings.  I get so frustrated because I want to dope-slap someone and just say LOOK, all you have to do is THIS and everything will be golden.  One skill I've learned over the years is to just accept when I can't change something without the cost being way too high, and these situations are in that category.  If I'm not aware I'm not antagonized, so I am working on not being aware.

There is just one thing I want to get off my chest.   I really do have trouble with this idea-de-jour that poorly treated subs are the helpless victims of their previous or current dominants.  I can see how some may say they are victims, but helpless they are not.  Invariably they chose the partner that didn't work out.  They can leave, even if it's hard.  There is help available and options that can be exercised.

I get so irritated at the lifestyle people that buy into this nonsense, because they are making their own lives harder.  As a dominant, or master, or even an HOH, how do you NOT get that accepting the "Helpless victim" theory insults and damages your own rights and lifestyle?  I wish these men could see that every negative term and word spoken about "That other asshole" would just as quickly be applied to themselves if the speaker only knew.  In the minds of the helpful social workers we are all abusive or mentally ill, depending on which side of things you live.  And that social worker will attack you just as fast and furiously as the other guy.  These subs made a choice.  If they were poorly educated or ignorant at the time, that isn't the fault of BDSM. And to be blunt, it is their responsibility alone to do their due diligence before giving their body to someone else to use.  BDSM is not about victimizing or taking advantage.  It's about acknowledging, accepting, and meeting certain desires responsibly.  Consent is the cornerstone, self protection is the mantra, and the information is more readily available to those interested than at any other time in history.  To those that have been taken in by this feel good theory that badly treated subs must be "Victims", I ask you to please stop undermining the progress made over these last years towards being able to openly live the lifestyle.  And to those subs that came to be convinced that they were the helpless victims of some evil mastermind that preyed upon their innocence, know that you were not helpless.  Not then and not now.  Don't allow yourselves to be told that you don't understand what happened or that you are in denial when you know better.  And don't settle for less than you want in the relationship because someone tells you that wanting (X) type behavior is a red flag.  Investigate it for yourself, find the facts, and make your own decisions.  Just because you are submissive doesn't mean you're a doormat that believes whatever you are told.  Right?

O.K.  I've probably changed exactly 0 minds with that diatribe, but at least I feel better for having shouted it into the wind.  Be well all.

Bad news and good

So I spent two grand on car repairs about a month ago, only to have the same problem return.  Turns out there's another part that needs replaced and it's going to cost me another $800.  The car is sitting at the shop waiting it's turn.  I have the cash in the bank, though it will leave us all but broke again.  Meantime I'm driving our truck a little over 100 miles a day for work, which with the cost of gas is killing me, but it's only temporary.

We also had a meeting with a judge and our disability advocate concerning Mary Ann's condition.  The judge didn't approve disability but he didn't outright deny it either as has been the case before.  He requested more medical reports, which I have already requested from the doctors, so hopefully he will get them soon.  It's progress at least.


We've not been playing due to the stress of life, the Ladies each being sick one after the other, and my work schedule among other things.  I'm about to start the 4th of the 6 blocks of training I have to successfully complete to be made permanent on the job, and I am getting better at sleeping during the day for my third shift schedule.  Spring is here at least and the weather has been nice.  Hopefully things will calm down and we can move in the direction of a joyful and content life again in place of all this chaos we've endured.  At least things right now are headed in the right direction. 

So we had another appointment with a cardiologist for Mary Ann.  We were hoping to find someone that would continue the treatment her previous doctor was giving her (The previous fellow moved away).  Instead we were told that the medicines she takes are bad for long term use and there is no other alternative, Mary Ann will have to learn to live with it.  To be blunt, learning to live with it due to lack of medication could easily mean Mary Ann ends up in a wheelchair as opposed to walking freely with the aid of a cane, and is restricted to the house due to her potential to pass out.  This was not at all what we expected or wanted to hear.

We did agree in principle to allow Mary Ann to go off the drug long enough for the new doctor to run some tests, possibly he will find an alternative treatment.  Not completely buying the "It's no longer possible to keep using the old drug" story, I asked the nurse for anything she could give me about the affects of the drug and she kindly obliged.  On page 36 of the packet I found a reference to the long term use of the drug to treat exactly Mary Ann's condition, so I am looking for a new doctor.  In the meantime, I told this guy we can't run the test until the latter part of next month so that Mary Ann can see the several family members we expect to see in the coming weeks.  If we get that far, I can see some merit in the tests being performed at least so we can get new information.  That won't be the final disposition though.  I can't accept that.

Well that was no fun

Just as I was about to head off from one job to the next this morning, Ginger called to say Mary Ann was sick, could we take her to the hospital?  I said I'll be right there.  I arrived to find Mary Ann curled up in bed crying, her head covered in a hoodie to stop the light, and literally shaking from the pain.  I said fuck this and called the ambulance. 

Here's a tip, if you are going to the emergency room and have a free or cheap ambulance service (Like the city provided ones) take it.  It's effectivel;y the express lane.  You get off the bus and are wheeled straight into a room every time.  That's just procedure.  You never sit in the waiting room for an hour, you go straight to the front of the line.  That's what we did today.

They decided it was just a migraine gone wild, pumped her full of a drug cocktail via I.V. which put her right to sleep, and sent us back home.  Mary Ann ironically had stripped her bed last night (She keeps a third shift schedule to correspond with my work schedule) and then fell asleep, waking sick and in pain.  So when we got her home her bed was not made.  She's asleep in Ginger's bed for now, and Ginger is deciding if she should go to work at all today or just blow it off.  I'm going to get some sleep and then see about getting Mary Ann to her previously scheduled doctor's appointment this afternoon. 

It's never dull, I'll give it that.

Just checking in

All is well here.  The Ladies have just returned from a trip to see Child perform in a school play.  A musical in which Child was a lead performer.  It's a big deal because after the run here the cast will travel to a sister school in Europe to perform there for several days.  I'm told Child did well.

Ginger's parents were there but were wise enough not to approach her.  Ginger did manage to catch a cold though, so has been in bed with my blessing all day.  Mary Ann has been abed most of the day as well.  She is not sick but is exhausted.  Due to her medical conditions she tires easily and it takes some time for her to recover.

My current work schedule leaves very little free time, but it also allows us to move towards recovering our financial security at a much quicker clip.  I'm hoping that eventually I can get into a routine that makes things smoother, but so far that goal has eluded me.  If I ever manage it, I hope to blog more effectively and regularly.  Until then, I hope all is well with all of those who read about our lives.  Be well, all of you.

Thorn in my side

Well, I had a topic post all ready to be spell checked and posted, but due to circumstances I'm putting it off. In fact I may not even post it now as it seems my view is (As usual) out of the mainstream and would likely be terribly controversial. But, I am going to touch on the topic in a different way.

I've been tense and angry since last weekend. In fact it built up to last weekend, and I think I've finally realized why. Over the course of the last few days, and indeed the last few weeks, I've seen a lot of news stories and heard a lot of opinions concerning the act of rape, accusations of rape, and reactions to those accusations. It seems that as soon as the accusation is made it is believed. A lot of the comments I've been seeing and hearing have been offered from "Former victims of abuse". They speak with this arrogance of certainty that no one can understand like they do. It seems our society wants this to be the case. Everyone wants to be the hero saving the rape victim. The "victims" all want to know they've helped save the next person. The FBI has changed their definition of what rape is which results in a radical increase in the number of "Victims". It's a pandemic of rape! Except it isn't real.

Joe Paterno, a man that spent his entire life and career taking a nothing backwater college and making it a wealthy juggernaut of an institution, a man that has helped literally thousands of young men succeed in life through his efforts for decades at that institution, died disgraced probably of a broken heart, and why? Because he didn't personally call the police about an accusation of an act he did not witness? He followed the rules and reported the incident to the school administration, who did call the police, who did not find reason to pursue the matter. So now he's fired for not meeting a "Moral obligation"? Let me point out that we don't even know if the accusation is true or not, much less can I see where Mr. Paterno could possibly be held in any way accountable for wrongdoing. But he was fired....from his whole life. What would have been the point of living for him?

What's that? There must have been strong evidence of misbehavior if they fired him? You mean like when Duke University fired the Lacrosse coach because three of his players were accused of raping an exotic dancer? Unfortunately when the truth came out the players were cleared.

And let me stop there, and point out that we've now reached a point where the fact that a woman was not raped is "Unfortunate". Doesn't that strike you as sick?!

Eventually the coach dropped a slander lawsuit when a settlement was reached, but what's never been clear to me is, what happened to the people that made the decision to take punitive action and find the truth later? Are they still employed as top administrators at the school? Some other school? Did they suffer any repercussions at all? That coach had two teen-aged children as I recall. Their father went from a well paying job to unemployment. Do you suppose that affected their lives at all? What about when they had to move. Uprooted to a new school, leaving friends, being the new kids. What are the odds the new school mates did NOT know who they were, that they did not get teased about it? Pretty slim I'd bet. And the Lacrosse players, the team shut down, all their reputations tarnished. Do you suppose anyone didn't just brand them all right down to the waterboy as rapists? And three of them arrested, jailed, then paraded for weeks in front of the news cameras as they, too, were slandered repeatedly. Do you suppose there were any long term effect to them? And the school itself. Where do you suppose all that money for restitution came from? Do you think maybe there was some budgetary impact there that affected even the incoming freshmen and the opportunities they had from their time in college? And since I'm displaying my ignorance of the obvious, could someone help me understand how, even if it had been true that three college players threw a party and raped a girl there (Stripper, cheer leader, girl scout, whoever) How is that in any way the coaches fault? Are we going to be arresting the parents too? After all, they have to have at least as much responsibility for the child, right?

What's that you say? But we must at least take any allegation of assault involving a child very seriously? Is that right? Then you'll be glad to know that all over the country, those cases are being taken very seriously. A couple of months ago a North Carolina boy aged 9 was suspended from school for sexual harassment. What did he do? Well he told a friend his teacher was "Cute". Not hot, or sexy, or anything graphic, the word he used was "Cute". Careful out there gentlemen, if one third grader telling another his teacher is "Cute" is sexual harassment, why we adults might be approaching rape.

Think I'm taking one rare anomaly as the norm? Then what about the six year old in California who was charged with sexual assault resulting from a game of tag. Supposedly he contacted his playmate during the game in the "upper thigh and groin area". No witnesses other than the accuser, but the accused (Age six mind you) was taken to the principals office where he finally confessed to the touch after two hours of questions by the adults who only then, after the confession, contacted his parents. In a twist of irony the parents contacted a lawyer who pointed out to officials that in California you can not charge a third grader with sexual assault in any circumstance because the law states that no sexual intent can be present unless the child is in at least the fourth grade. I would think that would be embarrassing to the school, but remember, they proudly brought the charges in the first place, so probably not. I read the results once of a study that concluded that young children that are seduced into abuse, IE they are coerced or convinced to go along willingly, suffer almost all, if not all, their damage resulting from the incident after the fact, when they are told something horrible happened to them and are offered "Help". You see, they aren't humiliated, horrified, depressed, or feeling betrayed until they are "Helped". I don't pretend to have a better idea than prosecuting the offender, but I do wonder if the idea is that it's all about the child and his or her well being, how do we as a society justify the damage done by "Helping"? I was reminded of this study because the parents of the California boy say he is suffering from confusion and a bit depressed. You see, just a few days prior to this he was given an award for being such a good student, and now this. He can't understand what he did wrong or why the teachers are angry with him. He wonders why he needs to go to another school.

Do you suppose this experience will stick with him?

At least that six year old wasn't sexually violent. In Massachusetts a seven year old is facing trouble after he admitted that he gave a bully a shot to the jewels. The fact that he was fending off an older boy who stole his gloves and choked him before he struck the older boy in the groin while on the school bus is beside the point, sexual harassment charges followed. I think it's terribly lenient of them to not call it rape and a violent rape at that. But then I guess I shouldn't be surprised after all, considering that the theft and choking incidents merited no punishments at all for the older boy. In fact as I say, the choking was occurring on the school bus and no one intervened, so I guess that was O.K.

Don't mistake what I'm saying. Rape is a vile thing, in fact vile is not a strong enough word. And let's get something else straight, my Ladies have been on the receiving end. Before she met me, Mary Ann had a boyfriend simply pull her pants down and fuck her in the gravel of an out of the way place he had taken her to. It was date rape, she went with him willingly not knowing his plans, but it was rape. The use of her body by force and without consent. Soon after we started dating Ginger, she had a man that was employed by the apartment complex where she lived offer to help her carry some shelving up to her place. She agreed since they were acquainted, and was grateful for the help. At least until he shoved her against a wall, stuck his hands up her shirt and down her pants and tried to force his tongue into her mouth while undressing her. Fortunately she was able to fight him off, push him out her door and then slam and lock it. We reported it to the police who did prosecute, though not enthusiastically. During the time that took, Ginger began having other employees enter her apartment without notice while no one was home, including on Christmas day to do a "Routine property inspection". Do you suppose they "Routinely" work Christmas? They would look around, open drawers, and so on. They weren't happy when we set up a surveillance camera but the visits stopped. Then when advised by a counselor she was seeing after the incident to move out because the location was inextricably linked to the memory, the complex claimed this was not grounds to break her lease. We bought it out instead but they tried to keep her deposit, claiming the apartment was left in bad condition. Fortunately I know something about leasing. When I pointed out we'd had the clean-out performed by a company that provided these services professionally for various leasing agencies, and that I had receipts, video, and a good lawyer, they decided to see things our way and there was no further incident. I tell you this so you can understand that we all know what can and does happen, and that the victimization is not just the sexual assault, but it is the fallout after and that it goes on for a long time. I know the victims of rape and attempted rape are not just the women, but the man that feels he failed to protect her, and the relationship that is forever affected by the act. The very personalities of the people that suffer these things change.

WE, too, are "Rape survivors". And we are also survivors of false rape charges. "Survivors" sounds better than "Victims" but trust me, it doesn't feel any differently. And now we are victims of the attitudes of society. Ginger has decided to do more walking. Saves gas, good exercise, all those right reasons. Recognizing the reality at least a well as most people, I have sent both Ladies through the nationwide RADS program several times. If you are not familiar, it stands for Rape And Aggression Defense class. It is supposed to teach a woman how to get away from a bad situation. I cocked an eyebrow when from the start the women in this class are told not to worry about whatever damage they do, because they can't be prosecuted so long as they remember to tell the police they "Feared for their lives". Legal loophole, makes things self defense, even if it wasn't. Who can blame the poor helpless woman if she "feared for her life". She had a right to attack. Still, it's a rough world and yes, sometimes mistakes get made out of fear. I can accept the policy. But in this most recent class, a story was told that went like this;

"Woman likes man. Woman sees the man while out for the evening drinking. Woman accepts mans offer to join him and proceeds to get drunk. Woman goes home with man at end of evening. Woman awakes the next morning in mans bed, and realizes she's been slutting it up. Horrified, woman claims man raped her. According to the instructor, who made this statement in front of the police officers who help sponsor these classes, this was a rape because the woman has a right to get drunk". There was some further male bashing which truly upset Ginger, and when approached by the instructor as to what was wrong she told the instructor exactly what and why. The instructor immediately said she wanted to try to get Ginger some help. Really? She just wanted to help. Here's the thing, she could immediately help greatly by stopping telling young women in her class that if they accept or even encourage a man to take them to bed, and then regret it later, that it is rape. She could instead suggest that if a woman wants to avoid these situations they could employ personal responsibility. Don't let yourself get into these situations, and if you do then please accept that it isn't the mans fault that you willingly lowered your standards enough to let him take you home. It's his fault if he's a slob. It's her fault if she chose to go to bed with him, even if she was drunk at the time.

I was discussing this with an acquaintance who related to me a story from a few years ago where he went to the employee Christmas party where he worked, and happened to witness a fellow female employee take two of her co workers outside. He then noticed they stopped at the car and she basically gave one a blow job while the other screwed her right there in the parking lot. A couple of days later she learned that this little gathering was not the secret she believed, but had been witnessed by many of the people that could easily see them from the party in the clubhouse. She claimed rape. Several people at the party, including my acquaintance, went to the police to say she was a very willing participant, but each was asked if she was drunk and each truthfully said yes she was. They were then informed that since she was drunk she could not legally give consent. When informed that the males were also drunk, the police said that was irrelevant. The thread that saved these guys was, at the trial several employees testified that the woman initiated the issue by inviting the guys outside. Their lawyers argued (Oh the irony) That they were not legally able to consent. What I notice is, the woman was never charged with raping them. I wonder why, don't you? Could it be male "Victims" are no fun to save from rape?

So this is where my head was, when I tumbled into the posts and writings of several lifestyle blogs and sites, and suddenly started seeing these comments about how a submissive that willingly accepts the state of "Total slave" and "Complete power exchange" and is then shared with others or "Trained' to never refuse a sexual request, has been "Raped". Several women claimed to not have realized at the time that they were being "Raped". While I don't want to minimize the fact that having made huge mistakes certainly is a negative thing that must be endured. While I want to recognize the pain and acknowledge the damage done by a bad relationship and bad choices. I need to be terribly politically incorrect and point out that by virtue of the fact that choice was involved, it was not rape. And don't talk to me about coercion, that goes on all the time. Most lifestyle people call it pushing boundaries or challenging limits. You can only do that if you get the persons permission to violate the limit in order to experience the act in order to evaluate it. An awful lot of women I've met experienced anal sex for the first time this way, and an awful lot of them still engage in it for various reasons. They weren't raped, and they certainly didn't get raped and enjoy it, thus deciding to do it again and again.

And that's been my problem. I have difficulty with blatant stupidity, and lately I've been exposed to a lot of it. Everyone wants to know why the students at State College still supported Paterno. Maybe they are in a better position to know the truth? None of the other women in that self defense course even questioned the validity of the idea that it's not the womans fault if she willingly goes to bed with a man she would never choose if she were not drunk. Have you read about Josh POwell? The one who killed his boys and then himself recently? I hear he must have done it because otherwise why kill himself. Well, his wife disappeared, he was blamed for that despite the fact that the police admit there is no evidence to support the claim, then lost his kids and as far as I can tell that was because his FATHER is accused of having child porn on his computer. In fact he had just been the victor in an attempt to add restrictions to his visitation rights, because the judge saw no evidence that a change was warranted. He was followed by news crews constantly publicly broadcasting his ordeal, and I'm sure he constantly heard opinions on the situation. Opinions about him personally. One can only wonder how he was supposed to work, date, heal at all. And maybe he DID do it all. Maybe he killed his wife and molested his boys and was a general blight to all of mankind. But at this point, just as possible he didn't and wasn't, but no one seems to want that to be the case. It makes me just want to slam my head in to the wall in frustration at the absurdity, the apathy, the brainlessness of society!

There's more about this that gets to me, but it's Valentines day. I'm going to go be with the Ladies and try to focus on the positive. Hope all out there in reader-land have a wonderful day as well.

Random thoughts

It's odd how many things we do so completely differently than other alt families do. I was just reading Mouse's restaurant tale about how she subtly directs food orders to Omega, because they must be careful and she must defer in a way that seems natural. I'm in no way attempting to criticize or correct that notion, but uhm.... we don't do that. In fact it's never even crossed my mind to do that, even after we've been so persecuted for our choices. Maybe it should, I don't know. When we go out and the server asks one of the ladies for their order, the lady just smiles at the server and I say "She'll have this item". Granted, I've gotten a few confused looks for a moment, a couple of hostile glances, and even one knowing smile, but it's never been a problem. I also kiss the ladies (Either of them) in my front yard or driveway in broad daylight. I walk down the street with one on either side holding the hand of each on occasion.

We also have never really been secretive with our extended families. Recently I read about a M/M couple in their fifties who still outright hide their relationship from their families. One was a doctor and one a real estate agent. In their fifties....... And still hiding it? That must be awful! I admit until our situation was about to be published in the paper we never directly addressed it with our families, but we never hid the fact that Ginger lived with us or that I carried a financial responsibility for her. I will confess though, I was a bit surprised how many people said some variation of "Yeah, I thought so". It is wonderful to have so much acceptance and I know we are really lucky in that regard. I feel for people that aren't so lucky.

We're open with our service providers (Insurance, phone company, etc) as much as necessary. Now some might say "Why don't you make it a point?" Do you go out of your way to point out to your landlord or auto mechanic that you are fucking your partner? Do you make it an issue if they assume you are married or if they assume you are not? I'd bet you just live and do business. So do we.

I wonder sometimes what would happen if all of us came out from the shadows and got organized? There used to be a bumper sticker that said "The Moral Majority is neither" I wonder sometimes if we, the alternative lifestyle folks, aren't actually the norm, and they, the vanilla, are the minority alternative.

Happy New Year!!

I can't believe I skipped all of December without posting. It's been busy!!

I promised myself, and the Ladies, that if we survived the assault things would be different. That I would live differently. Things didn't go exactly as I'd hoped, but I plan to re-order my priorities anyway. The plan was to spend more time with family. My business is all but shut down, and I had decided not to revive it. Working for the man is hard for me, since I have difficulty tolerating stupid. And let's face it, what is bureaucracy if not organized stupidity? Still, it creates time and offers benefits I couldn't afford to buy on my own, so.... I had expected this to mean focusing on Child and the career Child wants. Since Child has made the choice not to live with us any longer, I have made the choice not to prioritize those goals above my own any longer. It sounds cruel even to me, but I can't justify denying the Ladies the things others take for granted in order to pay for attorneys to force the asses to allow me to pay for the things that Child should have to pursue the career desired. We have spent literally thousands on that dream, and the reward seems small at best. Certainly I will not abandon my responsibilities. But Child is old enough now to make choices. I'm going to have to allow Child to face the consequences of those choices, even the bad ones.

Therefore, I had dutifully put aside a few dollars a month even when I was unemployed. I had New Years plans and stood firm that nothing would interfere with them. Christmas went well in my opinion. Child did not visit since the schedule requested would have required us to sacrifice our plans AGAIN, so this time I said no. Come when we agreed or don't come at all. Child opted out, as I expected. But a line has been drawn and I believe Child now understands that next time, Child will be sticking to the agreement, period. Since we were on our own we spent Christmas day with Mary-Anns parents. They accept our lifestyle and have always treated Ginger and Child as family. There are even pictures of Ginger and Child amongst the family photos on their living room walls. We exchanged gifts and ate WAAAYYY to much. And just generally had a family day. The next day we spent with my mother and Grandmother. They too accept our lifestyle and accept Ginger as family. As I've said Ginger's family leaves a lot to be desired, and my grandmother is the closest thing to a typical grandparent relationship she's had. My grandmother helped Ginger learn to embroider, but Grandma's fingers just aren't nimble enough to do it anymore. She had wanted to make matching pillow cases for her bed to go with her spread, but was unable to, so Ginger has begun them. The first was Grandmas gift from Ginger for Christmas. They are very intricate but the match was perfect. Grandma was very pleased.

For New Years, we enjoyed a weekend at a vineyard sampling wine, and enjoying the comedians, art, and bands that were provided for the New Years celebration. It was a wonderful time and I plan to do this type of thing a lot more often now that we will all be free to do so. I did manage to get a new job. It's third shift but offers decent pay and killer benefits. It also allows me to keep my remaining business clients on the side, so hopefully we can get back on an even financial keel. We owe a lot of money to the various attorneys, and now doctors for the time I was unemployed and uninsured, so the side business is pretty important. But now I am hopeful that we can pay all the bills and still enjoy life as we should.

Ginger and Mary-Ann have been wonderfully supportive of the change to third shift for me. I knew they would be but they still deserve credit. We are getting into the new routine and they are doing a fantastic job of keeping the house clean and quiet at the same time.

Mary-Ann still does not feel well enough to try to go back to work. She has been having very bad head aches that last for two or three days, and now has a problem with one knee as well (Unrelated). We have more doctors appointments in the coming weeks. It's hard for me to just watch, but I'm no doctor and generally not much help other than to carry things and get the door and so on. I wish someone could figure out why she's so sick all the time. She's in good spirits though, and very helpful around the house, often despite my telling her to let things go.

Ginger is doing well and has been the epitome of the happy submissive lately. She's been doing well at work and things are going smoothly on that front for now. She's been getting headaches too, but of a different kind and I think related to a new medicine she has been on for stress. Hopefully that will be an easy fix.

So, I hope everyone out there had a nice end of year, and I wish you all a Happy New Year.

Just updating

I never seem to have a good idea of what to write in this blog, although later when I read what I wrote there's often a reference to something I wrote about that seemed inconsequential at the time but then becomes relevant, so I want to post an update.

I've had a couple of interviews about some good opportunities but not been hired yet. I'm toying with the idea of going back to work for myself but I am not overly enthusiastic about the idea. I've never had good luck keeping good help, and my company is built on quality and reputation. That means I either have to do everything myself or double-check an employee's work constantly, and neither option really appeals to me. I've put out enough proof that I can run my own business that anyone that questions it just amuses me, and I'd really prefer to just get hired on with some big bureaucracy and work for "The Man" from here on. I want to just go do my job, stay out of the way of whatever fate befalls the world around me, and concentrate on my family from here on in.

Mary Ann will be going back out of state to visit family at the end of the week. I'll miss her but she always has such a good time and comes back refreshed and recharged so I am happy she has the chance. She's taken over the home-maker responsibilities since she can no longer work, and has proven to be quite an imaginative cook. I worked kitchens for a decade as a prep cook, line cook, head chef, kitchen manager and whatever other title they wanted to call me plus, I like to cook so I'm no slouch at the stove. However, I mentioned I'd like chili some time to Mary Ann a few days ago and she whipped up some stuff that, to be honest, I think was better than what I make. Claims she had never done it before but found a recipe which she added to. I informed her that had I known she could cook like that I would have assigned the task to her years ago! I'm glad she seems to be getting past the feeling that she is just a burden since becoming disabled and being forced to stop working outside the home. I've put a lot more time and effort into other things that didn't bring me half the joy Mary Ann does even if we do have to shuttle to a number of doctors regularly, but it hit her really hard when she couldn't do anything for Ginger and I and needed to be cared for so heavily. Its nice to see her feeling useful again.

Ginger is sick, so she's staying home a couple of days. She's just got a sore throat and a cold, so she isn't bedridden, but she is plenty uncomfortable. Her attitude has improved hugely as it usually does after she melts down the way she did last week. I just wish one of these days the improvement would stick! I had hoped to get some more "Play" in, because I think that would help to keep her a bit more stable, but with her being sick it isn't likely for a few days. Oh well, maybe next week.

Both the Ladies and I have been slashed yet again by Child. We are informed that instead of the two week visit we had expected at Christmas, Child would prefer to come for a total of four days, arriving in the afternoon day one and leaving early day four. According to Child this is so Child can be with their kids on Christmas. Further, Child would like this to happen on a schedule outside the dates previously agreed to, a schedule that just happens to coincide perfectly with a visit from Mary Ann's sister's kid whom Child enjoys. Child also pointed out that we are always welcome to visit there. Now honestly, in a fit of meanness I seriously considered knocking on their door Christmas day with my bags in one hand and that invite in the other, and saying to them the line we hear so often from them. "Didn't Child tell you we decided this?" but I won't (Probably). Further, I know for a fact the idea was planted, because it was word-for-word the exact same phrase Grandma Satan used years back to guilt trip Ginger. I put a foot down. First of all, we pay for the travel. If you aren't coming to see me I'm not footing the bill. Secondly, I had planned to surprise the Ladies for New Years, and even though I've had to reveal that there are plans I am NOT going to change them. I changed Thanksgiving to accommodate Aunt tree-hugger and Uncle Hollywood already. No more. Child knows I mean what I say and I don't get sweet talked like the Ladies can be sometimes. Child was told it was solely my decision that the accommodation will not be made and the options are stick to the original plan or spend Christmas there and come to us for a month in the spring instead of the agreed to two weeks. Child has gotten into too much trouble at school to be allowed to miss any, so coming prior to spring break is out. Further, we will be going forward with Christmas here on schedule, to include the big family parties with my parents and Mary Anns, which openly and lovingly include Ginger and (prior to this) Child, and if Child misses it we aren't rescheduling. If the extra grandparents choose to get Child gifts I'm not going to interfere, but I know from experience that my mom doesn't usually buy for people that can't make it to the party. She's flat out disgusted with Child to start with, and skipping Christmas will score no points.


Both Ginger and Mary Ann are crushed. We all know it's more stupid immature child than malicious child, but it still hurts yet again. I think it's especially irritating to us because we just popped nearly a grand on a guitar for Child that they refused to buy. We're all feeling pretty unappreciated. Personally, I'm also again flabbergasted that Child would choose them over us. This is actually another excellent example of what I mean. Child is exceptionally musically talented and wants to perform professionally. Child not only sings so well that when we go to karaoke night people hit the dance floor for every performance and even make requests to sing with Child, but Child also plays viola, cello, drums, guitar, and it turns out piano. We only found that out because while I was waiting to pay for the guitar, Child strolled over to the pianos on display and began to play, eventually working out the tune to Journey's "Don't Stop Believin'" just by ear. Last we knew Child wanted lessons but was refused them based on cost. When I said I'd pay if they would drive, they refused saying it was too far away (It's a ten minute drive). It wasn't only that Child wanted to play, but that the music instructor there and two professionals I checked with here all agreed that knowing how to play the piano helps a person sing better. I don't get it but it seems to be the consensus. A big part of my frustration and anger with them, and actually a big part of my disappointment with Child, is the difference in attitude so clearly demonstrated by them and so completely discounted by Child. If piano lessons would increase Child's skill in what would be a viable career path that Child wants to pursue, then Child NEEDS the opportunity to be provided and it is their responsibility to provide it. Not so long ago when Child resided with us, I didn't base what opportunities were provided based on how much I made, I based how much I had to make (And therefore how much I worked) on what opportunities I needed to provide. I went from a 70 hour week to 85 plus to get that cello. Can Child not see what's going on here? AAAARRRRGGGH!

Concentrate on what I have, right? And one more thing I'm grateful for is that I have this blog. When my head threatens to explode I can scream my fury into the wind here and some caring soul generally points out to me that things aren't so bad. I just wish I could find a way to convince Child to stop self-sabotaging all these dreams I hear touted. It's like watching a train wreck and being unable to help.

Here we go again

You know, I've gotten several comments on how great things are for us and so on, and they are usually. But we do have our struggles and in the interest of honesty I'll share that side tonight.

Ginger is a task to manage. She was (My opinion) abused as a child, and occasionally demonstrates some odd attitudes. For instance when we all first got together she was washing dishes at Mary Ann and my house (Ginger hadn't moved in yet) and Mary Ann and I were sitting at the table having gotten our chores done already so we could chat. We were joking and laughing and trying to include Ginger. Ginger became snarky and when I finally got to the bottom of it, it turned out Ginger felt we were sitting there just to laugh AT her, not with her. Understand we were not joking about her or referencing her at all. We were just having a normal conversation that made us happy so we occasionally laughed. We were even a bit miffed because Ginger was plainly ignoring us, even when we tried to draw her into the conversation.

On another occasion she was angry for months over the fact that Mary Ann had a new robe at Gingers apartment in case she spent the night, but Ginger hadn't gotten a robe. Then one day she finally realized Mary Ann did not and never had had a robe at Ginger's place. Ginger just imagined it.

Jump forward to a few months ago. New house, new schedules, new rules. One new rule for Ginger, close the bedroom door when you go to bed. I asked and asked and asked. Then I cajoled and pestered. Finally I flat out told. Then I ordered, and the very next day I come bopping by to see the door wide open. I outright lose my temper, Ginger gets angry, and finally admits she wants the door open so she can hear me in the morning. The very reason I wanted it closed (I didn't want to disturb her). Now we worked that issue out, which is to say I never cared one way or another, until I was blatantly defied. So we agreed she could leave the door open as long as I didn't ever hear a complaint about moving around and turning on lights at dark-thirty a m. Then we obviously had to discuss the fact that I plainly said close the door, she plainly acknowledged me more than once, and then she plainly did exactly the opposite of what I wanted and what she agreed to. She's been frustrating me lately so I thought we could talk today. But another issue Ginger has is she does not answer her phone. I was to fetch her home this morning from my in-laws house where she'd been visiting, and when I finished work I sent a text saying I was on my way and she needed to get ready to go. I arrive, there's Ginger, oblivious. I said let's go and she just takes her time, doo-be-doo. I pick up the pile of stuff she leaves in the floor as she goes back to the guest bedroom to leisurely gather her things, when she comes back I'm standing there ready to roll, when she points out her shoes are in the pile of stuff I'm holding. I hand her the shoes and tell her to get them on and get to the car where I will be waiting. She comes out a few minutes later asking if I picked up her phone. "No I didn't" I say "I picked up the pile you had laying. You don't even know where your phone is do you? Because I sent a message saying to get ready to go", and there she sat when I arrived, still playing computer games. And know this, she almost never apologizes. When she does apologize it's usually for something not appropriate to apologize for, or too late to make any difference. This also pisses me off.

So we start to talk in the car, the main point being when I've told you a dozen times to be sure to answer your phone, you need to keep that phone handy and get it answered. we get home, walk in, arrange ourselves in the living room and have been home all of five minutes when I ask where her phone is, she stands up triumphantly and says "In my back pocket where I always keep it. Oh CRAP, It's not in my pocket!"

Right.

Because you try sooooo hard. And that's where our difference of opinion lies. She says she can't, I say she doesn't. Big difference. Because she could, she just doesn't.

So she get's the phone squared away, and we move on to other things. Now she did today what she always tries, which is to go completely unresponsive. I'm convinced it's a guilt trip thing, but it isn't entirely effective on me, I just keep talking. Today we discussed the bedroom door issue.

"Did you understand you were to close the door?"

"Yes"

"Did you close it?"

"no"

"So you just blatantly defied me?"

"Yes Sir"

we talked about several other things and finally she was just not even trying anymore so I told her to take a break and go to the store like she was pestering me to do. She says "OK But let's write down what we discussed and see if it's relevant in a week". I think this is silly, these are things that have been bothering me longer than a week, but I see no reason to point that out and just agree. She goes to the store and comes back later. We sit down to dinner and I pull out a log book to write these things down as she suggested. I have a couple of things down already, which she approves, and then I ask what exactly to write concerning the blatant disobedience. She throws a fit and now claims she was NOT defying me but trying to figure out how to communicate with me.

Seriously? Because I notice once you drove me past all patience and that got you riled up, just plain and simple English resolved the issue just fine and in just a few minutes. PLUS, I am constantly accused of turning things around, but when I point out that this looks a lot like turning things around she screams "Never mind" and stomps off.

So, it will probably work out yet again, but to be honest, I'm kind of getting sick of this shit.

New day

So, a new day. I read today that giving thanks can actually combat dark moods and even depression, so I am going to list some things I'm thankful for.

My Freedom. So much was done to try to take it.

The Child. Despite the current circumstance.

Mary Ann and Ginger. Because let's be honest, how many people get what we have, even considering the circumstance and losses.

My mothers side of the family, as well as Mary Ann's family. While Ginger's phsychotic and evil family take every opportunity to try to hurt and destroy us, My mothers side and Mary Ann's family welcome us warmly. We turned down an offer from my mother to join them in order to take advantage of kids in Mary Ann's family that are here for Thanksgiving and asked to see Child. The Holidays make us very aware that we have the loyalty and support of a large part of our extended family that others never get.

My home. It's vengeance really, and I suppose shallow, but my last home had a huge yard that was turned into multiple gardens, flame lit as well as electric, with multiple fire pits and fountains. It was suggested several times I contact HGTV to enter one of their contests, though I never did. Ginger has bad allergies, Mary Ann has trouble walking now, and I'm too damned busy to keep up with that much landscaping work. We were able to sell the house (At a loss, but still we got out of it) and Ginger found the place we have now. It's has almost no yard, but is more than twice as big as our old house. It's right down the street from a bus stop that goes directly to the main bus terminal, allowing Mary Ann easy access to damned near anywhere without needing to drive. It's blocks from a huge park, has a two car garage, and allows me to truthfully say I live acrossed the street from the country club. Best part though is we leased it for less than our mortgage payment had been.

GM finally has replaced the transmission in my truck that went out UNDER WARRANTY (Which means there should have been no arguing the point in the first place).

And last one for today, tomorrow I can sleep in till 9. Understand I work 7 days a week and I get up about 4 A.M. Tomorrow I can sleep till 9, and then I go to the family celebration with no work at all. I only get the chance three times a year.

Happy Thanksgiving to all, and special thanks again to those that lent me a shoulder to cry on yesterday.

Hurt

Have you ever been really hurt? I mean, so bad that there's not pain at first, but your mind understands that the damage is extremely serious, and it just doesn't really know how to process it or react yet? Because that's how I feel right now. Like, "That's funny. It's just kind of numb and cold, but not painful really. But I can tell it is going to be agony as soon as the pain gets here".

In the course of conversation tonight Child informed us that certain things would be remaining here because "There aren't enough people in my family to use them".

We aren't family now? Aunt and uncle, who are that only by marriage actually, and who ignore you, and always break their promises to you, and who I know do not believe in you and your talents because they snicker at your dreams behind your back when I try to get them to support you, THEY are your "Family" now? I am just enraged, and hurt, and furious, and sickened, and I don't even know what else.

But I can't get something a friend said to me out of my head. He said my relationship with Child has become toxic to me because it never makes me feel good or happy. I could not deny he was right. And tonight, for the first time in over twenty years, I want to get drunk so I do not feel the pain. I can't allow that to happen. I also can't forget another part of the conversation my friend and I had. I told him I had failed my child once, and I simply would not allow that to happen ever again. He asked me what made me think child hadn't failed me. I hate to admit it, but I couldn't think of an answer. To be honest, I still can't. I don't know what to do. I just don't know what to do.

A new side to me I find I dislike

We've been engaging in "Play" a bit more. Just a little with Mary Ann but a bit more with Ginger. She seems a bit more ready to "Take the risk" if you will. All of us have this new dimension whereby whenever we get involved in anything more alternative than just loving each other emotionally from acrossed the room, anything physical really, we get a little nervous. This is what we were persecuted for. This is not what the bogus charges were, but this is why they prosecuted me. They thought they would have an easy victory because they would bring the alternative lifestyle into play. Much of my attorneys time was spent objecting to the prosecutions attempts to bring my relationship with Ginger and Mary Ann in to the case, once even needing to officially object to the prosecutors characterization of their sexual relationship. My attorney correctly objected based on relevance. No matter what I am accused of doing, did do, or did not do with or to some other party, how can that in any way have any relevance or relationship to whether or not the two women have a sexual relationship with each other? Even the incredibly biased judge had to agree to that, and the prosecutor was told not to bring it up before the jury. It was clearly an attempt to prejudice the jury. The thing is, Ginger and Mary Ann DON'T have a sexual relationship and never have. There was never any indication of one, it was just a blatant lie. I find it telling that the prosecutor felt completely comfortable making the attempt. One wonders how often he gets away with it.

In any event, we are beginning to indulge a bit again, and hopefully will become more comfortable as we go. The problem is I still have that mental and emotional hurdle. That new part of me that I don't like. It's a little hard to describe but I want to offer an analogy that hopefully will make some sense at least. When I was 18 or so, I had a guy settle a debt he owed me by giving me a motorcycle. It was a nice bike, and the series had a good reputation, but it turns out it was not nearly as capable a performer as the bike I already owned. Not long after I got it from him I was out going somewhere on a sort of misty, rainy day. I went whizzing through an s curve I had taken dozens of times on my old bike, including in harder rains, and it tracked right around as surefooted as you please. The new bike couldn't handle the left to right change, and spun around before flopping forward onto it's side throwing me down in front of it. As I rolled and tumbled I looked back and saw the bike, streaming sparks, sliding along after me so I tried to roll faster rather than slower and curved myself out of it's way. Once we both stopped, I picked myself up, determined I was injured but not very seriously, picked up the bike and got it on it's stand, shut off the gas and went to find a tow truck. I healed up in about a month, and the bike was only damaged cosmetically really, but for years after that whenever I tried to turn right it felt like some invisible force was pushing me back upright. I knew it was my own head not being willing to lean over after that s-curve incident, and I knew the odds were slim I'd have another issue. In fact not long after that one of my buddies complained about wanting a bike badly but not being able to find anything he could afford. I told him about the new bike and that if he understood it was purely a cruiser and if he promised not to go corner carving he could have it for free and spend his bike fund on polishing out the scuffs and getting plates and insurance. He accepted and I went back to riding the old bike again which I knew from experience could make that turn without any issue at all. But no matter what my head said, my body just did not want to go. This is a bit like the reverse of that. My body enjoys the actions I take, but my head never lets up on how risky it is, or what might be done to punish us, even if we have every right in this country to do what we are doing. It's even awakened me at night a couple of times. But I know this works for us. I know I have never been happier than I was when we were pursuing the course we were on the day we were attacked, and I know the Ladies have said the same thing with no influence from me despite being afraid of what might happen themselves. So I will try to put us back on course and see where we go. It took several years, but eventually I reached a point on a motorcycle where I could turn so hard in either direction that I would occasionally drag the pegs. Hopefully my confidence and comfort level will return in this new arena more quickly.

This past weekend Ginger and I had the first full "Scene" any of the three of us have engaged in since the assault against us began in 2008. I know, amazingly long time isn't it? It started out spontaneously really. Mary Ann was off visiting family as she often does, Ginger and I were on our own for the evening. I had made dinner and called Ginger to table when I had a sudden urge. I sent Ginger back into our living room and removed her bra from under her shirt. I used it to bind her hands in front of her. I made one large plate of food for myself and had her sit at my feet. Then I fed her from my plate. I had put on some music that I like because it helps me unwind, and with Ginger so obviously content as she lay her head against my thigh and waited for her next bite, I felt myself relax as much as I have since the whole horror began. I can't say it was the same as it had been before, but it was as peaceful a feeling as I have known in a very long time. I remembered that the Ladies have said how a spanking can relax them. I wanted Ginger to feel this peace as well, so I put her head to the floor while she was still bound and paddled her ass with a paddle she made for me several years ago. I paddled her for several minutes, then turned her over to play with her as she lay on her back. She was extremely wet and her movements made it clear she was enjoying herself. I pulled her to her feet and hustled her to the bedroom where we made love for quite some time. When we were finished we lay in each others arms. I was feeling quite languorous and she seemed to feel the same. We didn't speak, we just relished the moment, the peace, and the presence of each other. It was still early in the evening but we both fell asleep and didn't rise until morning. It was a very pleasant evening.

The feeling didn't last, the next day I was back to feeling the anger, the pain, the loss which seems now to have become a part of my soul. These aren't the primary emotions I feel but they are like a constant background noise, ever present. It seems like this weekend should have been a milestone but, strangely, it doesn't feel like it. Perhaps it was more just one small stage of healing. Three years without that kind of interaction. I don't intend to go that long again. Still, it will be difficult. This is exactly what they used against us, our consensual but alternative relationship. Once you have experienced prejudice and hatred the way we have, it stays in the back of your mind always that you could be targeted for this.

Yeah! What he said!

Loved this, so I'm sharing. I'm copying the text, but let me be clear this is from Mat Honan's Tumblr, here:

http://gizmodo.com/5851062/generation-x-is-sick-of-your-bullshit




Generation X Doesn’t Want to Hear It

Earlier generations have weathered recessions, of course; this stall we’re in has the look of something nastier. Social Security and Medicare are going to be diminished, at best. Hours worked are up even as hiring staggers along: Blood from a stone looks to be the normal order of things “going forward,” to borrow the business-speak. Economists are warning that even when the economy recuperates, full employment will be lower and growth will be slower—a sad little rhyme that adds up to something decidedly ­unpoetic. A majority of Americans say, for the first time ever, that this generation will not be better off than its parents.

From New York Magazine




Generation X is sick of your bullshit.

The first generation to do worse than its parents? Please. Been there. Generation X was told that so many times that it can't even read those words without hearing Winona Ryder's voice in its heads. Or maybe it's Ethan Hawke's. Possibly Bridget Fonda's. Generation X is getting older, and can't remember those movies so well anymore. In retrospect, maybe they weren't very good to begin with.

But Generation X is tired of your sense of entitlement. Generation X also graduated during a recession. It had even shittier jobs, and actually had to pay for its own music. (At least, when music mattered most to it.) Generation X is used to being fucked over. It lost its meager savings in the dot-com bust. Then came George Bush, and 9/11, and the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. Generation X bore the brunt of all that. And then came the housing crisis.

Generation X wasn't surprised. Generation X kind of expected it.

Generation X is a journeyman. It didn't invent hip hop, or punk rock, or even electronica (it's pretty sure those dudes in Kraftwerk are boomers) but it perfected all of them, and made them its own. It didn't invent the Web, but it largely built the damn thing. Generation X gave you Google and Twitter and blogging; Run DMC and Radiohead and Nirvana and Notorious B.I.G. Not that it gets any credit.

But that's okay. Generation X is used to being ignored, stuffed between two much larger, much more vocal, demographics. But whatever! Generation X is self-sufficient. It was a latchkey child. Its parents were too busy fulfilling their own personal ambitions to notice any of its trophies-which were admittedly few and far between because they were only awarded for victories, not participation.

In fairness, Generation X could use a better spokesperson. Barack Obama is just a little too senior to count among its own, and it has debts older than Mark Zuckerberg. Generation X hasn't had a real voice since Kurt Cobain blew his brains out, Tupac was murdered, Jeff Mangum went crazy, David Foster Wallace hung himself, Jeff Buckley drowned, River Phoenix overdosed, Elliott Smith stabbed himself (twice) in the heart, Axl got fat.

Generation X is beyond all that bullshit now. It quit smoking and doing coke a long time ago. It has blood pressure issues and is heavier than it would like to be. It might still take some ecstasy, if it knew where to get some. But probably not. Generation X has to be up really early tomorrow morning.

Generation X is tired.

It's a parent now, and there's always so damn much to do. Generation X wishes it had better health insurance and a deeper savings account. It wonders where its 30s went. It wonders if it still has time to catch up.

Right now, Generation X just wants a beer and to be left alone. It just wants to sit here quietly and think for a minute. Can you just do that, okay? It knows that you are so very special and so very numerous, but can you just leave it alone? Just for a little bit? Just long enough to sneak one last fucking cigarette? No?

Whatever. It's cool.

Generation X is used to disappointments. Generation X knows you didn't even read the whole thing. It doesn't want or expect your reblogs; it picked the wrong platform.

Generation X should have posted this to LiveJournal.

F(*^ this whole day

I'm exhausted, but I can't sleep. Today ended just sickeningly.

Well it started out well enough. It was actually going extremely well. Mary Ann is visiting family today, so I dropped her off on the way to work. I had some chores which I ran and then was back in town in time for lunch with Ginger. It was a nice time, and afterwards I asked if she could sneak off for the rest of the day. She asked her boss, who agreed to let her go immediately after the Friday meeting, which he accurately predicted would take 10 minutes. Woo Hoo!! But after the meeting Ginger decides she needs to clean up her workspace (She really did, and I ride her about it pretty regularly) so we spend an hour organizing. Then we come home, but realize we need to get my phone repaired. Amazingly the new Iphone release caused no real business at the phone store, so we trotted over there and had the repair made, then she batted her eyelashes at me and convinced me to buy her a latte'. We finally make it home and I complete one of the two thousand items still on my to-do list for the house. We sit down in the living room and the conversation turns to the relationship. That, and I should have seen this coming, becomes an argument. Some of it was useful, because as a general rule Ginger has to be pushed to anger before she'll admit to any problem. But a lot of it was just silly, and in the end she was argung that I borrow money and don't pay it back, and I'm pointing out that 1) I don't ask to borrow money, I tell her I need it and if she needs it back to pay a bill before pay day just let me know. She never asks so I never give it to her. 2) There have been several times when she needed money, and I didn't base my decision about "Lending" it to her on whether or not it was borrowed. If she needs money I find it, because that's the relationship. I also never ask for it back 3) This isn't a business arrangement. When I ask her if I can "Borrow" some money it's like when my buddies ask if they can "Borrow" a piece of gum. I don't expect it back and they know they aren't going to return it. Finally, #4, she and I live together and share the household expenses. Granted, I pay the whole cell phone bill and buy the groceries, and she pays the power bill in full, but we can't "Borrow" money from each other because it's not her money and my money, it's OUR money. However, since I understand now the way she thinks we can do it her way. Then she get's mad because it's not HER way, and that's not what she said. This was a back and forth, with me basically shrugging and saying we can do it the way she wanted, however she wanted to phrase it, and her arguing that it wasn't her way and I was not listening. I finally got up to get something to eat, and she went the roundabout way to the basement while I was gone, so I decided she was done arguing with me. SORRY, I mean apparently I was done arguing with her. Then I check my email. As I've mentioned before, Ginger's Moron family has stolen the child from us and tried hard to poison child against us. Child has been turned in for smoking Mary J, and was tested, results positive. So the school is going to do random testing and place restrictions on child. All reasonable restrictions and they are a good tool to send the message, so done deal.

NOPE!!

Family will also throw down restrictions and (Oh and this is rich) Do further random testing. Now know two things. Child was a straight A, straight as an arrow, golden child while living with us. Never lied, never stole. Since being with them, the grades are barely passing, medically diagnosed depression, flirtation with gang activity, cutting behavior, and now this. The only reason we haven't returned to court is because Family would make it a fight, and two local psychologists have agreed with the psychologist in their state that it would likely do more damage to subject child to the court battle needed to win custody than leave things alone. The second thing you need to know is that the family has a history of failing to follow through, so child knows as well as I that this is all bullshit, and no consequence will last for more than a few weeks. If we were not poly there would be no question of these idiots keeping custody, but as it is the courts have indicated a clear preference for their home being the child's home. These are people who just decreed 12 hours of yardwork a week for child to reimburse the time they had to spend with the school and will be spending focused on child because of their own damned restrictions. Who demands the child make up for parenting time? Asses, Asses, ASSES!!!

Exhausted, mind wandering

I sat down to eat last night and just never got up. That's not really a problem but it doesn't get anything done. The house is coming along finally, now that I have the time to focus on it. We've had so much stuff just stacked up for so long it's been like living in a warehouse, but 14 hour days aren't conducive to organizing a house after work. When I first got laid off I started just walking into the house, grabbing whatever was at hand, and putting it wherever it went. These pictures hang here, oh, and to do that I'll have to move this box of (Opening box) .....OH! those shelves I have to display my model trains, which are (Looking around)....oh yes, over there, behind my antique display cabinet, which goes over on this side of the room (Drag it into place)... You get the picture. Just keep putting things where the mental image of the finished product dictates and eventually everything will be in it's place. Hang the swag lamps. Clean the pumps and guides on the rain lamp and get it hung. Brace the bookshelves and then put them in place. Cull the least wanted books as you unpack the dozens of boxes (Hey, we like books) and place them on the shelves. Place the display cabinets then unpack the chachkis... Blah blah. There is finally getting to be some reason in the chaos.

Ginger decided she doesn't really want her nightstand lamp any longer. I've mentioned before I'm a near hopeless pack rat. It so happens I found a set of dual swag crystal lamps about 5 years ago, which I brought home and immediately packed in a box in bubble wrap. Looks like I finally have a use for them. I think I'll need to rewire them to hang differently, but they will be perfect for Ginger's room. I also have another lamp I put in storage when I finished my first round of tech school in 1987. It's been moved from attic to garage to shed to attic ever since (Hey, it's a cool lamp). It was hanging over this 1960s over-sized arm chair in my living room back then. We got it at a garage sale to put in my very first apartment. That chair looked like something that would be on Buck Rogers ship for the pilot to sit in, I loved that thing! I'm going for a sort of retro feel in the downstairs seating area, and my mother asked if I wanted that chair again.

Me: "Heck yeah! If I could find one."
Her: "Oh, I still have yours"
Me: You still have the Buck Rogers rocket chair?!
Her: "Yeah, out in my storage shed."
Me: "You have my Buck Rogers rocket chair in your storage shed right now."
Her: "Yes"
Me: "Where was it before?"
Her: "In the hunters suite at the motel."
Me: "And you brought it back when you sold the motel?"
Her: "Yeah. I always liked it."

Now at this point it will help you to know a couple of things. First, until the last few years my mother and I weren't very close. I didn't visit her much at all. So it isn't all that odd that I never saw the chair. Second, my apartment where the chair first lived with me was 2 states from where I grew up. When I moved off to go to school we bought the chair after we got there. When I left school we packed stuff up and I came back home where the chair turned out not able to be used. I unenthusiastically put it with some other stuff for my mother to cull through, take anything she wanted, and then donate the remainder to goodwill who was to come pick it up. I went off to work that day and to the best of my recollection never saw or heard about the chair again. A little later I moved in with Mary Ann, then we married. A few years after that my mother and her partner bought a motel in yet another state and ran it for 17 years. When he passed away she sold it and came back here to be close to her family. To get back into my house that chair was moved 6 times through 4 states. I did of course, take it back and put it downstairs.

I've also culled out boxes and boxes of pretties, knick-knacks, kitchen gadgets, artwork, clothing, tools, and cleaning supplies used for my business. I've organized what I wanted to keep and sent the rest off to goodwill or the like, and as of right now if you walked in this house.........You would never know. I still have shelves and shelves of stuff to organize and put away. I still have tools in just a massive pile that needs to make it into my tool box. I still have massive amounts of chemicals and cleaning products bought back when the amount of clients I had justified buying things on case lots and the amount of room I had justified storing that much at once. Things are different now. LOL

Oh well, just keep going, right? Mary Ann is back home finally, but the trip must have really worn her out because she went to bed last night and slept most of today! I'm glad she's home and I'm sure in a day or two she'l be back in the routine. Ginger came home from work and was reading something called Miss Minimalist, which struck me a touch ironic after I spent literally all day packing things away and putting them in the attic, or in the newest "Donate" pile (Or for that matter, I filled three of our 45 gallon trash containers just today! One handy thing, I still have 8 of those trash cans. At least that pile of stuff is always contained!) Maybe if Ginger keeps reading that book, we'll be making another run to Goodwill or the Salvation Army soon.

In any event, things will be back to normal soon I hope. Or at least as normal as it gets until everything is finally sorted, organized and put away. Until then, I just "Keep on truckin'". (Can you tell I was writing this in the retro-room?)

Changing focus

It's been a dark place in my head lately, and I've been trying to drive away the negative thoughts by focusing on what I have instead of what we've had taken from us. But it occurred to me that I should be grateful also for what I have had, because it's more than many ever get. Something that popped into my head along these lines was a t-shirt I saw a while back that featured two smokin' women and a beefcake guy all entangled with one another while shooting the camera sultry looks. Above the pic it said "POLYAMORY" and below it read "It doesn't always look like this". It was underscoring the point that most poly people are just average folks. After all not every married couple looks like Brad and Angelina either!

But it occurs to me that I DID have that experience. Shortly after we met, Ginger started modeling. Just for fun Mary Ann would sometimes drive her to the shoots. Every time Mary Ann would be offered work as model as well. These were two very hot and sexy women (And still are)! And yet they are both smart, capable, dedicated, loyal, and yes, obedient.

I also think of all the people we know that are not still together. Kinky OR vanilla, the relationship attrition rate is nasty! And yet we have faced much more difficult circumstances than any of them have, and we are still together. I realize most people will never have what I have had, and I realize that I need to stop whining and appreciate that. I know there will still be days when depression attacks, but it's one more tool to use to fight back.

Things on the home front are holding steady. I can't start the courses for the degree I want until January, so that sucks. I may take welding in the meantime, which has nothing at all to do with the degree I want, but would be a handy skill to have. We seem to be making it on the seriously downsized income so far (Keeping fingers crossed). Ginger has been getting frustrated by a project at work, but I snuck in to help her make up some time and we figured out some of the issues together. She tested the latest piece she built today and it's working now. She also volunteers with the homeless through a local community program, and the program volunteers seem to have accepted us since we were invited to dinner at the bosses house. They want our help with their next project and they have hinted they'd like me to drive one of their trucks sometimes. Ginger and I both miss Mary Ann but she is coming home next week.

In fact she left to come home today, but will spend a couple days with her parents to see her niece before getting here. Big change with her to report. As I mentioned earlier Ginger is ex military and she inherited guns a few years ago. She keeps them in a gun safe in the house, and for a long time belonged to a gun club where she could go shoot. Mary Ann has always feared guns though, and when we married I sold all mine but one pellet gun, and that I store in My father-in-laws gun case at his home. Mary Ann does have a bold and daring side. For instance she was scared of my motorcycles when we met, but she learned to ride her own motorcycle after we married and I even got her one of her own. She has on occasion been known to down Hot Damn liquor faster than I drink my rum. And of course living our lifestyle is not for the faint-hearted! She's been staying with a cousin these last weeks, and her cousin's redneck hunter of a husband had been talking to her about how guns, like motorcycles, are just machines. Dangerous and deserving of respect yes, but not to be feared. But I was not prepared for her to call me a couple of days ago and tell me she had agreed to go skeet shooting, much less that she had hit her first target and moved up to a BIGGER RIFLE!! I'm already looking for a gun club and have told Ginger to find out what it takes to legally carry the guns. I want to encourage this. And once again my ladies defy the stereotypes the vanillas put on submissive women. I may be the scary one at 6'4" and 300 pounds, but it turns out I'm the meekest and least dangerous one in the house! Once more I point out that if you piss off my Ladies what I do to you will be the least of your problems!

In honor of this achievement I am including the video for what has long been a favorite song of mine. Who knew it would turn out to be so apropos?